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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Katapolts · 28/10/2022 12:19

Moranguinho · 28/10/2022 12:17

It's not only the seat prefernce but the pillow as well. Isn't 8 months old ok to have a pillow? Yes, of course you know best about your own child but I'm wondering if you are feeling a bit more anxious than expected about your child's safety.

In terms of safety guidelines then no, 8 months isn't ok to have a pillow. But it's personal choice isn't it - some people follow safe sleep guidelines, don't wean til 6 months, rear face in the care, some people put pillows and cot bumpers in cribs, wean at 3 months, turn 9 month olds forward facing.

Flowerfairy101 · 28/10/2022 12:19

I wouldn't be bothered by the FF but I would be bothered by your parents reaction to your request, you should not have to justify yourself or show them bits of research to get them to agree, you just state that is how you want your DD to travel and they ought to respect that. She's your child not theirs.

Hellybelly84 · 28/10/2022 12:19

OTT and poor child RF when it probably makes them sick. I think if you have rules as strict as that, then personally you should only be looking after your own child.

blusteryshowersaway · 28/10/2022 12:20

do you not play games with her when you are in the car? Eye spy, that kind of thing? I can’t see how you would in a rear facing seat. She’s coming up four and all she has seen is a car seat inches in front of her.

OH, dd look at those baby lambs, yeah mum I can’t see them because I can’t see out the window in this rear facing seat. The gray or black seat back is dull though.

abblie · 28/10/2022 12:20

you are being unreasonable full stop lol

Narwhalsh · 28/10/2022 12:20

Your child your rules and that’s just how it is! Whether it comes to car safety, what they eat, where and how they sleep… RF is absolutely safer and your parents are being ridiculous

BogRollBOGOF · 28/10/2022 12:20

The risks of her being sick are greater than the odds of being in an accident where the benefits of RF come in to play. Accidents are relatively rare, then it's a certain type of impact where RF is advantageous. It's highly likely that you won't benefit from the advantages of RF, but in the meantime your child is frequently sick and that's a choking hazard. Aside from that it's miserable feeling sick and your choice to RF is causing regular suffering. Most people with motion sickness manage better when facing forwards because the brain's inputs about motion are less confused and a better view allows visual anticipation to better align with propriception (the feel of the movement)

At 3.5 I would not be having standoffs and damaging family relationships over RF/ EF. Again, the younger the child, the greater the benefit so the main period of benefit has passed.

Original poster
IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 12:20

@Terrysnotmine 14kg is 30lbs. A quick Google shows the average 3.5 year old weighs 31lbs. If anything your six year old is tiny.

OP posts:
Narwhalsh · 28/10/2022 12:22

blusteryshowersaway · 28/10/2022 12:20

do you not play games with her when you are in the car? Eye spy, that kind of thing? I can’t see how you would in a rear facing seat. She’s coming up four and all she has seen is a car seat inches in front of her.

OH, dd look at those baby lambs, yeah mum I can’t see them because I can’t see out the window in this rear facing seat. The gray or black seat back is dull though.

kids can see fine out of the side windows rear facing, it’s not much different to ff and having a seat in front of you?!

AbsoluteYawns · 28/10/2022 12:23

How often do they take her out in the car OP? It's your choice and your child ultimately so who cares what Mumsnet thinks.

BUT you did ask...
Personally I think you are WAY ott for still RF an almost 4yr old. Do you allow your child onto buses, coaches or use taxis? If it's rare that they take her out I would get them the safest FF seat on the market for use in their car as that may put your mind more at ease.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/10/2022 12:24

you are getting an unnecessarily hard time@IdiotSandwich05 Your parents are wilfully stubborn compromising safety, to make a point assert themselves

This could be resolved if all of you can talk,and most importantly they listen to the compelling safety reasons

They need to get up to date with current safety advice
All this old time we used to pop a pillow in the cot, it was not considered risky back in the day, well times have changed

I wouldn’t compromise on this , no
and if it limits them seeing their grandchild that’s unfortunate

They'll probably continue to ignore your wishes and this will be a familiar theme . You have a safety preference they chose to ignore it

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 28/10/2022 12:24

Classic OP asks if theyvare unreasonable, most people say yes, OP argues why they aren't 🤦🏼‍♀️

As others have said, OTT imo but your child 🤷🏼‍♀️

sheepdogdelight · 28/10/2022 12:24

It would be safer for your child not to travel in the car at all. And yet, you make the choice that sometimes it is "unavoidable" (your words). If your child was in a car accident, how could you forgive yourself knowing that you'd chosen to take them in the car?

