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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 13:21

@Sparklingbrook I called someone an effing idiot. Yes not nice or mature but they said I was TORTURING my child.

OP posts:
ShouldIdo · 28/10/2022 13:22

YABU and I do feel sorry for you child, just because she vomits occasionally doesn't mean she doesn't always feel sick when travelling.

You don't know if they would feel sick FF, because you won't even try it.

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 13:22

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 13:21

@Sparklingbrook I called someone an effing idiot. Yes not nice or mature but they said I was TORTURING my child.

You are coming across as a rather unpleasant know it all. You parents want to take your child out and about, many people would love this and never get it. Let them spend time with their grandchild and take the stick out of your arse.

Herecomesthesunlittledarling · 28/10/2022 13:22

@IdiotSandwich05 genuine question- how will she go on school trips next year if she can't travel unless in a rear facing car seat? My DC went on several school trips via coach in reception.

BretonBlue · 28/10/2022 13:23

This conversation is totally pointless. What can you possibly be getting from it? The vote is 72% YABU and the vast majority of posters have been kind and polite in offering their thoughts.

AegonT · 28/10/2022 13:24

My 7.5 year old is still rear-facing in our cars in her 25kg seat. She is 22kg but will outgrow them by height soon. However she's never been car-sick. If she was then I would have forward-faced her as early as 2 (still harnessed not a booster).

A safe car seat is still safe, rear-facing is safer. A lot safer for under fours.

Our daughter has ridden in high-backed boosters in friends' cars since 4.5, an inflatable booster in a minibus and no car seat in a coach.

In your situation I would compromise with a harnessed forward facing seat (of your choosing) in your parents' car.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 13:25

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 13:21

@Sparklingbrook I called someone an effing idiot. Yes not nice or mature but they said I was TORTURING my child.

And it was a personal attack so quite rightly it was deleted. 🤷‍♀️

caoraich · 28/10/2022 13:25

At 14kg she is pretty small, mine is the same age and size. I agree with you, people are really behind in safety knowledge and the law hasn't caught up. Your kid, your rules, they have to accept this. I don't let others drive my DD if I don't think they have a suitable seat. It's never caused any issue though. Sickness is an issue but I guess depends how bad - do you mean nausea or puking?

When I was a junior doctor I saw a small child die from a neck injury sustained in a crash. It has always stayed with me.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 28/10/2022 13:26

You asked the question aibu and the bast majority have said yes yabu there is your answer !!! What you do now is up to you. Carry on exactly the same I expect what a completely pointless thread.

northbacchus · 28/10/2022 13:26

I’ve personally been sick quite a lot, from pregnancy and other issues, and I’m now having dental problems as a result of that.

Is your DD physically sick from the car sickness?

Ponderingwindow · 28/10/2022 13:27

Facing forwards may not make travel sickness go away, but it does make it less intense.

I strongly support extended rear facing in almost all circumstances. In this one, op has it wrong.

zurala · 28/10/2022 13:27

YANBU op. I get really travel sick and it's worse facing backwards but I still say YANBU because it's your child and your safety rules and they should respect them, end of. The travel sickness is a red herring.

SuburbanMummy123 · 28/10/2022 13:27

I'm 100% with OP here. Rear facing is safer and grandparents must stick to parents’ safety rules. My MIL suggested FF a few times until I made it abundantly clear that the issue is not up for debate. (Although possibly a fair point that if she actually vomits then that’s also a hazard, but not sure how often that happens plus it’s for the parents to assess, no-one else)

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/10/2022 13:27

Tbf to the OP being told that she is torturing her child probably feels like quite a personal attack too.

DucklingDaisy · 28/10/2022 13:28

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/10/2022 13:27

Tbf to the OP being told that she is torturing her child probably feels like quite a personal attack too.

It actual is cruel. She might not like hearing it, but there’s lots of ways a parent can be cruel to a child when their goal is further minimising/fully eradicating already very small risks.

LanaDooleyx3 · 28/10/2022 13:29

Do you suffer with anxiety in other areas OP? I get wanting to keep your child as safe as possible, but I do think the fact she suffers with car sickness to the point you take car journeys as little as possible to avoid it is relevant here.

