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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this hen party organiser is a CF

152 replies

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 14:34

Going to a hen weekend next month. There’s the usual costs of activities, drinks, meal, transport, accommodation etc. Also covering the hen’s costs between us. Fine with me, same as every hen do I’ve been on (and I’m old so there’s been quite a few!).

Whats not fine is that the chief bridesmaid has booked an additional spa day for the bride and has asked told us all to contribute £20 as our “share” each. This isn’t part of the hen weekend, it’s happening at a weekend closer to the wedding.

Everyone else has said what a lovely idea it is and has transferred their money 🙄. I’m not keen, I think it would have been polite to at least float the idea first before booking. I’d also never assume everyone has got a spare £20 they don’t need!

If I say I’m not paying I look like I’m being really awkward and they’ve divided the cost up now (apparently), so they’d have to ask everyone else for a bit more. But I’m also bloody annoyed it’s been booked with the assumption that we’ll all cough up.

AIBU to tell her she’s a CF?

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 15:45

WTF. You are going on an all encompassing Hen Do, and you now can't find 20 quid to pay for the hens spa? Jesus. I don't think you should quibble about that.

TheOrigRights · 27/10/2022 15:47

Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 15:45

WTF. You are going on an all encompassing Hen Do, and you now can't find 20 quid to pay for the hens spa? Jesus. I don't think you should quibble about that.

I think it's the principal of the matter. It's polite to consult someone before you ask them for (more) money.

DameHelena · 27/10/2022 15:48

I'd email 'I don't have this extra £20; haven't budgeted for it, although I could have done if the idea had been floated before committing to it. Cheers, Annoyed.'
The CF may realise what a CF she's being and quietly pay your share herself.
Or, if she tells the others, fuck it – I think not knowing them that well makes it less awkward as you don't need to care what they think.

PurplePixies · 27/10/2022 15:48

Hen do’s are getting more ridiculous these days. A meal or a few drinks in the pub should surely be adequate, as it was for me when I got married 9 years ago.

I definitely wouldn’t be contributing an extra twenty quid to an event I’m not invited to and I’d tell CF bridesmaid, she can stop putting her hand in my purse and helping herself to my money, which is effectively what’s she’s trying to do.

I can’t believe the wimps on here who pay up because they’re too embarrassed to stand up for themselves. I sincerely hope you don’t have kids because what the hell are you teaching them??

PankhurstismySuffregette · 27/10/2022 15:50

Don’t kick off. Just keep forgetting to pay.

Wetblanket78 · 27/10/2022 15:54

If that's your gift to her as long as it is just for her I would pay it and say that's your gift to her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2022 15:56

Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 15:45

WTF. You are going on an all encompassing Hen Do, and you now can't find 20 quid to pay for the hens spa? Jesus. I don't think you should quibble about that.

WTF you found the money for the spa, and you can't find 20 quid to pay for the groom's tires on his wedding car? Or some other completely random, unrelated thing. Why is this a thing?

fatgirlslimmer · 27/10/2022 15:56

I was recently that person who refused to pay the extra £20. All of the extra £20 for this and £15 for that were just adding up. We had paid hundreds for an overnighter, and we had a great time.

We paid even more for the wedding accommodation as it was a full weekend.

But it was same scenario the chief bridesmaid wanted an extra treat for the bride, nothing to do with the hen do she booked it, split the cost and asked us to pay. I said no, I sent a private message to her and said I wasn't commenting on the group WhatsApp but I'm not paying, you can charge everyone else more or you can cover the cost yourself saying as it's only £20 and she's your best friend. She covered the cost.

latetothefisting · 27/10/2022 16:10

Depends - I'd be annoyed too and feel that on principle I shouldn't pay. However yeah in real life I'd be the same as you in that I wouldn't want the awkwardness for the sake of twenty quid. So I'd probably pay up but be annoyed. But that's how these cheeky fuckers get away with it - by increasing the costs by small increments and bargaining on everyone feeling too awkward to say no!

I would also be a bit sceptical that all these 20 quids are needed to pay for just the bride and would wonder if maid of honour or whoever might either be getting a discount or a buy one get one free etc....!