See what I did there - we make risk assessments all the time. If your DC was 6 months old every poster would be fully behind RF. If your DC was a small 8 year old and you were still RF, most posters would tell you you were being ridiculous.
And yet, at some point, you will need to switch over. And there isn't a miraculous age where it becomes "safe". At the moment you're in a grey area. And FF reducing car sickness is a valid point. Not sure it's the hill I would die on with my parents.

MightyOaks · 28/10/2022 12:25

At three and a half? Don't be so utterly neurotic! Yes ERF is good but there's no real benefit once they reach that age! Don't damage theirs and your relationship for this

Kabalagala · 28/10/2022 12:26

Your kid your rules. My boys have/ will max out the axkid.
Yes, with car sickness you do have to weigh up risk vs benefits but that is YOUR decision to make OP, not GP.

ParsleySageRosemary · 28/10/2022 12:26

There used to be a phrase on mumsnet years ago - “precious first born” or PFB. We should all be starting from a position of respect to a mother trying to look after the safety and health of her child and I hope your parents do too op. A health visitor once told me she would much rather I was fussing over my baby than not! Smile

You know your parents best and have to juggle their relationships with both you and your baby.

The law is pretty hot on safety these days, and can be reasonably trusted. The guidance is issued in line not with age but by weight. Age is not a good guide to size and weight: weight is the significant issue. You’ve probably seen it already but it is at www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

YellowTreeHouse · 28/10/2022 12:26

MightyOaks · 28/10/2022 12:25

At three and a half? Don't be so utterly neurotic! Yes ERF is good but there's no real benefit once they reach that age! Don't damage theirs and your relationship for this

Oh dear. Looks like someone needs some education.

AlbertaAnnie · 28/10/2022 12:26

You sound overly precious and way ott creating something out of nothing

Norriscolesbag · 28/10/2022 12:27

You are being over the top. Please be grateful that they clearly adore her and want to take her out at all. Many of us don’t have that.

PortiasBiscuit · 28/10/2022 12:28

RF at 3and a half, where do her legs go?

I am more and more surprised that the human race has not died out years ago due to the sheer RECKLESSNESS of previous generations!

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 28/10/2022 12:29

Sorry but RF when she gets car sick is very dangerous, she could vomit and choke to death and you wouldn't even know until you stopped the car.

namechangetheworld · 28/10/2022 12:29

Stuck to your guns OP. She's your child, and car seat safety isn't the thing to cave on.

This was a long battle I had with my parents for years. My eldest rear faced in her Cybex seat until she was almost four. She was perfectly happy rear facing as she never knew any different, never complained she was uncomfortable and was never car sick. Every time my parents saw her rear facing it resulted in an almighty argument - in their minds it was tantamount to child abuse as her legs would be stunted (!) and she couldn't "see anything" (you know, except out of the massive rear windscreen, passenger window and the mirror we put up), and they would get very nasty about it, very quickly. They rarely took her out in the car, and cited this as the reason. They were certainly of the "well it didn't do you any harm" school of thought. My DH wanted to cave in as they were adamant it was doing her harm, and I stuck to my guns, which I don't regret one bit.

Our youngest is 3.5 and started forward facing just before she turned 3, when she realised she wasn't facing the same way as her sister and kicked off on every car journey. I would feel more comfortable if she was rear facing still, but couldn't listen to the constant wailing.

knittingaddict · 28/10/2022 12:29

I've been ferrying my grandchldren around from that age ff for years now. So does my daughter and never ever had to have words about it.

Your decision obviously, but I think you are being unreasonable.

PurBal · 28/10/2022 12:31
  1. she gets car sick, FF would almost definitely help
  2. she's 3.5y, not 6mo
  3. FF and RF car seats are both safe and legal. I’ve seen GP try to wedge a RF car seat in FF with a seatbelt - that’s actually dangerous. I know RF is arguably safer but it doesn’t make FF unsafe.
But all the above aside. Totally your choice.
Fink · 28/10/2022 12:31

Don't forget that the weight limits are the upper end, and you also have to check the height limits. It doesn't sound like the seat you've got is the best fit for your child (particularly if it is a combined group seat, which are the ones most likely to go to 25kg) if her legs are scrunched up.