My brother suffers with anxiety hugely. His 3 boys are not allowed to do anything. They live an extremely restrictive life - they are not allowed in parks in case they hurt themselves. The oldest is nearly 10.

I am not saying you are on this level whatsoever but maybe something to think about. If it is anxiety that is spurring you than you're not going to be able to think rationally and of course to you the idea of her being sick is far more preferable to her being injured in a crash.

But how likely is a crash? How likely is one that is bad enough to cause death or serious injury to her? Versus the chances of her throwing up from car sickness? Choking on sick? With no one being able to see her as she is rear facing.

Only you can decide - it's not something I would fall out with my parents over and risk damaging said relationship, but I accept the way i look at risk is going to be different to yourself.

ChristmasFluff · 28/10/2022 13:29

Now your child is old enough to face forwards, she might feel a hell of a lot less car sick if she did so

IceReckon · 28/10/2022 13:30

If she suffers car sickness then it's unreasonable to keep her still rear facing at this age imo.
Nausea and vomiting is awful, especially motion sickness is a particularly nasty type of nausea.

Our youngest gets car sick and rear facing made it far worse, we stuck to safer slower routes and turned him once he met requirements rather than keeping him rear facing until he maxed out.

There's a bit of a statistical difference in outcome rear facing vs forward facing but that can be mitigated by speed and road type (so other cars speed). Go slower and your kid will do far better in a crash (and be less likely to be in one) forward facing and also not have to feel awful every journey, compared to going your standard speed and routes while using rear facing.

Sparklingbrook · 28/10/2022 13:30

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/10/2022 13:27

Tbf to the OP being told that she is torturing her child probably feels like quite a personal attack too.

OP should report that and let MNHQ decide whether it needs deleting perhaps if they feel that attacked?

GuyFawkesDay · 28/10/2022 13:32

I can't help but think you're overreacting here OP.

Your child is big enough now for it to be fine to do these journeys with GPs. Your attitude will damage your relationship with them.

The chances of a high speed crash are infinitesimally smaller than you ruining your family relationships by getting on your high horse.

Get a safe forward facing seat. Your child may well be less sick too. You sound very anxious and wound up and I think you've maybe just lost a bit of perspective here?

antelopevalley · 28/10/2022 13:32

I am really split here. It is safer RF. But feeling sick is awful. And I have seen kids in RR car seats who look ridiculously uncomfortable as their legs are so squashed. The average age at 25kg is 7 years old and it is rare to see a child this age in a RF seat as they would be so squashed in.

Whiskeypowers · 28/10/2022 13:33

I don’t understand why you started this thread really.

She’s your daughter. You don’t want her forward facing. You aren’t interested in any discussion around the resolution of either issue : that being the situation with your parents or your views on child car seat safety / sickness / the inevitable occasion she will be in a car before 25kg etc forward facing

perhaps you just fancied an online argument……

Brunonononooo · 28/10/2022 13:33

I don’t think YABU but my son is 4.5 and still RF. I will do the same with DS2 as well for as long as possible. My mum occasionally drives them round and has bought an extended RF seat because I said I prefer them to RF, she has never questioned it. I don’t really see why your parents argue if it’s safer?! Neither of mine are car sick though so I can’t comment on that aspect.

ShouldIdo · 28/10/2022 13:34

SuburbanMummy123 · 28/10/2022 13:27

I'm 100% with OP here. Rear facing is safer and grandparents must stick to parents’ safety rules. My MIL suggested FF a few times until I made it abundantly clear that the issue is not up for debate. (Although possibly a fair point that if she actually vomits then that’s also a hazard, but not sure how often that happens plus it’s for the parents to assess, no-one else)

So, if she has only vomited once, that's fine? you can choke on one episode of vomiting, as OP is so concerned, she should assess if choking or being sat in a FF car seat and having an accident that would've ended with different results had they been sat in a rear facing.

bruffin · 28/10/2022 13:34

you are making her car sick by rear facing, what if she were to choke on her vomit?
i was car sick as a child , it was horrible

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