To think hotel booked does not equal sex?

[Hotelschmotell]

So I have someone I have known a long time who I have been speaking to now as we are both single, we live in different towns.

We have been speaking about meeting up for some dinner and something fun. We discussed him coming to me but it’s very very far for him however I am near his town for work sometime. Anyway, I was due to go down for work, I told him this. I was planning on doing a day trip as I usually do. He said he would like to see me so if he booked me a hotel would I meet him for dinner? I felt uncomfortable with this as although I have known him a long time, it feels almost like transactional. Anyway he said he would insist on paying as I wouldn’t stay if i wasn’t meeting him. He said don’t worry I don’t think I’m inviting myself in. So I let him book with the agreement I would pay for our dinner and activities

So I let him book the hotel. I worked all day, got to the hotel, met him. We had two drinks over dinner, he then started stroking my leg which I was uncomfortable with, i moved away twice and laughed it off. Then he started lowering his voice asking if I had sexy pyjamas back at the hotel and could I let him see them. I then said I’m not comfortable with this and I don’t do casual sex. He then said why would he book a hotel if he wasn’t going to get any?

I feel so stupid, I should have booked my own hotel but i thought if I paid for dinner we would be even. Does the fact he paid for the hotel really mean I would be okay for sex? I just feel really horrible. I paid for dinner, I also gave him the money for the hotel so I’m down a lot of money just to be touched up. He’s called me a couple of times but I just can’t

I agree, although given they sound like incels the daughter aspect is thankfully unlikely.

You did nothing wrong.

This is not the sort of thing I would coyly say no when I meant yes about so if he was playing some sort of game where you were meant to "change your mind" he was playing alone!

Sounds like a creep. Being hopefuL is one thing but expecting sex because he persuaded to stay late is creepy as fuck.

@Xaviera

Yes this. No one is suggesting it’s the OP’s fault. The man is a creep. But none the less, any bloke offering to pay for a hotel room would be viewed with suspicion by me.

It’s perfectly possible to put the blame firmly at his door, while suggesting to the OP that some behaviours are red flags to look out for in future.

Your lack of nuance is not helpful to either OP or broader conversations about women’s safety. It’s an endless feature of social media on all sorts of topics, it creates conflict where there is none, and distracts from the actual problem.

He can assume all he wants. He tried it on, op said no. That should be it. Be a man not a sleaze and maybe OP would have felt ready for a goodnight snog and sex next time. Be a sleaze not a man and OP isn't going to want to be anywhere alone with you again.

OK so you're getting well online, feel a spark and fancy sex with him. You say yes. You put on your sex undies. You wax your whatever. You get to dinner.

You don't feel IT
He's not as hot as he was
He's clearly not showered or cleaned his teeth
You get your period
You have a bowel reaction to your dinner
You actually just don't want to
Any or all of the above.

Now what? You have sex because you "should"? Offer to suck him or jerk him off as compensation? Lie there and let him fuck you anyway?

No one should be expected to have sex

They're not kids ffs and frankly I'd expect a kid old enough to have sex to understand what NO means

He can't be blamed for thinking this was going to result in sex. If not then, when?

He absolutely can be blamed for assuring OP that he didn't expect to be invited in when she initially expressed discomfort around him booking a room, then trying to pressure her once she was there. As for "if not then, when?", are you for real?? When OP is good and ready

Any chance he is an inexperienced good guy? If you like him as friend or potential more, do him a favour and make a joke of it, tell him how awful he made you feel and why etc

FFS. Why the hell should she "make a joke of it"??? I fail to see what's funny about a man assuring a woman there is no expectation of sex and then pressuring her once she's in a situation it's tricky to extricate herself from. Why should she "do him a favour" after the way she has been treated?? I am heartily sick of women falling over themselves to excuse the inappropriate behaviour of men.

Also, leaving aside the unforgivable manipulation and gaslighting, how can any man think that asking a woman if she has brought "sexy pyjamas" with her is a good chat up line? Utterly cringeworthy, even if I had been entertaining the idea of having sex with him my vagina would snap shut like a venus fly-trap on hearing that one!

So many men seem to suffer from professional deafness /chancing their arm! You made it clear to him that you were meeting up ,not a leg over .Problem is many men are chancers and dont want to take no for an answer.Just block and next time you meet someone make it in the day or book a single room in a different hotel .Just chalk it up to experience

What a creep! I would have thought like you, OP, that he wasn't expecting sex BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. You also tried to 'cancel out' the hotel by paying for dinner. It would be reasonable to assume that you were both spending money to facilitate (non-sexual) time to get to know each other.

Every pence you paid for this disastrous evening was money well spent. Now you know his true colours.

@Tangerineartichoke That is so lovely 😊 I think most women want to find a man like your DH.

@SleepingStandingUp Well said. I agree with you no one should be expected to have sex.

Even if you choose to share a bedroom , it doesn’t equal sex . You get to decide yes or no until it happens, even during you can change you mind .

When you’re first dating you can even share a bed if it feels right. The right kind of guy isn’t going to say he’s owed sex You’ve just met the wrong kind.