Maybe try to make yourself feel better by thinking at least the spa day isn't part of the hen - then you'd still be paying brides 20 quid plus would have to find 100 or more (seeing as so many of you have been asked to pay 20 I'm assuming it's a pretty expensive spa!) to pay fir yourself. And would also have to go on a spa day (im not a fan!) ! So actually 20 quid to save all that seems quite a good deal!

Original poster

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 16:11

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 15:40

Bit of a drip feed if you've posted she's an ex colleague and you don't know the friends that well.

I thought you were closer friends to the bride!

Was more to give context than to drip feed. She’s a good friend, we met through work. I just don’t know anyone else involved in the hen party.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 16:13

fatgirlslimmer · 27/10/2022 15:56

I was recently that person who refused to pay the extra £20. All of the extra £20 for this and £15 for that were just adding up. We had paid hundreds for an overnighter, and we had a great time.

We paid even more for the wedding accommodation as it was a full weekend.

Interesting, I wish I had your courage!!
It does sound like the costs could have mounted had you not put your foot down early doors

OP posts:

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/10/2022 16:14

AnnoyedHenAttendee · 27/10/2022 16:11

Was more to give context than to drip feed. She’s a good friend, we met through work. I just don’t know anyone else involved in the hen party.

Show quote history

Ahhh....

I still think you should just pay and not say too much. I kind of get where you're coming from but it can be so easy as I said before to look like the moany one, if you're the only one saying no! I do think chief BM should've asked people though, to be polite.

Burgoo · 27/10/2022 16:16

Either way there will be a consequence:

if you don't pay it, it may mean that you are shunned or seen as "that person"
if you do pay it, you may have the annoyance niggling away at you for a while

Depends on whether you value self-respect and being treated reasonably over having an easy life. If you want the easy life, give the money and be done with it. If you want to maintain your self-respect then maybe push back. Though either way its a bit crap.

GoldenCupidon · 27/10/2022 16:19

I've had a similar situation before - not a hen do but a wedding where a whole group of us had already paid a lot for the travel, accom, presents, clothes etc etc. One of the decided it would be "nice" to do an extra thing for the bride, booked and paid for it and then demanded £20 each from the rest of us. I just said something along the lines of "Aw that's really nice of you, sorry I can't afford to chip in."

On the plus side OP, if you don't know them, it doesn't matter if they're annoyed!

pantsville · 27/10/2022 16:23

The group members who come up with these bright ideas tend to make you feel awkward saying no even when they do ask before committing to the purchase.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2022 16:29

Agree, if I were the bride I'd be mortified to learn that friends had been strong armed into contributing to my spa day.

Does the bride know about this though?

GoldenCupidon · 27/10/2022 16:30

pantsville · 27/10/2022 16:23

The group members who come up with these bright ideas tend to make you feel awkward saying no even when they do ask before committing to the purchase.

I do think some people just find it very very easy to be generous with other people's money.

nova99 · 27/10/2022 16:30

Just want to add, I was in a similar position except this hen do was a holiday abroad, followed by drinks and a night and restaurant in a city at home.
I told them point blank I couldn't afford it, and they sat there and drew up a payment plan that was like £50 a month and then questioned why I couldn't do that.
It was horrible. I thought they were friends, I met them through the bride but still.
None of them speak to me anymore, I was seen as 'the mean one' who couldn't even put aside money each month for her best friend. The bride still speaks to me though.
They all came to my wedding which was a couple of years later but I wasn't invited to theirs.
It all stems from that hen do and not paying for the extras.

Can we just abolish them all

So in all honesty, just pay the £20 and state what someone said upthread about letting you know for any future costs.

AlmostOver22 · 27/10/2022 16:30

cannot Believe the level of madness surrounding weddings… I hate the whole culture of it. I went to a wedding abroad and booked the room through the bride. When I got there discovered the true cost of the room was way lower than what we’d paid - yep, the happy couple used their guests to subsidise the wedding

GoldenCupidon · 27/10/2022 16:31

GoldenCupidon · 27/10/2022 16:30

I do think some people just find it very very easy to be generous with other people's money.

