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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think hotel booked does not equal sex?

115 replies

Hotelschmotell · 27/10/2022 22:31

So I have someone I have known a long time who I have been speaking to now as we are both single, we live in different towns.

We have been speaking about meeting up for some dinner and something fun. We discussed him coming to me but it’s very very far for him however I am near his town for work sometime. Anyway, I was due to go down for work, I told him this. I was planning on doing a day trip as I usually do. He said he would like to see me so if he booked me a hotel would I meet him for dinner? I felt uncomfortable with this as although I have known him a long time, it feels almost like transactional. Anyway he said he would insist on paying as I wouldn’t stay if i wasn’t meeting him. He said don’t worry I don’t think I’m inviting myself in. So I let him book with the agreement I would pay for our dinner and activities

So I let him book the hotel. I worked all day, got to the hotel, met him. We had two drinks over dinner, he then started stroking my leg which I was uncomfortable with, i moved away twice and laughed it off. Then he started lowering his voice asking if I had sexy pyjamas back at the hotel and could I let him see them. I then said I’m not comfortable with this and I don’t do casual sex. He then said why would he book a hotel if he wasn’t going to get any?

I feel so stupid, I should have booked my own hotel but i thought if I paid for dinner we would be even. Does the fact he paid for the hotel really mean I would be okay for sex? I just feel really horrible. I paid for dinner, I also gave him the money for the hotel so I’m down a lot of money just to be touched up. He’s called me a couple of times but I just can’t

OP posts:

BananaCocktails · 28/10/2022 01:42

Yuck he is an arsehole what a pervert sleaze. If you agreed that you would book a hotel for you both to stay in together then That would probably Suggestive that something sexual could happen let’s keep it real
But the fact that the hotel was booked just for you What was he thinking?
Drop him like a hot potato and find somebody closer to home

Melonapplepear · 28/10/2022 01:47

You're absolutely no BU, but unfortunately in their minds this is exactly how it works. So off putting and is a big part of why I no longer date.

PickAnyName · 28/10/2022 01:53

What a creep! Thank goodness you are safe. What a horrible experience. He was trying it on and he should have respected your boundaries. You did nothing wrong.

Discovereads · 28/10/2022 02:28

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all OP. Or that you’ve been stupid or naive. He’s entirely at fault here.

He literally said he was booking the room for you
And don’t worry he won’t invite himself in

But then he acts like he booked the hotel room for both of you and you’d agreed sex was on the cards, when you had said no such thing!

This is the kind of situation that calls for splashing his drink in his face, grabbing your drink and striding in regal dignity to the room and then ordering tons of room service against his tab before booking a different room and telling reception under no circumstances to give out this new room number to the sleaze ball and having a nice sleep before sending him a big fuck off for the rest of your life message and going home.

OriginalUsername3 · 28/10/2022 02:28

He specifically told you he didn't expect sex for booking the hotel room, and you agreed on that basis. He then told you why would he book a hotel room if he didn't expect sex.

So he lied to you to get you there so he could have sex with you. Gross.

Booklover3 · 28/10/2022 02:43

Ick. You’ve dodged a right one there OP. He’s sleazy.

thewolfandthesheep · 28/10/2022 03:02

He is beneath you. It's sad. But at least you know without loosing your shirt...

DaughterofDawn · 28/10/2022 03:13

I mean… The hotel was a strong indicator that he was asking for sex but I hate men like this. I always preferred the men I date to just be straight forward for these exact reasons. If you want sex you need to have the balls to just come out and ask for it. This dropping hints business is bullshit. Or maybe I’m just jaded because I’ve had too many exes play mind games with me. Either way you aren’t the problem he is.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/10/2022 04:03

OriginalUsername3 · 28/10/2022 02:28

He specifically told you he didn't expect sex for booking the hotel room, and you agreed on that basis. He then told you why would he book a hotel room if he didn't expect sex.

So he lied to you to get you there so he could have sex with you. Gross.

This.

When men behave like this towards a woman, some men are quick to proclaim that not all men are like that. If not all men are like that, then I don’t think you were stupid or naïve. You just thought he was a decent, honest man.

Turns out he is a lying sleaze-bag. Gross. You are well shot of him.

Aprilx · 28/10/2022 04:27

He sounds awful, very sleazy. But I am going to fall into the camp of you have been very naïve. There is no way I would have accepted the offer of a hotel room. Had I wanted to go out for the evening and wouldn’t be able to get home, I would have arranged and paid for my own accommodation.

sausage767 · 28/10/2022 04:38

"He said don’t worry I don’t think I’m inviting myself in" so it should have been left up to you to invite him. He's a presumptuous cad!

MonetMuse · 28/10/2022 04:49

I can’t believe he took the money back off you for the hotel room. As if he needed to be compensated for dashed expectations even though you’d paid for dinner. Then actually had the nerve to call you again and think that was ok. What an absolute creep!

It’s a shame as you say you’d been getting to know each other for a long time and I guess you liked him as a friend, if nothing else. That makes this hard but I hope you can put it all behind you soon.

ChellyT · 28/10/2022 04:49

Pippa12 · 27/10/2022 22:35

That’s not nice, he’s not nice. Even if was initially your intention and you changed your mind that’s ok to. Nothing gives a free pass to sex ever, not least paying for a hotel room under false pretences.

Block him, chalk it up to bitter experience. This guy is not a friend.

