To feel I’ve wasted my life when it started quite promisingly?

[Rockpaintedglitter]

I had a good settled upbringing with two loving parents and did well at school all the way through.
10 GCSEs at A/B and then three A-levels at A grade. Went to a good university and got a 2:1 and then a post grad qualification.
started well in a reasonable career.

And then I was ill and unable to work for a couple of years and then I had children. Made the hideous hideous error of being a SAHM. I’m back at work now but I’ve lost 6 years and am massively disadvantaged by it - own fault I know.
I’m stuck in a miserable relationship but I’m not able to leave because I don’t earn that much. Even though I now work full time I do everything in the house and for the kids too because that’s how it’s always been and it didn’t change when I went back to work.
I don’t have any friends because ive let them all drift as I simply have no time to see them.
I look back and think I had so much potential and here I am, a total failure personally and professionally.
i know academic qualifications aren’t everything by a long chalk but everyone I went to university with has been successful.
I think the worst thing is it’s all my own fault! I wish I had made more of my chances and youth instead of letting it drift on by.

I think my biggest regret is being a SAHM and I would advise extreme caution to anyone considering it. It’s trapped me in more ways than I ever thought possible.

To be clear: my comment was about Tivolina. I should have just quoted that message. Sorry Cellar!

I think you are mislabelling your time as being a SAHM.

You seem to think having what you think of as a successful career very important and are blaming being a SAHM for that not happening. And you seem to place less importance on being with your children in their early days.

This is what Barbara Bush, hardly an abject failure by any reckoning, said:
"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent."

I was a SAHM for many years. What brings me the greatest joy in my life is my now-adult children, my memories of time spent with them, and the knowledge that I was around to support them (and sometimes their friends) through tricky moments in their lives, at the moment I was needed.

Obviously it works better, as does any situation, if you and your partner are a mutually supportive team: financially, emotionally and in terms of running the family and home. If not, compromises have to be made.

I agree being a sahm must work for some people but personally I found it boring, relentless and thankless. I expect my children got something from it but for me it was pretty grim. However they’d have probably been ok in childcare too, most of my friend’s children were and there’s no noticeable difference between my children or their children.
I am 36 now so headed towards where people will start to discount me because of my age. I agree that experience counts for more than qualifications and when I was applying for jobs after having had some time out I aimed ‘low.’ I don’t think having been a sahm is if any value in the workplace so it was like starting again but worse, as my qualifications weren’t as recent and I was older.

It would make it easier for me if DH were better and part of why I ended up a sahm was because he was barely around and I couldn’t cope with managing two tiny children and working full time. It’s a bit easier now they are at school and slightly more independent.

36 really isn’t that old. I’ve known a number of people who retrain in their 40s and have had successful careers. I’m sorry you feel regret but it does seem a shame you feel this way.

I've never met anyone who wished that they had spent more time at work

Most people enjoy their time out of work more

Perhaps you need to carve more time for yourself, some hobbies, holidays or relaxation

36 is not old !

I feel like you need some counselling op to work out how you really feel and what you really want. I think you feel rubbish because you felt like you didn’t have a choice.

Being a SAHM does impact career for sure but Jesus you got to spend it watching your babies grow … isn’t that consolation enough for you?

Look at it the other way. You have kids I assume you love. You do have a job and as the kids get older, the job will pay more and you will progress more. Many women do what you wished you had done and end up leaving the children part until they're 40 and may have difficulty just finding the right man to have the kids with. You're just doing it from a different end and 6 years is nothing over a working lifetime. It will get better and when it does dump the rather useless husband. I think he is more of an issue than the job.

OP. You are 36. That's pretty young. What would you like to do with your life if you had a totally free choice? Is there something you could work towards that would get you a bit closer?

If you can do one positive thing, that has a way of multiplying.

Maybe reconnect with some friends. Explain things have been tough. They may be delighted to hear from you.

You've got half your working life ahead of you!

You can easily build your career up and progress a long way. Stop doing everything for your DH, especially laundry. Time to look after yourself.

I’m your opposite - career, financially stable etc. but I’ve managed to reach 38 and don’t yet have kids.

There is much more opportunity for you to have a career than for me to become a parent (at 38, fertility isn’t what it used to be… but careers are pretty much the same)

There is just far too much pressure on us all to ‘succeed’ - between 25 and 35 it feels like we need to; get a career, meet ‘the one’, have and raise kids (ideally one boy and one girl!), still find time for a social life and some holidays/nights out with friends, oh and we should all travel the world a bit too (maybe have a year out for that, do some charity work and what not!). AND we need to do all that stuff in a ‘high quality’ dedicated way (then find time to sell it on social media!). Honestly, most people won’t achieve everything… and what should actually matter in life is achieving a general sense of happiness (or just contentment!).

