To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

Such a sense of superiority needs regular top ups by way of mocking the inferior parents who allow their eight year olds to face forwards.

@Sparklingbrook It's not for discussing ERF vs FF. it's for advice on car seats which vary in type/size/budget etc. And then you need to factor in fitting them into different cars, some people need 3 seats in the back, seats for children with additional needs like babies in hip dysplasia harnesses. plus new seats are always being released. Unfortunately this means that the advice is often to buy the latest all singing ERF seat which can be expensive, and everyone's choices are different. Some people will ERF literally as long as possible, others until approx age 4, some people not at all.

Hopefully they have gone and hidden a thread full of (some deliberately) ignorant people who feel guilty about not keeping their child as safe as possible because they bowed to societal pressure.

The only reason people are so nasty about this subject is because they know RF is safer but they are FF and don’t want to feel guilty about neglecting their child’s safety.

Children hardly ever care. Mine was still on a high back booster when she started secondary school, her friends knew that she was small so needed a booster, never had any comments!

Do people really prefer to compromise on their children’s safety rather than risk comments though?

I think it has been pretty 50:50 going both ways tbh @Herejustforthisone

8 and 9 years old? I am just speechless at this. Those poor kids.

I remember having a bit of an attitude from one of DS2’s mates because he said he didn’t want to sit on the booster I had. So they do notice these things.

This thread is absolutely bat shit crazy. The kids is 3 yrs not 3 months for gods sake the world has gone mad

Loads of FB groups are focused on a single issue - people dip into the group, get the service/info they need and eventually leave.

I'm on/have been on, fb groups for:

Blind cats (I have one)
Parents with kids on NG tubes (my child was on one)
Parents with kids on laxatives (to get specific practical advice)
Parents of kids
One for a medical problem I have

If I was looking for a new car seat, then I may well join a group on it for a while, to get advice and look for offers etc.

But you know this and are just being difficult because you are feeling attached for your life choices.

I feel a little better just seeing this comment. I was starting to question my sanity. I mean I’m not doubting that it is safer it’s just… I don’t know I don’t drive but we take cabs occasionally so obviously need car seats. The amount of car seats for children is insane. It makes me a little depressed. I can’t really put the feelings into words though. Something feels off about it all… It’s a matter for another thread though… oh well

You know with the new iSize rear facing is mandatory until 15m right?

OP rear facing is much safer and unfortunately a lot of people are unaware of this. Joint the Facebook group, you get loads of informative info and lots of support. I rear faced my children until about the age of 5. My mum in law had plenty to say in the beginning but I educated her and she eventually stopped. 3 is still very young so will keep her safer.

Okay I'm back. I did become quite enraged by some of the responses here and deleted my account in a huff but now I'm a bit calmer. To answer some questions:

Childcare - we don't rely on GPs for childcare. I wouldn't expect or demand that of them. They see her every weekend and sometimes want to take her to the zoo ect. We live in the centre of a city and most parks/fun stuff for kids is within walking distance. So I'm certainly not depriving her of fun.

Bus/train ect - yes she's not in a car seat then (funnily enough she is absolutely fine on trains, but still sick on buses despite forward facing and not in a car seat...), but bus/train crashes are much less likely than car crashes.

What if we FF and she is still sick, which is likely as she's still sick on buses? What is the solution then? Never take her out in a car again ever? Because apparently it would be cruel to do so knowing she'll be sick? We do try other solutions to her car sickness (travel bands which do nothing, distracting her, telling her to focus on something ahead of her, opening windows...). On very long journeys we'll give her anti sickness tablets but they make her drowsy so not ideal if we're taking her out for the day. On shorter journeys she's usually okay, might say she feels a bit sick but doesn't actually vomit.

I'm really quite shocked by some of the vitriol on here. Still RFing at 3 is very common amongst people I know.

I simply want what is best for my child. I don't care what others do with their own children and I think a lot of you are so angry with me because you perhaps FFd at an earlier age and feel like I'm secretly judging? I'm certainly not. Not my kid, not my business.

As for how long? Until 4 at least as that's what is recommended. Certainly not until a teenager as that's just silly. RFing IS safer, there is no denying that. And again, what do you suggest I do if we FF and she is still sick? I think what made me such a 'zealot' about it was an article I read where two children were involved in a car accident. One was FF, the other RF. The RF survived without injury and the FF was killed. They were in the same car and both were in 'age appropriate' car seats.

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid032K3jeCiih1uH8aaak4gPCDs4MEuu1rJjCaW8eNZqJRUYVR3d37QUoH9y8Mdj7wJml&id=670730902969345
D3fy

Yes it's a FB post but it's from the police who investigated the crash so I expect they know what they're talking about.

It's perhaps uncommon here, but ERF is common in other countries and amazingly their rate of children dying in car accidents is low. Coincidence?

There are masses of other similar stories like the one above. I don't want that for my child. If that makes me a zealot, so be it. Yes serious collisions are rare but they do happen and if they do I want my child to have the best chance of survival.