Absolutely this! You may have been down for it at some point BUT the moment you weren't is more than enough reason to not be.

I'm sorry you feel stupid as you are not. Lesson learnt, clear conversation of what is expected or possibly expected is needed at all times, along with NO is a full statement too

emptythelitterbox · 28/10/2022 05:19

Don't be so hard on yourself. Lessons learned is all.

He was using the illusion of familiarity to take advantage. As you found out, knowing someone for a long time doesn't mean you really know them.

Of course he wanted sex. He wouldn't have been talking to you if he didn't.

I don't understand paying him for the hotel? How is he having anything over you for the hotel if you delete and block him? Paying him was just rewarding him for his disrespect and creepiness. So never do that again. Let him suffer the financial consequences of being a creep

Delete and block him

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/10/2022 05:28

Smae old lines..... don't worry, I won't invite myself in,
Can I come in to use your bathroom,
I'll only put it in a little,
etc, etc.

Had a guy buy me drinks at a club moons ago, time to leave and he'd assumed I was going with him. When I declined, he said "well, why did you let me buy you drinks then?" I was naive and learnt a big lesson on accepting drinks.
All I expected was to exchange numbers.

We have been speaking about meeting up for some dinner and something fun.

This would mean sex for most people, especially having to sleep over when you don't usually do. He'd have seen it as you going out of your way for him.

Agree with others about changing your mind though, even if you'd initially wanted to. You didn't want to, he did, big misunderstanding.

I'd take his call, as a longtime friend, you should be able to call him out on it.
Ask why he'd assumed as he did, especially after the conversation you'd had prior, how let down you feel etc.
Clear out any misunderstanding and hopefully he'll learn from it and won't pull those antics with anyone else.

Unfortunately, as much as most men aren't like this, a lot of them are.

anyolddinosaur · 28/10/2022 05:32

WindyHedges · 28/10/2022 01:34

Please don't feel bad. He's a dick.

Men like that count on the way women are socialised to be polite, and to feel shame, when a man is being rude and it's the man who's behaved shamefully.

I hope you stop beating yourself up. You are not naive; he behaved badly. Basically, he lied to you.

Just this. If you ever do this again pay for your hotel but let them pay for dinner. Spending money on a date never entitles anyone to sex.

Buildingthefuture · 28/10/2022 05:37

You’ve done nothing wrong here op. You made it clear you weren’t up for sex, he made it clear he wasn’t going to “invite himself in”. You were being totally honest and assumed he was being the same (as I would) but unfortunately, he wasn’t.
“why would I pay for a hotel if I wasn’t going to get any” shows what an entitled tosser he really is. The fact that some men seem to think they deserve sex if they pay for a few things (usually after insisting they do!) gives me the rage - we aren’t for sale, dickheads!!!!
Bullet dodged here op…block the rancid fucker and move on xx

alotoftutus · 28/10/2022 05:58

What a twat.

You were not naïve, the expectations were spoken about beforehand - he was clear in saying him paying for the hotel didn't mean he was inviting himself in. He lied!
To be honest he sounds like the kind of person who would have been expecting sex if he bought you an ice cream, or simply turned up! I don't think it mattered that it was the hotel he agreed to pay for and not dinner he was expecting it regardless!

I don't necessarily blame him for trying - but no is a complete sentence and the comment he made was as disgusting as his expectation and lie.

Questionaboutjoboffer · 28/10/2022 05:59

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/10/2022 22:34

He explicitly said the room was for you not for him to assume he was invited. He is clearly trying to chance his arm, but his comment means I'd never see him again.

This. Block him too.

Pamlar · 28/10/2022 06:10

WindyHedges · 28/10/2022 01:34

Please don't feel bad. He's a dick.

Men like that count on the way women are socialised to be polite, and to feel shame, when a man is being rude and it's the man who's behaved shamefully.

I hope you stop beating yourself up. You are not naive; he behaved badly. Basically, he lied to you.

Agree.
He could've redeemed himself by apologising and refusing your offer to pay -or split it or something to show that he was sorry.

KatherineJaneway · 28/10/2022 06:38

As he paid for the hotel room, I would take that as an expectation of sex, despite any prior discussions, so I would have refused the meet up.

Tangerineartichoke · 28/10/2022 06:38

Well done for keeping your boundaries OP. Based on what you have said I would have thought the same as you. He said all the right things to get you there and you trusted you were on the same page. What a creep he turned out to be.

When I met my DH we were in different cities. He came to visit me. Booked a hotel with twin beds. In case I wanted to stay rather than get a taxi home. It was made clear that I was not expected to stay and he was not expecting sex. We went on picnics and did the usual date type things together. I did stay the night but we were in our own beds and he made no attempt to sleep with me until he visited a few more times. He always paid for the room.

Inasec24 · 28/10/2022 06:49

You did nothing wrong, he's an arsehole. Chalk it up, dust yourself off and move on.

CongratulationsBeautiful · 28/10/2022 06:51

OP, you've done nothing wrong here - you don't owe him anything. He was a sleaze, plain and simple. Even if you had gone with the express intention of sleeping with him you would have been fully entitled to change your mind at any point. Sorry that he made you feel this way but you have nothing to feel stupid about.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/10/2022 06:57

Total predator. And liar

I would have nothing to do with him ever again and tell any mutual friends why.

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