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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Blocked · 28/10/2022 14:09

It's not like they're strapping her to the top of the car Grin

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 14:09

Also there are lots of car sickness solutions to try before FF (which quite likely won't even solve the issue anyway). If you join one of the car safety groups on FB, they will have lots of suggestions.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 14:09

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:06

I don’t know where to start with this comment…

Show quote history

I have to say, this is one of the topics that brings out the MN lunatic fringe. I have never seen a child of this age RF IRL.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2022 14:09

MightyOaks · 28/10/2022 12:38

But what if - GOD FORBID - she chokes on her vomit? My DD had severe motion sickness and I had to turn her round earlier than anticipated as a result after a very scary episode where she did just that whilst I was trapped on a multi light roundabout! I got sworn at and called every name under the sun but I had no choice but to get out, get her out and start tapping her back in the middle of the traffic on a massive roundabout at 6pm. She ended up in Resus and I was so distressed by it all, they ended up treating me too! This has also happened 2 other times (thankfully both on quiet roads where I could pull over quickly and see to her with no medical intervention needed).
Since I turned her round, she's been able to sit up properly and whenever she has been sick, I've been able to hand her a bowl or a bag and not even needed to stop immediately.

Something to think about

Show quote history

This is what would concern me op. Please think about it and risk assess the vomiting issue because the probability of your dd vomiting is way way higher than you getting in an accident.

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:09

Actually I think using GPS for childcare is pretty awful, but I have reason to not trust my parents (generation) at all. But I don't think that's what is being described.

Lavender2021 · 28/10/2022 14:10

@antelopevalley yes people do but very few as it's not well known about the safety of it.
To forward face you should have 55cm as well or the child could hit the seat in front.
Again few people know about it and it's not main stream.

thelobsterquadrille · 28/10/2022 14:10

antelopevalley · 28/10/2022 14:01

Do people really use RF car seats until a child is 7, 8 or 9 years old?

It's one of those "only on MN" things.

savehannah · 28/10/2022 14:11

OP you don't have to justify the decision you've made about your daughter's safety, and the grandparents really should respect your wishes.
My parents were very much of the opinion these are your kids, and we will do things they way you do them. The fact that people gave kids sweet tea in a baby bottle and put them in an untethered carry cot on the back seat back in the day, had no bearing on the way I was doing things. I think this is one reason we have a great relationship and they have a great relationship with their grandchildren too.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 14:11

And the majority of DD's friends at 3-4 are still rearfacing if possible (because their parents are educated people who researched and didn't just buy £50 seats from Halfords). I'll take my Biscuit happily on this one Wink

Somuchgoo · 28/10/2022 14:11

The judgement here in relation to extended rear facing is astonishing! Putting aside the issue of travel sickness, the reasons have included:

-where do her legs go

  • what is other kids see and mock her for it
  • but she can't see out of the window.

Rear facing at the age here (3.5) is totally normal. Turning forwards at somewhere between 3-4 is the usual age amongst my friends. I'm some countries they do it far older.

In a parent due date group I'm on, a survey of nearly 400 people, 1/3rd were still rear facing at 3 1/4. It's not this freakishly weird thing that people like to make out.

Neither of my children have complained about being cramped, or the view, or expressed any dissatisfaction with it.

Blocked · 28/10/2022 14:11

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:03

Yes. Ff does make a massive difference to travel sickness.
But then if they are not prepared to follow your wishes then WHY are they having solo time either her? It's entirely unnecessary to leave your child with someone who isn't prepared to support safety decisions you've made. No professional childcare would question it. I'd ditch there 1:1 time.

WHY are they having solo time? I imagine it's because paying for childcare is in the region of £40-£60 a day. Would that be right OP?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/10/2022 14:12

Theydoyaknow · 28/10/2022 11:28

Absolutely ridiculous, over the top nonsense. You would rather the child be car sick? Give me strength.

I wasn't going to put it as harshly but since you already have,I agree 😂

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 28/10/2022 14:12

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 14:11

And the majority of DD's friends at 3-4 are still rearfacing if possible (because their parents are educated people who researched and didn't just buy £50 seats from Halfords). I'll take my Biscuit happily on this one Wink

I think that's the crux of it really Smile

Op has touched a nerve with people who turned their children young and were more interested in convenience than safety.

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 14:13

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 28/10/2022 14:12

I think that's the crux of it really Smile

Op has touched a nerve with people who turned their children young and were more interested in convenience than safety.