Dont put too much pressure on yourself…. And there isn’t any compulsory retirement age! You have plenty of time (just look at what the kfc guy achieved…. And his career started when he was much older than you!)

I would FAR rather be a SAHM than have a career. When I’m on my deathbed I know I’ll look back and think of all the amazing times I spent with my children, not what I did in my career. Unfortunately though we need two salaries to pay the bills so it’s not an option for me.

Do you have contacts, people you worked for before? You could ask them if they have any opportunities.

I was really lucky, an old boss gave me a flexible consultancy contract working from home after being out of the workplace for 6 years. After I posted on linked in to say I was looking for projects.

I still haven't figured out how to combine bring the point person for child related issues with a non flexible job but at least my cv has something recent on it. I am now doing occasional projects for the same person and trying to find work on freelancing platforms. I figure as long as I have something recent on my cv I keep my options open.

If it's the top jobs you want - it takes a lucky break and a willingness to work stupid hours. Having a good degree isn't a guarantee of getting them- conversely you could still get them if you get lucky, and if you really want them. I decided I didn't, in the end.

As pp have said sounds like your main issue is a DH problem.

@Dippydonky is correct: if you had to choose 1 or the other, it’s easier to make up time in your career than on starting a family …

Also, I’m surprised that you think you don’t have time to progress: I’m in London & none of my friends (mostly with post grad education or professional qualifications) started their families before 36! You have unfortunately lost 2 years to illness but as I understand you are currently working you’ve overcome the 1st hurdle of being recently employed

Go hard on your DH re him splitting the load & if he won’t it gets outsourced and paid 50/50 - cleaner etc

And be proactive with your career (upskilling as needed) and aggressive re compensation/profession. It may pay to move jobs every 2-3 years and shop around for a decent pay increase with each move (depends on your sector but 10-20% based on last few years would be my aim).
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That's good advice above. I did that after retraining at 38 and was at the top of the pay scale about 10 years later.

Women have a tough time, and make tough choices, and often get it wrong, because there isn’t a good choice. It has always been true and itisn’t your fault.

Don’t blame yourself, but also don’t make the mistake of believing it is too late. It isn’t. There are good things to come if you are brave and strong and decide to take charge. You can! And you also get those lovely children, and maybe one day grandchildren. It’s a win. Take it.

36 is not old! I changed careers at 40. IME it's not until you're in your 50s that ageism in the workplace starts kicking in.

Are you sure you are not suffering from depression OP? You are talking as if your life is over at 36, and that you regret your kids.
Maybe it’s something else making you feel this way.

There's spme nasty comments about being a SAHM here. For every woman who regrets it you can find a woman unhappy with her career...not every option suits every person, theres no need to denigrate either.

Is this just yet another "let's whip up dramatic anti-SAHM sentiment" thread?

"Oh look, something didn't work for me... let's therefore all pile in with hyperbole and declare it DISASTROUS and DEVASTATING for EVERYONE!!!"

OP, your problem is, you don't love your husband and he doesn't support you.

I'm sorry you feel stuck, but you have not ruined your life and things could be much much worse for you.

Maybe your issue in terms of the career angle is lack of clarity about decently paying careers, the pathways into those careers, and the steps within them. Time to start a personal research project looking into all that. If you are determined, you'll get there. And stop doing everything, especially for him.

Hi OP I dont think 36 is old at all, in fact most new recruits in my place are around this age now. Like you a lot were Sahm for a few years and they will start at the bottom of the ladder but I see huge potential in some of them and expect relatively quick promotions for them. Getting in the door is the hard part then you show how good you are and eventually you get to where you should have been.

Your real problem is your lazy no help husband. I assume you have already had discussions with him as to how much work running a home is on top of working full time. If he isn't prepared to help out then get him to pay for a cleaner, get your washing & ironing outsourced, pay for afterschool care, order shopping online etc. Make life as simple as possible.

Does he not even help at weekends/days when he is not working? He sounds awful.

At 36 I think you still have time to prove yourself in the workplace. One or two promotions and you could be earning very well.

I had a similar start to you OP, then married young (surprised myself tbh, I was 24), great career in media then had two DCs at 28 and 31. I couldn't balance my role/shifts/commute/cost of childcare so I spent most of my 30s as a SAHM with some freelance work and a few yrs overseas with DHs job.
Now late 40s and have been back in FT work for 7 years, very happy, love my job, probably a grade lower than I would be if I hadn't taken the time out from work to be SAHM but don't for one moment regret my choice.
You can't change what you did, but you can try and reframe it and create new opportunities.
Try not to self-sabotage and feel guilty about your past choices - you made them for the right reasons at the time.