Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Cuckoomonster · 28/10/2022 13:54

My child is 4 and still RF because I too have read about the safety tests and could not forgive myself and if we had an accident and anything happened. Your parents are being ridiculous to go against your wishes. I can't believe the level of criticism you are getting on here. Keep going you are doing the best for your child. My child also gets car sick sometimes on long journeys but so did I as a child and it wasn't anything to do with RF or FF.

NewYorkLassie · 28/10/2022 13:55

FF does not alleviate travel sickness as you know

It absolutely did for my DC1. And it does for me. I can’t even go backwards on a train without feeling queasy but absolutely fine facing forwards.

Neurotic90 · 28/10/2022 13:55

What have I said that's incorrect? I'm neurotic about other things, but this is a pretty cut and dry subject. There's extensive scientific evidence of which is safer. If you're a parent, are you perhaps feeling a bit guilty about making a choice that's less safe for your child?

It's literally the same as supervising your child eating or in the bath being safer than leaving them unsupervised, no one would argue otherwise, there's not two right answers here either. It's just parental guilt or the usual "oh we did it this way, and they were fine" when let's face it, not every child was fine.

Tuilpmouse · 28/10/2022 13:56

Just because they did something and "you survived" doesn't mean it's not dangerous.

FF your 3.5 yo child is not "dangerous" ffs... it's just not quite as safe as RFing them!

Also, I'm guessing the dangers to health of repeated travel sickness aren't zero... Frequent vomiting isn't good for the teeth for a start!

DismantledKing · 28/10/2022 13:57

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 13:48

Perfectly chosen name.

Show quote history

Yep

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 13:58

Neurotic90 · 28/10/2022 13:55

What have I said that's incorrect? I'm neurotic about other things, but this is a pretty cut and dry subject. There's extensive scientific evidence of which is safer. If you're a parent, are you perhaps feeling a bit guilty about making a choice that's less safe for your child?

It's literally the same as supervising your child eating or in the bath being safer than leaving them unsupervised, no one would argue otherwise, there's not two right answers here either. It's just parental guilt or the usual "oh we did it this way, and they were fine" when let's face it, not every child was fine.

I'm not feeling guilty about where my kids sit in the car and when my parents are good enough to give us a break by taking them out I trust them and don't act like a prick about what they can and cannot do. This poster sounds like the kind who bitches at grandparents for what they feed them rather than just accepting the help. * *

ErrolFinn · 28/10/2022 14:00

I think you are getting mixed responses due to a lot of people on MN having older/adult children and not being aware of recent changes in car seat safety.
Although I completely agree re ERF (we have 3 Swedish plus tested ERF seats for our cars and GP cars which we will use until 25kg) I think the main point is your parents are not respecting your wishes. This is obviously something you care about and at the end of the day you are the parent and make the rules.

antelopevalley · 28/10/2022 14:01

Do people really use RF car seats until a child is 7, 8 or 9 years old?

namechangetheworld · 28/10/2022 14:02

Theydoyaknow · 28/10/2022 13:12

She should be ashamed of her own responses. They are that nasty they have to be deleted.

Show quote history

I think the amount of vile, defensive posts aimed at the OP and her parenting FAR outweigh the singular post she had removed.

If I had this barrage of abuse hurled at me I'd be nasty too. How would you react if someone claimed you were torturing your child?

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 14:03

namechangetheworld · 28/10/2022 14:02

I think the amount of vile, defensive posts aimed at the OP and her parenting FAR outweigh the singular post she had removed.

If I had this barrage of abuse hurled at me I'd be nasty too. How would you react if someone claimed you were torturing your child?

Show quote history

She's being ridiculous and it's probably not nice to hear, though it is useful one would hope.

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:03

Yes. Ff does make a massive difference to travel sickness.
But then if they are not prepared to follow your wishes then WHY are they having solo time either her? It's entirely unnecessary to leave your child with someone who isn't prepared to support safety decisions you've made. No professional childcare would question it. I'd ditch there 1:1 time.

FrustatedAgain · 28/10/2022 14:04

I get travel sick after a couple of minutes travelling backwards on the train, and then feel nauseous for the rest of the day. I think it’s harsh you’re inflicting this on your child. Yes RF is safer but really at 3.5 surely she should just be allowed to have a pleasant journey and see where she is going and the other passengers.