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Utter rubbish.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 28/10/2022 14:13

It's my understanding that RF is much safer until at least 4 years old, that's what we'll be doing with our 1 year old. Your little girl will be able to take some over the counter medications at her age, or have you tried sickness bands?

I haven't red the full thread but I'm surprised at the animosity from some over this? Why?! It's safer, you can't argue with that. And the grandparents should respect your decision. It's hardly inconveniencing them is it? It's not like you're asking them to buy an additional seat.

I have had similar comments from my friend who was delighted to tell me that she FF from 10 months as if it was an achievement, and that I'm being neurotic. My mum was present and although she had agreed to RF (I have given her a car seat) she joined in and said I'm OTT. But she will do what I ask because she will respect my decision as his parent - that's the other issue here. Your daughter is not their child, she's yours and you are making a perfectly reasonable request which is of no inconvenience to them. Definitely not BU.

SoupySoup · 28/10/2022 14:13

You sound like hard work. Your poor parents.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:14

Neither of my children have complained about being cramped, or the view, or expressed any dissatisfaction with it.

Well if they’ve never experienced the possible comfort of FF or the different view etc they can’t miss it I guess.

Kathers92 · 28/10/2022 14:15

I think your being OTT the fact you you would rather not take your child out in the car then forward face her? What about all the fun days out she could having at the beach/ the petting zoo and all the other places but she in confined to the house or local area because your anxiety is so bad.

Will she not be allowed to get the bus with her friends when she is older because there are no seatbelts? Not allowed to go swimming with her friends in case she drowns? Not allowed to go to concerts as a teenager incase something as terrible as the Manchester bombings happen? The risks of a fatal accident in a well maintained car with a good car seat and a sensible driver are odds I would take for my child to have a full life.

Having children is hard but your anxiety is limiting her life and that's your problem not hers.

I'm pregnant with my second at the moment spending a lot of my time being sick I would not wish sickness on anyone when it would be so easily fixed.

DismantledKing · 28/10/2022 14:15

It's my understanding that RF is much safer until at least 4 years old, that's what we'll be doing with our 1 year old. Your little girl will be able to take some over the counter medications at her age, or have you tried sickness bands?

yeah, does them up with OTC medication instead. Much safer.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:15

Op has touched a nerve with people who turned their children young and were more interested in convenience than safety.

What a daft statement.

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 28/10/2022 14:16

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:15

Op has touched a nerve with people who turned their children young and were more interested in convenience than safety.

What a daft statement.

It isn't though. You're all being really aggressive and weird.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 14:16

Neurotic90 · 28/10/2022 13:55

What have I said that's incorrect? I'm neurotic about other things, but this is a pretty cut and dry subject. There's extensive scientific evidence of which is safer. If you're a parent, are you perhaps feeling a bit guilty about making a choice that's less safe for your child?

It's literally the same as supervising your child eating or in the bath being safer than leaving them unsupervised, no one would argue otherwise, there's not two right answers here either. It's just parental guilt or the usual "oh we did it this way, and they were fine" when let's face it, not every child was fine.

It isn’t, it’s just weighing what might happen in the unlikely event of a crash, against the benefit of being able to interact with your child.

Else why would people choose it?

DismantledKing · 28/10/2022 14:18

whoisthatpersoninthemirror · 28/10/2022 14:16

It isn't though. You're all being really aggressive and weird.

Show quote history

It is a daft statement though.

Somuchgoo · 28/10/2022 14:18

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:14

Neither of my children have complained about being cramped, or the view, or expressed any dissatisfaction with it.

Well if they’ve never experienced the possible comfort of FF or the different view etc they can’t miss it I guess.

Precisely!

So they are happy AND safer. Brilliant

My youngest (3.5) sees her older sister forward facing, and still is perfectly happy in her seat.

We talk, sing, play games, and she plays on a tablet or with toys sometimes. It's fine. We pay car spotting games, and she fully participates.

Heronwatcher · 28/10/2022 14:19

I do think you’re being a bit U. Surely it’s worth trying FF for the sickness if nothing else- feeling sick in a car as you know is absolutely awful. And as others have said, what are you going to do when she starts school and needs to go on a trip? I know it is a case of balancing risks and different people have different hills they would die on but I do think this is OTT- that said as others have pointed out, your child, your rules and they do need to respect that. If your parents are otherwise helpful/ sensible and have a good relationship with your DD I would try to raise this more gently and build some bridges.