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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this hen party organiser is a CF

152 replies

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 14:34

Going to a hen weekend next month. There’s the usual costs of activities, drinks, meal, transport, accommodation etc. Also covering the hen’s costs between us. Fine with me, same as every hen do I’ve been on (and I’m old so there’s been quite a few!).

Whats not fine is that the chief bridesmaid has booked an additional spa day for the bride and has asked told us all to contribute £20 as our “share” each. This isn’t part of the hen weekend, it’s happening at a weekend closer to the wedding.

Everyone else has said what a lovely idea it is and has transferred their money 🙄. I’m not keen, I think it would have been polite to at least float the idea first before booking. I’d also never assume everyone has got a spare £20 they don’t need!

If I say I’m not paying I look like I’m being really awkward and they’ve divided the cost up now (apparently), so they’d have to ask everyone else for a bit more. But I’m also bloody annoyed it’s been booked with the assumption that we’ll all cough up.

AIBU to tell her she’s a CF?

OP posts:
MRSE20 · 27/10/2022 14:58

I was thinking of this, but everyone else has said how lovely it is and not questioned it. She’s an ex colleague and I don’t know any of them, so I’m reluctant to make the weekend awkward

Ohh yeah that is extra tricky. I’d pay the £20 and make sure you don’t pay anything else

Madagascary · 27/10/2022 14:59

Just forget to pay

Original poster
AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 15:00

Madagascary · 27/10/2022 14:59

Just forget to pay

Might try that to start with 😂

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2022 15:02

You are on the front line. Every stupid, excessive, ridiculous thing becomes 'everyone does it' soon. Hold the line and refuse or every bloody wedding from now on will include a pamper day as well.

mindutopia · 27/10/2022 15:04

I think it's actually quite a nice gesture. I would have loved a quiet spa day before my wedding (actually, I did love one, though I paid for it myself). My maid of honour (I only had the one, and to be fair, my hen do was an afternoon BBQ) bought me a really thoughtful gift for my wedding, which certainly cost her more than £20. It wasn't at all expected, but it was a very thoughtful thing to do. In the grand scheme of things, I'd happily contribute £20 if it was something I knew my friend would really enjoy, and I'd just give a simpler gift for the wedding.

Aishah231 · 27/10/2022 15:04

I'd make sure the bride knows the present is from all of you!

TheOrigRights · 27/10/2022 15:08

BlackberryCat · 27/10/2022 14:42

Id pay but I think it might be time to mention that you’re not paying for anything else now. Because I’m guessing there will be more and more she expects you all to chip in for.

This. A private message to the CF asking that you are asked IN ADVANCE if she believes there will be more expenses.

I doubt you are the only one internally irritated.

Lakeyloo · 27/10/2022 15:11

YANBU... If the chief BM wants to arrange another surprise for the bride (who is probably her best friend, and Chief BM is probably going to accompany her on said spa day?) she should be doing it as a special gift from herself.

ineedastrongercoffee · 27/10/2022 15:11

Totally misses the point but why the hell should a "Hen" not pay??? It's total madness

DrManhattan · 27/10/2022 15:16

I think you are totally right and I wouldn't want to pay this on principle but I think you should just to keep the peace. Write it off to experience and ask that person to check with you first in future. Can you cut back £20 elsewhere? On the wedding present for example lol

Original poster
AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 15:17

ineedastrongercoffee · 27/10/2022 15:11

Totally misses the point but why the hell should a "Hen" not pay??? It's total madness

This does seem to be tradition in recent years. I expected to pay a few quid towards her costs for the weekend, but this one took me by surprise.

Might have to nip in the bud early though, or I might be coughing up for drinks all weekend too!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 15:18

Lakeyloo · 27/10/2022 15:11

YANBU... If the chief BM wants to arrange another surprise for the bride (who is probably her best friend, and Chief BM is probably going to accompany her on said spa day?) she should be doing it as a special gift from herself.

I know. I’m also aware that CF is pretty minted. She seems to assume no one else would mind the extra expense

OP posts:
TheTeddyBears · 27/10/2022 15:20

Ive heard it on here about paying for the bride but I haven't in real life. Maybe its norm dependant on where u are. My own hen do I paid like everyone else and as far as I'm aware it's been the same for any I've been to. Unless they just never said it was including paying for the bride.

That's so cheeky to assume everyone can afford an extra £20. U shld def reply back and say u will pay it as everyone else has but u really cannot afford for anything else to be added on.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 27/10/2022 15:22

Suspect you knew you were preaching to the choir here op. Mumsnet hates weddings and the thought of spending 2o quid on a gift for the bride will have many choking in their afternoon biccie 😀

EndlessMagpies · 27/10/2022 15:23

You are not being unreasonable to expect that someone spending your money should have actually asked you first.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 27/10/2022 15:25

Definitely cf. Tbh I think paying for the hen is ott also, I was brought drinks on my hen do, but certainly paid my own way. The actual wedding is expensive enough, guests are supposed to buy a wedding gift, pay for a wedding outfit, loose a days wages, pay for a hotel or taxi on the day. Expecting friends to chipping in for a hen do, which let's face it isn't at the local nightclub any more, plus an extra spa day too is just self indulgence.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 15:27

I'd honestly just keep quiet and pay it.

For hen do's/parties - I always/always do allocated an extra bit of money in case there were extras I needed to pay.

Swissnotswiss · 27/10/2022 15:27

You could always write a passive agressive response..."oh, I cant remember when we discussed paying for this - could you remind me?" And see what she says!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 27/10/2022 15:27

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 27/10/2022 15:22

Suspect you knew you were preaching to the choir here op. Mumsnet hates weddings and the thought of spending 2o quid on a gift for the bride will have many choking in their afternoon biccie 😀

"Mumsnet", if its a collective, loves a good wedding, they just hate a grabber, especially if the gift list has already done the circuit.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 15:28

ineedastrongercoffee · 27/10/2022 15:11

Totally misses the point but why the hell should a "Hen" not pay??? It's total madness

It's always seen as a 'treat' for her. Some people ask the hen to pay, some don't. Madness really as some hens are loaded, some not.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 15:29

Thing is OP, if you complain the chief bridesmaid and maybe some other guests may think you're being stroppy/mean etc even though you're not...

bewarethetides · 27/10/2022 15:30

I actually wouldn't pay it. You're helping pay for her hen weekend; if CF wants her to have an additional spa day where others pay for the bride, she should have asked or pay for it herself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2022 15:30

Everyone else has said how lovely it is and not questioned it. She’s an ex colleague and I don’t know any of them, so I’m reluctant to make the weekend awkward ... I’m also aware that CF is pretty minted. She seems to assume no one else would mind the extra expense

With the extra context I'm afraid I'd pull out altogether unless you've remained very close with the ex colleague

You could try saying this'll be the last amount you'll be paying, but frankly I doubt it would work - once this sort of thing starts there's often no end to it and the "extras" just keep coming, so maybe it would be simpler to just knock it on the head now?

Scout2016 · 27/10/2022 15:32

Is this as well as a wedding present?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 15:40

Bit of a drip feed if you've posted she's an ex colleague and you don't know the friends that well.

I thought you were closer friends to the bride!