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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think hotel booked does not equal sex?

115 replies

Hotelschmotell · 27/10/2022 22:31

So I have someone I have known a long time who I have been speaking to now as we are both single, we live in different towns.

We have been speaking about meeting up for some dinner and something fun. We discussed him coming to me but it’s very very far for him however I am near his town for work sometime. Anyway, I was due to go down for work, I told him this. I was planning on doing a day trip as I usually do. He said he would like to see me so if he booked me a hotel would I meet him for dinner? I felt uncomfortable with this as although I have known him a long time, it feels almost like transactional. Anyway he said he would insist on paying as I wouldn’t stay if i wasn’t meeting him. He said don’t worry I don’t think I’m inviting myself in. So I let him book with the agreement I would pay for our dinner and activities

So I let him book the hotel. I worked all day, got to the hotel, met him. We had two drinks over dinner, he then started stroking my leg which I was uncomfortable with, i moved away twice and laughed it off. Then he started lowering his voice asking if I had sexy pyjamas back at the hotel and could I let him see them. I then said I’m not comfortable with this and I don’t do casual sex. He then said why would he book a hotel if he wasn’t going to get any?

I feel so stupid, I should have booked my own hotel but i thought if I paid for dinner we would be even. Does the fact he paid for the hotel really mean I would be okay for sex? I just feel really horrible. I paid for dinner, I also gave him the money for the hotel so I’m down a lot of money just to be touched up. He’s called me a couple of times but I just can’t

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 22:34

He explicitly said the room was for you not for him to assume he was invited. He is clearly trying to chance his arm, but his comment means I'd never see him again.

Mum2jenny · 27/10/2022 22:35

He’s being a chancer. But I think you may have been a bit naive

Pippa12 · 27/10/2022 22:35

That’s not nice, he’s not nice. Even if was initially your intention and you changed your mind that’s ok to. Nothing gives a free pass to sex ever, not least paying for a hotel room under false pretences.

Block him, chalk it up to bitter experience. This guy is not a friend.

Original poster
Hotelschmotell · 27/10/2022 22:35

I am 100% not seeing him again. The behaviour and his comments absolutely turned me off the minute it was happening

OP posts:
titchy · 27/10/2022 22:35

He's a creep. That said, if someone booked and paid for a hotel for me I'd assume it was because they wanted sex and would accept/decline accordingly.

butterfliedtwo · 27/10/2022 22:36

titchy · 27/10/2022 22:35

He's a creep. That said, if someone booked and paid for a hotel for me I'd assume it was because they wanted sex and would accept/decline accordingly.

Yep.

userxx · 27/10/2022 22:37

Sleaze. I'd also have paid for the hotel, not a chance I'd want anything from him.

Don't give it anymore headspace, it's not worth it.

Original poster
Hotelschmotell · 27/10/2022 22:37

I did not intend to have sex with him, but I do agree I have been naive as he may have expected it despite me saying that is not my thing.

I feel really stupid, I have only really been in long term relationships so this dating and everything else is new to me. Lesson 100% learned there

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 22:39

titchy · 27/10/2022 22:35

He's a creep. That said, if someone booked and paid for a hotel for me I'd assume it was because they wanted sex and would accept/decline accordingly.

Thing is, you could accept the initial invitation intending to have sex, then during dinner be treated grimly (as above) and not want to invite him back up.

Also a perfectly valid choice.

Uurrjb · 27/10/2022 22:41

Absolute creep 🤢🤢

thenewduchessoflapland · 27/10/2022 22:44

You're not an escort but obviously he thinks if he springs £80(as an example) for a hotel room you'll be putting out.Utter creep.I'd consider this friendship over.

Shelbellsanddoodles · 27/10/2022 22:45

You weren't stupid, he was a dick. He said he wasn't trying to invite himself in, then did just that. He's a sleeze and doesn't deserve any more space in your head. Block and move on.

Whataretheodds · 27/10/2022 22:47

I'm not sure you were that naive - you've known him for a while, he said he booked the room for you and emphasised that he wasn't inviting himself in.

He behaved poorly. Please don't feel bad.

Question - did he use the words 'dinner and something fun'? For some people the 'fun' bit would mean sex, and it's often used that way on OLD, so be aware.

titchy · 27/10/2022 22:49

Thing is, you could accept the initial invitation intending to have sex, then during dinner be treated grimly (as above) and not want to invite him back up.

Oh absolutely. The original assumption would have been that sex was on the cards though. But yes the 'transaction' doesn't have to be carried through if either party changes their mind.

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/10/2022 22:50

titchy · 27/10/2022 22:35

He's a creep. That said, if someone booked and paid for a hotel for me I'd assume it was because they wanted sex and would accept/decline accordingly.

This. He's a creep, but it was probably predictable. It's a pity, but so many men are like this.

Drop him as a friend, and chalk it up to experience.

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 22:51

He expressly said don't worry don't think I'm inviting myself in. That's an absolute dick move on his part. Id cut him out completely after that. I think he's been really disrespectful.

Bookishish · 27/10/2022 22:53

Urgh but yes, I’d have assumed he had booked the hotel room for sex.

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 22:54

titchy · 27/10/2022 22:35

He's a creep. That said, if someone booked and paid for a hotel for me I'd assume it was because they wanted sex and would accept/decline accordingly.

Agree with this

Clymene · 27/10/2022 22:58

He's a total creep. Do make sure you tell all mutuals. Everyone deserves to know.

Anon778833 · 27/10/2022 22:59

Why the hell did you give him money? He’s a POS - he is not your friend. He’s trying to use you for sex. The fact that he took money from you only confirms what a loser he is. Please block the t*at.

Caiti19 · 27/10/2022 22:59

He actually accepted your money for both the room and the dinner? Total creep.

Anon778833 · 27/10/2022 23:01

Nothing gives a free pass to sex ever, not least paying for a hotel room under false pretences.

Yep

SkylightSkylight · 27/10/2022 23:03

Mum2jenny · 27/10/2022 22:35

He’s being a chancer. But I think you may have been a bit naive

Why? He explicitly said he wasn't inviting himself in!

ScrollingLeaves · 27/10/2022 23:03

He said don’t worry I don’t think I’m inviting myself in.

Then he said after the dinner, “why would he book a hotel if he wasn’t going to get any”?*

He is an creep. He “would be paying” because you would not have been staying over if not to meet him. A paid hotel room, a dinner (if he had paid for it) does not mean you owe him sex. Not if he’s worth knowing, anyway.

I’d completely cut him out of your life..
You’ve had a lucky escape from someone unworthy of you.

The worst you’ve done wrong is to have been a bit naive to have trusted him before you knew him a lot better which is a risk with any man.

Realityloom · 27/10/2022 23:06

This makes no sense so you paid for the dinner and he paid for your hotel? What was the point.

Next time discuss what your looking for beforehand.

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