To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

I think you're being unreasonable here.

I don't want a child being sick in my car. That shit stinks and stinks for a long time. FF can help with sickness and if it means she isn't sick in their car that's fine.

Plus, can your parents actually get your child into the rear facing seat? A friend of mine had to turn her child much earlier than she wanted because she couldn't physically lift him into the seat anymore. He wasn't able to climb in rear facing but could ff.

Your parents might not want to admit they struggle to lift your child.

So your child is starting school soon and will be driven to the school gates in her RF car seat for all her friends to see? Poor child

I don’t think this is a car seat issue it’s them not respecting you as your child’s parent. There was lots of things done differently now because not baby/child did survive. Every generation do things differently.

If your child gets car sick that’s a danger in itself if she is RF. Choking is silent. Does she eat in the car? If she does and she chokes I’m guessing no one will see or hear her. She’s not a tiny baby, she is nearly 4 and YABU. I haven’t read the full thread so sorry if this has been asked. Are they driving on suburban roads with low speed limits or taking her on high speed trips on the motorway? If it’s just going out and about in their local area then you’re just being downright ridiculous. Help your baby feel better and let her sit FF on short journeys for goodness sake!

I’m 100% sure that reception aged kids couldn’t give a crap wether other reception aged kids arrive in a FF or RF car seat, they won’t even notice, and OP hasn’t even said the kids needs driving to school. It’s not like OP is planning to drop the kids off RF in high school.

The gps should follow your instructions about major issues like safety, food preferences etc. Your kid, your rules. They got to make the rules for their kids. And if they can't follow your rules they can't do xyz. Simple. Whether your choice to continue rear facing is the right one or not is not really relevant here.

Ops 3.5 to isn't big. My large 2.5 yo are 16 kg and my skinny average height 7 yo is 21kg.

Is she's travel sick @IdiotSandwich05 is someone sat in the back with her at all times? Perhaps that's why they're keen to turn her?

I don't know many primary schools where kids are driven to the school gate tbh, most have no park areas or parents walk. And for those kids we do see getting out of cars, neither I nor DS would have a clue what sort of car seat they have. Do you performance parent as you're getting you kid out, parked right in front of the gates so no one can get past?

I'm kind of laughing here as I was a 70s kid and stepdad and mum had us in the backseat with just seatbelts or even none (mostly it was seatbelts). I don't know how we were transported as babies...

DM and stepdad drove us everywhere, rarely if ever crashed. We certainly weren't injured ever.

DNephew whenever me or my DP's take him out in our cars has always had a forward facing seat from when he was young enough to go in the car.

I'd at least try FF seat if RF is making her car sick as car sickness is horrendous.

Perhaps, but if driving is so dangerous that you believe RF seats are an absolute must, then logically you would only drive when it was unavoidable and absolutely essential to do so (obtaining food, receiving necessary health and education etc) as otherwise you are placing your DC at risk of being orphaned as you drive or are a passenger "front-facing".

If you're untroubled about the risk of being front facing yourself (or your DP or older DC), you probably need to chill out a bit about front facing your 3-4 year old.

We have the Cybex FF car seat that is the safest car seat ever made (including over RF ones). Best of both worlds then, maybe your parents could by you that one?

This.

@IdiotSandwich05 : It's about looking at everything that might happen when travelling in a car and for each 'risk', considering the likelihood of it happening and the severity if it did and then considering how to reduce the risk to an acceptable level.

You're clearly focussed on trying to reduce the highest severity risk (death or permanent life-changing injury resulting from a high-impact road accident), even if it is very unlikely to occur. Others may be focussed on reducing the most likely risk (e.g. vomiting causing discomfort, distress, and potentially serious injury), even though it is less likely to cause severe harm.

Neither is inherently wrong which is why not everyone agrees with you.

It is important to remember that no risk can be entirely eliminated. A RF carseat may be better in some types of accident. In other types of accident it won't make any difference if she is RF or FF.

Reception children will see what sort of car seat their friends sit in when they get in their car themselves if they’re being given a lift home perhaps or to a birthday party etc.

Your child - your rules. Sounds like your parents don't respect you as a parent. Just because they did something and "you survived" doesn't mean it's not dangerous.
You can do anything stupid and survive (e.g. drink driving), doesn't mean it's a good decision.

You are right.
FF could put your child at risk.

I suspect everybody saying you're unreasonable for RF your child is saying that because they feel defensive of their less safe parenting choices. RF being safer, even at 3.5 is fact not opinion. FF does not alleviate travel sickness as you know, your child your rules OP.

One thing that does actually help is stopping her being able to see out the windows if you can do that (full size sun shades that you pull over might help, plus one for the rear window).

YANBU
They have a choice: either they respect your decision on the car seat or they don't transport your child in their car.

Unfortunately some people can't get over the fact other people aren't differently and think that other people not doing it their way is some sort of judgement and worthy of a stubborn defensive attitude.

Sounds, more like, they're trying to active grandparents and help out but are weary of her uptight bullshit

I personally think you're being OTT but your child your choice. Considering she gets sick every time and the chance of a collision is minimal (and the chance of serious injury in case of a collision a small percentage of that), at almost 4 years old I'd FF. You can't keep her RF forever.

I'm not trying to be mean here but do you have a general issue with anxiety OP? My parents were very anxious and it wasn't just in the car. I was never allowed to go in the water, on school trips, walk to school by myself (even at 16), play outside with friends anywhere except on the drive of their house with them watching. I realise my case was extreme but it created a lot of issues for me as an adult and isolated me as a child, so if this anxiety is not just around the car please do seek help for her sake.

Perfectly chosen name.

I don't feel guilty for forward facing all my children at the earliest opportunity - some of us can't afford huge cars with the space to RF. anyway OP is being ridiculous and very PFB.

Oh and FF will absolutely help with car sickness.

YANBU that your DPs should respect your wishes as parents....

BUT, beware stressing over minimising risks that are already very tiny indeed, as the damage you'll do to your mental health trying to turn every 1-in-a-million risk into a 1-in-a-10 million risk, and the impact a excessively protective and overly anxious parent has on a child will likely be far worse.

Don't be that parent who won't let their child use the oven when they're 14 or let them stay home alone in the evening when they're 15 with the defence that "you can never be too careful".... when, actually, you can definitely be too careful for you and your DC's good.

I’d say I was more likely to crash when I was distracted by my child being sick in the back. So on balance I’d rather be less distracted and less likely to crash in the first place.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. I also ERF my little one and we all know it's the safest way. Why people don't do it is beyond me.

Could the issue be with them not having access to a rear facing car seat? Could you buy them one if money is an issue?

It's safer to rear face until at least 4.
My some will turn four in a couple of months and will be rear facing for the foreseeable future.
I wouldn't let him forward face. You aren't unreasonable to say the same.
Others should do what they want with regards to their children, but this is your child.