To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

Sounds like you're enjoying making a 'thing'out of this with some weird power play.

If you trust them enough to let them take kiddo out without you,you should trust them enough to transport her safely.

By all means dig your heels in but then don't moan if they don't appreciate the way you're acting and don't want to take care of her so much for you.

Yes some people have no parents,no grandparents.
but in no way means one has to suck up any amount of nonsense because they happen to have parents
applying the be grateful you have parents logic implies passive and grateful for ever . That’s not sustainable

I “do safety” as a job. Proper serious stuff. Even I think you are being over cautious and agree that RF is probably causing the sickness.

it’s all about looking at the risk… and whilst I agree they are safer… not going int the car is even safer… but it’s all about “as far as is reasonably practicable”.

Just try it? Or compromise… shorter journies FF… longer ones on motorways RF?

Also, if my child was prone to car sickness I would definitely want to be able to see them. That sounds like the bigger risk here.

@Theydoyaknow Absolutely ridiculous, over the top nonsense. You would rather the child be car sick? Give me strength. funnily enough I would also my child was sick then dead or have a life changing uinjury. You must really hate vomit!

I appreciate that RF is safer than FF but like most statistics you have to weigh up the risk. What is likelihood of them being in an accident in the first place. And what kind of car do they have? I expect my child is safer in their forward facing seat in my 2021 car that has all sorts of safety bells and whistles Vs when they were RF as a baby in my 1998 rusty Golf for example. It's never black and white with these things which is why I think it's daft to have such a blanket rule.

What will you do when they go into Reception? Presumably that's next September. There will be class trips on buses etc with no car seats. Will your child have to miss out?

And what will you do if you become desperate for childcare in an emergency? They raised you, so they can't have done too bad a job surely?

Your child, your rules. But at 3.5 she must be absolutely bored rigid always looking at the back seat. Does someone sit in the back with her, or are you both in the front, where she can't see you and you can't see her?

In many years of transporting different children in my car, I've not seen any correlation between RF and travel sickness so I don't think that's much of an issue. I'd be surprised if there was any measurable increase in risk to a pre-schooler of aspirating vomit in a car seat but would be interested in links to research if there is any.

The main problem here is that your parents are dismissing a range of up to date safety advice and ridiculing you when you ask them to follow it. You may have survived without more modern safety measures but others didn't. You were also probably given whole grapes and allowed to play around loose blind cords.

You won't feel comfortable letting them look after her while they have this attitude.

Your child, your rules. As long as you try to think critically about risks so you don't end up in battles about things that don't benefit anyone.

I think I'd be taking into account the length of journey, type of roads they drive on and safety of the grandparents' driving to fully assess the risk, TBH. If your parents drive like twats and drive her for hours on main roads I'd be more inclined to stick with RF, but if they are reasonably safe and just tootle her to the park and back, the risk of high impact accident is much lower so FF would be more acceptable.
I think I'd be more worried about the risk of her choking on her own vomit before they could safely stop the car, TBH, given that she is so susceptible to motion sickness.
BUT, the key point here is she's your DD so your rules should apply.

I think you've asked the wrong question here OP.

You should've asked "are GPs unreasonable for not accepting how I wish to parent?"

You would've received some better advice instead of the hot debate the thread has turned into.

From this standpoint, she is your child and your parents should accept your decisions and follow them accordingly. Perhaps now the argument has passed you could have a calmer conversation with them explaining that you won't be changing your mind and that it's quite upsetting that they keep trying to convince you otherwise - ask them what they suggest happens to reach a compromise that doesn't mean you DD travelling FF?

I think it’s a bit cruel making nearly 4 year old go through car sickness (ff would eliminate this possibly as the direction of travel) and cramped up.

Yes I was about to say the same, and you wouldn't even know she was choking until it was too late.

Your mum is right. What a hill to die on.
Cramped up and car sick. Ridiculous.

I’m sorry OP but this is pretty OTT. Do you have a tendency to fixate on safety issues or risk? Did you have postnatal anxiety?

More neurotic middle-class bollocks.

The way I would look at that is that If she’s car sick and upset their eyes are not going to be on the road so you’re more likely to have an accident . We ff much earlier than that because dd would scream the place down rf because her older brother and sister were all ff. I was much more likely to crash the car because of all the crying distracting me. You have to weigh things up a bit

What a load of rubbish. Having checked the chart, it would be been or the 0.1st centile (33 pounds is the 0.1st).

Are you sure you attract thinking of 30kgs (95th centile is more likely than below the 0.1st).

She’s your child, you get to decide the important shit. But honestly, if you need help with childcare for work hours etc I wouldn’t fall out with grandparents that do a lot to help.

Pick your battles too is what I’m saying.

You’re the parent, you get to make the important decisions, just remember if you need help from your parents or in-laws that sometimes you need to let them be in charge.

I know it's off topic @IdiotSandwich05 but where did you get that seat from? I can't seem to find a good RF that fits a toddler

But what if - GOD FORBID - she chokes on her vomit? My DD had severe motion sickness and I had to turn her round earlier than anticipated as a result after a very scary episode where she did just that whilst I was trapped on a multi light roundabout! I got sworn at and called every name under the sun but I had no choice but to get out, get her out and start tapping her back in the middle of the traffic on a massive roundabout at 6pm. She ended up in Resus and I was so distressed by it all, they ended up treating me too! This has also happened 2 other times (thankfully both on quiet roads where I could pull over quickly and see to her with no medical intervention needed).
Since I turned her round, she's been able to sit up properly and whenever she has been sick, I've been able to hand her a bowl or a bag and not even needed to stop immediately.

Something to think about

@Katapolts Car sickness wouldn't be a consideration for me in terms of safety

Please see my last post above! I nearly lost my child due to car sickness

@DismantledKing I'm not middle class. What a bizarre comment.

My 3.5 is RF in an Axkid and also RF in the grandparents' car. They raised an eyebrow at it (and probably still do) but they are adamantly respectful of the decisions DH and I have made with the children. FIL also raised an eyebrow at BLW and Co-sleeping but MIL has admitted to me on her own that she hated having her babies in another room at FIL's insistence and actually really likes BLW now she's seen it done. It's a shame things like this are such a cause of friction.

Oh and DD is perfectly comfortable RF, will danger nap in it most days and is an EXCELLENT eye spy player (you just sometimes have to remember what she's wearing too).

Rear facing isn't always the problem with sickness.
I have taken this list from a car seat group.
I give my parents a Axkid minikid so they can't forward face her.

Also have you tried all the tricks in the book for travel sickness?

• more upright car seat
• window cracked open
• no food/heavy meals before
• no books/iPad/reading
• cool car
• travel bands
• blocked out side window
• “earth belt” or anti static/grounding strap for the car
• belted seat that’s closer to the ground (not on isofix bases as they sit very high up)
• travelling around nap time
• ginger biscuits/mint flavoured polos, sweets etc
• taking headrest off so they have full view of window
• travel sickness meds
• plaster over belly button
• try stick to smoother, not bumpy routes

YABVU.

Yes, rear-facing is safer in the event of a crash. Yes, I have read the research, extensively, when I chose to start my child facing the correct way.

But, a crash is incredibly unlikely. I’ve never been in one and neither has anyone I know.

I suffer from travel sickness and travelling facing backwards would be pure hell. To inflict it on a child, for every single journey, is cruel. I assume you don’t get travel sick ess yourself as I struggle to believe that any mother would deliberately inflict that on a child.

At 3.5 she is way way too old to be rear facing. Accept the tiny risk of a car crash, the same way you accept other tisks in life, and let your poor child face the right way!!