Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this hen party organiser is a CF

152 replies

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 14:34

Going to a hen weekend next month. There’s the usual costs of activities, drinks, meal, transport, accommodation etc. Also covering the hen’s costs between us. Fine with me, same as every hen do I’ve been on (and I’m old so there’s been quite a few!).

Whats not fine is that the chief bridesmaid has booked an additional spa day for the bride and has asked told us all to contribute £20 as our “share” each. This isn’t part of the hen weekend, it’s happening at a weekend closer to the wedding.

Everyone else has said what a lovely idea it is and has transferred their money 🙄. I’m not keen, I think it would have been polite to at least float the idea first before booking. I’d also never assume everyone has got a spare £20 they don’t need!

If I say I’m not paying I look like I’m being really awkward and they’ve divided the cost up now (apparently), so they’d have to ask everyone else for a bit more. But I’m also bloody annoyed it’s been booked with the assumption that we’ll all cough up.

AIBU to tell her she’s a CF?

OP posts:
PortalooSunset · 27/10/2022 19:19

I'd begrudgingly hand over the cash I think. But I'd also

PortalooSunset · 27/10/2022 19:20

Bloody phone 🙄
I'd also be making sure the spa day is booked in the name of the bride..

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 19:25

I think she'll probably present the bride with the gift on the hen do, from all of you. I can see why you're annoyed but it is a lovely gesture and very thoughtful. I'm sure the bride will love it. On top of everything else, it isn't a lot of extra money really and you could pay it instead of a wedding gift?

If the request came a little late, I wonder whether it's something the bride mentioned - 'I'm excited about the hen do, hope there's an opportunity for a spa day' - and the bf is trying to make everything perfect.

Puckthemagicdragon · 27/10/2022 19:30

Say you have already organised something special for the bride yourself. Then send the bride some lovely flowers or something.

fatgirlslimmer · 27/10/2022 19:39

If you’re going to send flowers or take her for a drink as previously suggested you may as well pay the £20 it will be cheaper. Good point upthread as to who is going to the spa with the bride.

Tag40 · 27/10/2022 19:50

Agree with others who have said hen do’s are getting too extravagant these days. When I had my hen do we all went for a curry in my local town & then just hit the pubs afterwards. It was a great fun night. Not too much for anyone & not too complicated. But in your case I disagree that the organiser is a CF. She is, after all, trying her best to do something nice. So just pay the £20, it’s really not that much. Don’t be “that person” who creates drama over something that isn’t worth getting dramatic about.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 19:54

I would not pay and would reply
’ I have a present already for the bride, has I known about the spa idea in advance I wouldn’t have organised something separately. Such a sweet idea, have fun’
Make a handmade bracelet for bride job done.
CB will take the full credit for the spa day despite everyone else paying for it!
Massively CF
Don’t pay.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 19:56

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 19:25

I think she'll probably present the bride with the gift on the hen do, from all of you. I can see why you're annoyed but it is a lovely gesture and very thoughtful. I'm sure the bride will love it. On top of everything else, it isn't a lot of extra money really and you could pay it instead of a wedding gift?

If the request came a little late, I wonder whether it's something the bride mentioned - 'I'm excited about the hen do, hope there's an opportunity for a spa day' - and the bf is trying to make everything perfect.

Fucking hell - how grabby!!
Perfect? Perfect for who??

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:03

"Fucking hell - how grabby!!
Perfect? Perfect for who??"

Most people buy a wedding gift and probably spend more than £20. I think it's a nice idea to give her a gift from the hens on the hen do. Unless bf is an awful person she is trying to do something nice for the bride and has floated this idea, which the others are happy with and I would be too.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 20:10

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:03

"Fucking hell - how grabby!!
Perfect? Perfect for who??"

Most people buy a wedding gift and probably spend more than £20. I think it's a nice idea to give her a gift from the hens on the hen do. Unless bf is an awful person she is trying to do something nice for the bride and has floated this idea, which the others are happy with and I would be too.

I disagree. The spa day is not in place of a wedding gift. The wedding gift will be extra, to given to the bride and groom.
Assuming the hens are paying for the whole hen do for the hen and themselves- there is now an expectation to buy an additional gift.

Then there is the wedding, outfits, costs, hotels possibly and gift.

It’s way too much to expect!!

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 20:11

She didn’t float the idea at all, she requested the money!