I appreciate the viewpoints and apologise if I upset anyone, but calling me hard work, neurotic, or worse a cruel parent is really quite upsetting and rather unfair. I'm sure I'll be mocked even further after this but I've tried to explain myself as best I can. Ultimately I am guided by the same thing as all of us. Wanting what is best for my child. Of course I don't want her to be sick either but again she may still be sick when FF and if she is of course RF is the better option as it is safer.

No it's not guilt, it's often learned experience that it's one thing to have optimised ideals and recognise that in the real world things are more grey taking into account things like budget, car size, car age, child's proportions, health concerns (e.g. sickness in this case). Real life decision making is usually a best fit rather than about optimum choices.

My oldest is about 12 and ERF was around but rather niche at that point. My decision to turn at 12m in to FF was based on a combination of him getting too long for his 0+ infant carrier, screaming every time I put him in the car (increasing the risk of having an accident due to distraction) the minimum cost of ERF at that point being 4x my decent mid-range seat, the car not having isofix and ERF only being online so no chance to try a high stakes purchase before buying. Do I regret my choices? No. Would I make different choices in 2022? Yes, because the variables are different. With DS2 I was able to move up later because he fitted in the seat 3m longer due to a shorter, stockier torso and was happy. The variables will always change in parenting and one day our children will no doubt berate some of the choices that we make to the best of our knowledge and circumstances today.

The benefits of ERF are quite specific and have diminishing returns with age. There are huge differences in turning a child at 9m to 18m to 3 and delaying as long as possible, but making a child miserable for an optimal principal between 3, 3.5 and 4 brings less and less benefit to the child.
If OP's child was 1 or 2, the balance of opinions would be different because the safety argument would be stronger. Many parents who do ERF children of similar age have articulately explained why she is unreasonable to put an ideological principal above her child's health and wellbeing.

@Revolvingwhore

8 and 9 years old? I am just speechless at this. Those poor kids.

Genuinely curious, why ‘poor kids’?

They preferred RF, said it was more comfortable being slightly reclined and said FF was/is uncomfortable with their legs dangling. They also said they could see more RF. Seats were in extended leg room so they had loads of space. On occasions where I couldn’t fit in extended leg room, they weren’t bothered at all.
My DC can be quite bad moaners so they would have made it very clear if they were uncomfortable/unhappy!

I used to occasionally put their friends in the RF seat if one of my DC wasn’t with me and they all said they loved it/it was fun.

It really isn't RF the safest nothing could ever happen and FF so unsafe might as well put the kids on the seat without seatbelts. It's really not so black and white.

FF in the back seat is still very safe.

People are mentioning weight. Height of the child also matters Most modern car seats should have height markers on them.

So yes I think you're being a bit OTT with your parents about it. As long as the car seat is installed and your DC is buckled in properly, FF is still very safe.

I'm surprised people don't know how rear facing and movement can cause nausea, disorientation, and vomiting.

You must be trolling. What does that have to do with my comment?

I am being difficult and feeling attached? What does that even mean? Any ‘life choices’ I made about car seats is irrelevant now.

I did join a few FB groups about things that interested me but found some people on them a bit weird with agendas sadly.

My 3 year old is FF being honest and has been for a while.
I have really bulky front car seats and her legs literally don't fit RF - she absolutely hates it. She has the legs of a 4 year old though. She's also sick often RF.
Do I risk distraction trying to calm an upset and uncomfortable child or risk her choking on vomit for the sake of RF?

So no OP, very OTT and wouldn't be falling out with GPs over it.

The only photos I can see online of 6-year-olds in RF car seats are of kids sitting in massive cars.

I bought a car seat which only installs refacing to prevent this issue. My mum has tried to use a cheap crappy one she got second hand but I've simply told her she can't take DC out if she uses it. Like yours she thinks I'm being OTT however I have reminded her that my grandparents thought my mum was OTT making me wear a seatbelt in the 80s!

@IdiotSandwich12 I don't blame you, why people are so nasty is beyond me. I very much doubt most would say the things they have here if they were to meet you in person. Having an opinion is one thing, but the name calling and outright nastiness is unnecessary. Joys of the internet I suppose.

Stick to your guns on this one, you're doing the right thing and are just doing your best to keep your child safe. I feel your pain on the sickness aspect. My son vomits if we're travelling for more than 15 minutes. Its very restricting. We've tried everything bar turning him FF, which isn't even guaranteed to help in many cases. I've read theres a genetic element to it and I have severe travel sickness, when when I'm, wait for it - forward facing! So I don't think it's the cure all its being touted as.

My 5 year old rear faced in a Honda jazz...not a massive car.

They're not babies, it's nuts. What 9 years wants to be treated as such? I think it's crazy.

This thread could get complicated now because OP has changed user name slightly after returning meaning their posts are no longer highlighted in a different colour.
And no longer in ‘See All’ either if just wanting to read OP’s posts.