Lovemylittlebear · 28/10/2022 14:04

I recently asked my in-laws to continue RF my 18 month old as it’s safer (he’s still very young). However at 3.5 and also with car sickness I would FF in a decent car seat. For me the risk of vomiting and choking would also be a consideration, alongside comfort, the child’s wishes/happiness and emotional distress if car sickness is a thing. I do think it’s a bit OTT and I’m generally ‘anal’ when it comes to safety measures and my children.

if you think about their point of view. They are potentially thinking that they are doing the right thing by ‘advocating’ for a grandchild that they love, if they ‘believe’ she is uncomfortable and that she is more likely to be sick and become upset.

Mangogogogo · 28/10/2022 14:05

antelopevalley · 28/10/2022 14:01

Do people really use RF car seats until a child is 7, 8 or 9 years old?

IRL no. In bizarro mumsnet land - everybody

ancientgran · 28/10/2022 14:05

NewYorkLassie · 28/10/2022 13:55

FF does not alleviate travel sickness as you know

It absolutely did for my DC1. And it does for me. I can’t even go backwards on a train without feeling queasy but absolutely fine facing forwards.

Didn't solve it 100% for mine, 90% was good though, being in the front seat also helped. Driving herself was the final few percent although that isn't recommended for a three year old.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:05

I am guilty of having children in their twenties but the RF thing was around for discussion even that long ago. 👵🏻
If it really makes all the difference now is there a change in law imminent regarding this?

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 14:05

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:03

Yes. Ff does make a massive difference to travel sickness.
But then if they are not prepared to follow your wishes then WHY are they having solo time either her? It's entirely unnecessary to leave your child with someone who isn't prepared to support safety decisions you've made. No professional childcare would question it. I'd ditch there 1:1 time.

God that's disgusting. Grandparents should shove their free childcare up her arse if she takes that attitude.

savehannah · 28/10/2022 14:05

@ItsNotReallyChaos I kept my daughter RF aged 3, thirteen years ago when there were no easily commercially available RF seats for older children, we had to buy one from a special needs provider. Everyone else we knew turned their kids FF around 9-18 months and constantly called dd "poor DD" for still facing backwards. Also all this "where will her legs go?" nonsense. I kept having to explain I'm not keeping her in a baby carrier, it's a seat designed to go up to age 5 and has loads of space. People are very judgemental and can't even be bothered to research the safety stats.

Theydoyaknow · 28/10/2022 14:06

namechangetheworld · 28/10/2022 14:02

I think the amount of vile, defensive posts aimed at the OP and her parenting FAR outweigh the singular post she had removed.

If I had this barrage of abuse hurled at me I'd be nasty too. How would you react if someone claimed you were torturing your child?

Show quote history

What the child is going through on every car journey is tortuous.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 14:06

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:03

Yes. Ff does make a massive difference to travel sickness.
But then if they are not prepared to follow your wishes then WHY are they having solo time either her? It's entirely unnecessary to leave your child with someone who isn't prepared to support safety decisions you've made. No professional childcare would question it. I'd ditch there 1:1 time.

I don’t know where to start with this comment…

antelopevalley · 28/10/2022 14:06

Mangogogogo · 28/10/2022 14:05

IRL no. In bizarro mumsnet land - everybody

Show quote history

I don't know anyone doing this so I wondered if it had passed me by.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 14:07

It is literally your choice

But I think you are cracked - you have to balance the likelihood of a serious crash against interaction, car sickness and a good relationship with grandparents.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 14:07

YANBU. DD is RF and will be till she hits the seat limit (25kg so she'll probably be 5/6). She's 3.5 now. DD2 will be same. No one else has ever driven them in their car so I don't think that's particularly unusual if you don't have family nearby, but if GPs were going to be driving her around then I would buy an ERF seat for them to do so

Rear-facing makes some people totally lose their minds on MN, OP, for some reason. Given the criticism people get on here for some 'unsafe' practices, I find it strange car seats don't elicit the same response and people are happy to stick their children in cheaply made seats facing forward at the minimum age because 'that's what the law says I can', but there you have it. Just focus on your own parenting and decisions, and if your parents won't follow your wishes for your child's safety then you're well within your rights to not allow her in the car.

DismantledKing · 28/10/2022 14:08

Onlyforcake · 28/10/2022 14:03

Yes. Ff does make a massive difference to travel sickness.
But then if they are not prepared to follow your wishes then WHY are they having solo time either her? It's entirely unnecessary to leave your child with someone who isn't prepared to support safety decisions you've made. No professional childcare would question it. I'd ditch there 1:1 time.

Completely nuts

hellhavenofury · 28/10/2022 14:08

Just imagine how you feel when you get car sick OP, magnify that 10x and that is what your daughter is feeling. Surely moving her FF to minimise that just as you would take a travel sickness table to ease your discomfort. It make sense, she can't be RF forever!

Swipe left for the next trending thread