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:45

I don't feel she is being grabby or a cf as she is not benefitting from this herself. She is trying to do something nice for the bride, even if one of the party is angry about it.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 20:59

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 20:45

I don't feel she is being grabby or a cf as she is not benefitting from this herself. She is trying to do something nice for the bride, even if one of the party is angry about it.

Why does something nice for the bride mean more and more demands for money from other people? Why not make something for the bride? Or £5 to put together for some flowers or a keepsake? It’s just way way too much.
Especially at the moment with peoples costs escalating. It’s tone deaf.

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 21:07

Well yes, some people such as you and op will think like that. Some people, such as me and the other hens, wouldn't mind. It is difficult to get everything right when you are organising something, and sometimes you upset people without really meaning to. All I am saying is that she does not sound like an unkind person or a cf to me, just someone trying to do something nice and inadvertently upsetting one person in the party.

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/10/2022 21:18

It’s incredible to me that anyone can keep expecting others to pay out for everything. People have their own priorities, commitments. Maybe more in the party were thinking just the same as op but haven’t said anything.

Some people need to get with the programme and stop spending other peoples money - without even having the courtesy to ask them first!

Look after your friends - stop rinsing them for everything and appreciate there is more to other people’s lives than a wedding that isn’t theirs, and is probably one of many.

Cakecakecheese · 27/10/2022 21:32

As the OP doesn't know the bride's friends I do wonder of this is a pretty standard thing they do for each other so it didn't occur to the bridesmaid to check? Not that it excuses spending other people's money without checking with everyone first.

Iliveonahill · 27/10/2022 21:49

Going forward I think these extravagant hen weekends etc will change. I know I just don’t have the spare cash anymore now that my energy bill has shot up. The extra £200 I’m paying on my energy and fuel costs was my “treat” money - for paying for things like this.

DameHelena · 28/10/2022 15:36

donttellmehesalive · 27/10/2022 21:07

Well yes, some people such as you and op will think like that. Some people, such as me and the other hens, wouldn't mind. It is difficult to get everything right when you are organising something, and sometimes you upset people without really meaning to. All I am saying is that she does not sound like an unkind person or a cf to me, just someone trying to do something nice and inadvertently upsetting one person in the party.

I think a very basic tenet of getting things right when organising something is asking people before you go ahead and commit their time/money/efforts to things.
She may not have meant to upset or inconvenience the OP, but I'd expect a competent adult to have the common sense to realise that something like this might upset or inconvenience people.

donttellmehesalive · 28/10/2022 16:30

"She may not have meant to upset or inconvenience the OP, but I'd expect a competent adult to have the common sense to realise that something like this might upset or inconvenience people."

You're right. I guess she knew enough of them to know that they wouldn't mind, maybe ran it past a few of the others, maybe had lots of other things to organise and didn't give this the attention it deserved. I'm not saying it's ok just that I think some of the vitriol is a bit over the top for someone who hasn't handled things perfectly but probably has their heart in the right place. But I suppose mn isn't the place for people who don't want to be furious

DameHelena · 28/10/2022 17:03

donttellmehesalive · 28/10/2022 16:30

"She may not have meant to upset or inconvenience the OP, but I'd expect a competent adult to have the common sense to realise that something like this might upset or inconvenience people."

You're right. I guess she knew enough of them to know that they wouldn't mind, maybe ran it past a few of the others, maybe had lots of other things to organise and didn't give this the attention it deserved. I'm not saying it's ok just that I think some of the vitriol is a bit over the top for someone who hasn't handled things perfectly but probably has their heart in the right place. But I suppose mn isn't the place for people who don't want to be furious

I'm not furious, personally, I just think people can and should think a bit better than this woman seems to have.

santastolemycat · 28/10/2022 17:05

I’d pay the £20 but take £20 off the wedding present present budget.

donttellmehesalive · 28/10/2022 17:36

"I'm not furious, personally, I just think people can and should think a bit better than this woman seems to have."

I agree. A perfectly measured response to a kind person making a single thoughtless decision.

donttellmehesalive · 28/10/2022 17:38

santastolemycat · 28/10/2022 17:05

I’d pay the £20 but take £20 off the wedding present present budget.

That's a good idea too. A response that doesn't leave you out of pocket or frothing about the injustice.

RampantIvy · 28/10/2022 17:50

santastolemycat · 28/10/2022 17:05

I’d pay the £20 but take £20 off the wedding present present budget.

I econd that as a good idea.

cherish123 · 28/10/2022 18:25

Very cheeky. I also think the hen should be paying for their own hen weekend.