To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

@IdiotSandwich05

exactly how long are you planning on having your daughter rear facing OP?
until she’s 12? 17? 23?

No I don't.

My DD is now 4 and allowed to be FF however I don't allow my DD to go in older cars.

So I delibrately didn't help relations, who would be the ones most likely take my DD out, buy a car seat until everyone in that household had changed their cars. (Yes someone was driving a car from the 1990s)

My friends with children who need or just grown out of their boosters are more safety conscious.

What is more convenient about FF compared to RF?

So they are happy AND safer. Brilliant

Give them a go in the FF seat and ask them again…

From what I've seen online, somewhere around 4-5 is where the child's bones have matured and the pelvis has fully formed. I think this is why she 4 is an approximate goal for many ERF parents.

Your just being silly now.

The OP will rear face until her child can't fit into the seat or she decides the seat is too old, whatever comes first.

The seats have weight limits.

Sorry if this has already been covered but do your parents take her far generally speaking, do they do regular childcare and take her out every week? Or is it just occasionally?
Just thinking if they just occasionally take her on local journeys going 30-40 mph you could maybe relax on this a bit. Your choice though obviously.
But if they are regularly taking her on longer journeys at higher speeds where an accident, if it happens, is more likely to be worse, stick with your position.

Also myths:

the child can't see anything.

Wrong. You actually see more rear-facing as you have the whole back window unimpeded to look out v the seat and passenger/driver in front of you.

their legs won't fit!

Wrong. Kids do all sorts of weird stuff with their legs when sitting on the floor and a chair. RF is no different and actually it prevents feet dangling, which can be even more uncomfy.

I don't have a big car so can't do it

Wrong. ERF seats can be quite compact and take the same space or sometimes even less space as FF. I have a C3, a small car, and can fit in two ERF seats.

you can't interact with your child

Wrong again. They can still talk while RF shockingly. And if you are driving then you aren't going to be looking at them anyway. You can install a mirror in the back to see their face, just like looking in the rear view mirror if they were FF anyway.

You are not OTT. Rear facing is a lot safer, end of. Our 3 year old is rear facing, and will remain so for as long as there are car seats that enable that. She is car sick too, but so am I, and so is my father - rear or no rear facing. I also take the view that I’d rather she was nauseous and safe. Incidentally, don’t avoid driving - research shows the more you do it the more the nausea reduces.

Would that help you justify your choices? 🙄

I'll carry on doing what's safer and best for my family.

@Hugasauras I know their legs physically fit. But I have seen taller kids whose legs seemed very squashed. I have never seen a child sit like anywhere else.

I don’t need to justify my choices. Why would I want to do that? 🙄

Well you seem to have a weird bee in your bonnet about people making different life choices to you. Very odd.

There's nothing wrong with extended rear facing. It's safer. 🙄

This is what would concern me op. Please think about it and risk assess the vomiting issue because the probability of your dd vomiting is way way higher than you getting in an accident.

It's not just the risk of an accident, but the risk of being in the type of accident where a RF seat protects against injury in a way FF seat wouldn't.

She's not sick every time and on the rare occasion she is it's a tiny amount.

But also you "don't go out in the car much due to said sickness but sometimes it's unavoidable"?

Which is it? Sounds like back-pedalling to me. If she was only rarely sick you wouldn't be avoiding using the car, and presumably your parents wouldn't be pushing FF so hard as an alternative. How long are you intending to leave your daughter RF for?

If she’s in the back, surely FF would be sensible, particularly if she’s travel sick? I’d definitely vomit if made to sit backwards on any vehicle.

Do you do a lot of motorway driving? I just wondered if the type of driving you and the grandparents do impacts the risk of serious injury.

You are not being unreasonable in the least, I wouldn’t let anyone take my child anywhere FF.
the bottom line is that you are not the one causing this, she is your child and you parents need to realise that YOU make the patenting decisions, not them, my parents don’t always agree with me on safety stuff and I always get the eye roll and told that I’m “being over the top” And they did just fine in their day but they still respect my choices and do as I ask them to with my child.
And let’s take a sec to talk about survivor bias in older generations, I just got chucked on the back seat of my parents car in a bassinet and I was fine but nobody suggests anything as ridiculous these days because when we know better we do better.
If your parents can’t respect your decisions then they aren’t respecting you as a parent and I would see that as a huge problem.

Having said all that, If my child was severely car sick RF that would be the only instance I’d consider FF earlier than intended as that’s no fun for anyone but it wouldn’t be a decision I’d make lightly.
Your mum is acting like a child and trying to guilt trip you for putting a boundary in place that prevents her from doing something she feels she should be able to do, this speaks of how entitled she feels she is to make these decisions regardless of what you say.

Thing is, if your aim is to reduce RTA risk as far as possible you wouldn't get in the car at all.

If my child was vomiting in the car I'd rather be able to see them in the rear view mirror to check they weren't choking on it etc.

OP’s big problem with her parents is that if she caves and allows them to FF the child, and the child realises that she’s not sick when FF, she’ll never willingly sit in a RF seat again. I don’t agree with her zealotry but I do understand why she feels it’s necessary.

I am also not keen on forward facing car seats (my DD is 2). However, my parents have a forward facing car seat for her and I do let them use it to take her out. I think for me it depends on where they are taking her, I am comfortable with a quick flit on quiet roads or in town where there’s enough traffic to mean they are going to be travelling very slowly, I wouldn’t be comfortable with a long drive, on a motorway or something or in icy conditions.

I'm a Granny... who went out and bought ERF car seats for my car and for my DD2's car, precisely because I had researched first. So my DGS is rear facing 99% of car journey's.
However my son in law's car is older, does not have isofix and small and we could only fit a FFseat in his. So on the rare occasions he has to go in the little car he is forward facing. None of us like it but sometimes needs must. But none of us would make it a hill to die on. He accepts that he is rear facing most of the time because that's what he is placed in!

However as your child is not a baby or small toddler I genuinely think it would be more harmful to refuse her time with grandparents than to allow the occasional FF journey. At some point she will have to travel on public transport, or a school trip (where a booster seat is the most you'll get) and it might be time to just relax a bit.
Plus she might stop feeling so sick!
I can guarantee that your parents want your child safe!

Please don't spoil your relationship with your parents and for your daughter over an occasional trip!

I agree with this. Stick to your guns OP

@Hugasauras

And the majority of DD's friends at 3-4 are still rearfacing if possible (because their parents are educated people who researched and didn't just buy £50 seats from Halfords). I'll take my happily on this one

You mean the £50 seats from Halfords that have passed the same mandatory regulatory checks before coming to market as the £250 ones - the ones that a really poorly-educated person like a part-time nurse might buy?

Have a whole packet