To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

This is my view as well 100% spot on and YANBU

My MIL went against all my wishes when our two were young and it drove me insane. Giving my dd as many bags of quavers she wanted sweets etc making comments when I disciplined my kids. My exw was too scared to confront her controlling narcissistic of a mother. Needless to say we are not together anymore and i loath the mil.

I took her mil and the extended family to the south of France for her 50th over 15 years ago and she still holds it against me for in her words trying “to force feed” my baby proper food when she wanted crisps! Honestly she was fuming 😡

Parents should bring up there kids the way they want

OP, I haven't read any of the thread, only your comments - stop replying.
You are doing nothing wrong in asking them to do that, you're not being unreasonable.
It's unfortunate your daughter gets sick but you're keeping her safe - you will never win this argument based on my experience (only last week I had the owner of a nursery shop argue with me about not putting an 18month old forward facing so that's what you're up against).
It is absolutely nothing for your Mam and Dad to rear face, it literally makes no difference to their life, they just want to do what they want to do, that's not okay.
Stand your ground, know you're in the right, best of luck, you have at least one person who is in total agreement with you here xx

Don't feed the troll.

Hopefully if they have children they're a bit more engaged in other areas for their sake.

My point is that children travel in all of these ways (mine do at least - I don't drive and we live in London) and past the age of 2ish, they're mostly just sitting unrestrained in the seat or on your lap. On a plane from age 2 they are in their own (forward-facing!) seat restrained by just a lap belt.

Going in a car at all is risky. Forcing a travel sick child who's nearly 4 years old to keep doing something that probably makes her sick, and makes her grandparents not want to take her out, is a really poor risk assessment.

An 18-month-old is not a 3 and a half year old preschooler.

It's their grandchild! Jesus Christ. They're not doing the mother a favour like they're unrelated.

Do you ever travel on planes, buses, trains or tubes?

You don't say..

YAB a bit U.

RF is, of course, safer, especially for very young children. We kept my daughter RF until she was 4, at which point her legs were just too long (she is very tall).

My son was very car sick as a baby/young toddler, even on short journeys. We tried switching him to FF at age 2 and the car sickness massively improved.

If your parents are only taking your daughter on short journeys, your parents have a safe car and are careful drivers, then refusing to let your daughter FF is probably a bit over-the-top. She will have to switch to FF at some point. However, your daughter, your rules.

There are FB groups about this? 😮

Other than buses, which I personally don't need to use and wouldn't with an unrestrained child, this is irrelevant. The chances of being in a plane or train crash is utterly miniscule in comparison to a car. Probability is a big factor in risk assessing as someone pointed out above.

@BloodAndFire She's been on a plane once, and if that were to crash then neither FF or RF would make a great deal of difference would it? And as for the other modes of transport, no we don't use them due to the nature of where we live (very rural).

Yes. Although (and I'm a keen ERF parent) some are better than others and some can become shouty, aggressive echo chambers. They can be quite hostile and pearl clutchy, especially when certain seats are mentioned. Like all FB groups, to be taken with a large smashing of salt.

@Neurotic90 you wouldn't take your child on the bus?

Maybe this is a London thing but I take the kids on the bus all the time. My son's school even took the whole reception class on a public bus last term.

With all these things it's a balance of risk. We moved our eldest to ff at 2 because we had to. We had a small car and my DH is 6'7. We could not fit a rear facing seat behind him with him in a safe driving position. That meant baby's seat which had to RF was behind the passenger seat and DS' ff seat was behind the driver.

The sanctimony on them is genuinely unbearable (and I also ERF my children). You’ve had a taste of it on this thread: digs about ‘educated’ parents, ‘when you know better you do better’, ‘I internally judge those who FF’, etc. I joined some and promptly left again.

Based on the travel sickness aspect I do think you should try FF your child (which I appreciate wasn't the question). Also I say that as someone who's 3 year old rear faces, but doesn't have car sickness.

However I don't agree with anyone here saying you're OTT wanting your child rear faced from a safety aspect. It's significantly safer if you crash. I've regularly heard "In our day it was fine" or "Didn't do you any harm"... Well sure... And exactly how many vehicle crashes was I in exactly?!

I also think that in general YANBU to hold your ground on important safety decisions (honestly I believe in the next decade car seat laws will be updated to have rear facing requirements that cover much older children). But given the car sickness issue I think YABU.

Absolutely HORRIFIED at people saying “it’s marginally safer” - it’s not just marginally safer it’s MASSIVELY safer. A little Google will tell you that. If you can stomach to watch some of the videos to educate yourself before making wild non factual comments maybe some kids may not die.
Also, she’s not making her kid sick by rear facing her, she probs will still be sick forward facing.
I saw just this morning a less than 1 year old forward facing on SM with the comment about ooooo big boy. I’ve had to unfollow because it’s just a disaster waiting to happen.

I can’t believe some of the comments here.
Of course YANBU she is your child and it’s your decision, RF is so much safer and at 14kg she’s not ready to be FF. My child is still RF at the same age as yours. If people didn’t respect this they wouldn’t be taking her out.

@DoloresLandingham And yet when I posted my car seat conundrum (albeit quite niche with an imported vehicle and three children to fit in due to unexpected twins)..... radio silence. None of them could give me an answer, suggest a car seat or (gasp) bring themselves to say "yeah, you'll probably have to FF the eldest".

How long will the kid be scrunched up like this for? I mean she's almost 4....is this it till she's a teen?

When will you think it's safe enough now, let's turn her round?

More so because the train is more convenient and also cheaper for us (6 mins into city centre vs. 35-40 on the bus), if I had no other option then of course I would but as you say it's a balance of risk and one I wouldn't take when other options are there and more convenient. Also still less likely to crash at significant speed or be severe like travelling by car, so if its staying home or getting the bus then of course people should travel by bus. In my personal circumstances, its not really relevant because its not an option I'd choose with a child or without.

So you expect your child to vomit over herself, your parents to clean it up each time never mind them worrying about her choking. Sorry that's unhinged.

My grandson was terribly car sick until his parents turned the car seat around. He's never been sick since

I've said this upthread when someone else posted similar. Most ERF advocates base it on bone structures strengthening and forming, which is much improved around age 4-5. After that I think most people are just waiting for the seat to be outgrown by weight/height etc before moving to the high backed booster.

when I look at the car seat guideline. I don't look at the weight limit but the height limit. My DS outgrown his car seat way before his weight limit.