Show quote history

By which I mean - if you're the "organiser" of the spa day for example, you're probably the one who gets most of the credit and thanks. So you're essentially getting e.g. £140 worth of appreciation while only chipping in £20.

Bitterbean · 27/10/2022 16:32

As it's only the once, I would probably just pay and not say any more about it and just feel secretly annoyed. You want to be able to enjoy the event, not feel self-conscious about being the difficult one etc. But if the cf chief bridesmaid asks for anything else, I'd private message her and say no and explain why.

Ihatemyroad · 27/10/2022 16:35

The £20 will be the least of your money worries after the hen weekend! Every hen weekend I’ve ever been on I’ve vowed that will be the last! Always costs more than budgeted for. Never as much fun as anticipated. Large groups always seem to split in to different groups, often there’s bitching involved.

I would pay the £20 and say nothing otherwise you will probably be the focus of the conversation!

Hungoverandashamed · 27/10/2022 16:41

I had something similar at my last wedding, a group of us in WhatsApp who used to be close friends wondering should we give a group wedding gift or all give cash separately - we are Irish btw and 100 in a card is pretty standard per guest.

Everyone in the group had been to each other's weddings previously. We were talking about a travel voucher, 200 per couple when one of the women said "shouldn't we give more than that? At my wedding 100 per guest was the VERY least anyone gave."

Nobody answered for ages. I was seething. I wanted to respond something really sarcastic about only giving her 100 to attend her event. She is (of course) absolutely loaded, her husband is an extremely high earner but ironically she got married in one of the cheapest venues in Ireland (I discovered when I was doing my own wedding research) - it didn't matter as we all had an absolute ball - and would have likely made a profit.

Thankfully someone else responded that she didn't want to pay anymore given she has multiple other events that month.

It left a very sour taste in my mouth.

cheshiredog · 27/10/2022 16:46

Say thank you for giving you the opportunity to pay for the spa day, which you think is lovely, but you’ve already organised for a bit of something yourself, so you won’t be paying. Then just take the bride out for a drink a couple of weekends before and you have a drink too xx

WombatChocolate · 27/10/2022 16:51

Sadly, this kind of thing is par for the course with Hen Dos. Extras keep being added ahead of time or worse still during the night or weekend.
Unless someone is a very good friend or it’s a very limited event and commitment I tend to decline.

In this instance, I’d email the organiser and thank her for all her work on the weekend. Say that you need to keep control of your budget for the weekend and have factored in the costs already mentioned. Say you’d have appreciated being asked about the spa day before it was booked, and although it’s not a cost you really would have opted into (despite it being a lovely idea) you will pay the £20 but hope you understand that you won’t be able to contribute for any other extras that people might dream up. Finish by cheerily saying you’re really looking forward to it and thanking her again.

In the wider scheme if things, if £20 unexpected spend is what happens, it’s not too bad. By communicating you hopefully make your point clearly and avoid further extras, without refusing to pay.

One one level you’re a but naïeve not to see this coming. The more hen dos with poor planning and spiralling costs you attend, the more you recognise that these things often happen and either decline or pin your colours to the mast at the start. Never commit to open-ended full weekends. Opt for specific activities which have specific prices attached to them, especially with someone you don’t know that well. Be clear from the start that you have some other stuff going on that weekend and will join for part of it and only commit to certain aspects once prices are known. Be really clear with the organiser about that and make sure you’ve put it in an email. If they then later start requesting chunks of money for further things, you can simply say, that you said up front what you could and couldn’t be involved with.

And to people on here who are chief bridesmaids and organising hen-dos, bloody keep it simple, within upfront named price parameters and make sure you get money from people upfront, so you aren’t the one writing a thread about people dropping out at the last minute and leaving you with a big bill….which is the other common thread. Recognise that things that cost multiple hundreds if pounds could be a whole family holiday for some people and offering something where people can join for part of the event and pay for a meal or an activity makes it more accessible to more people - and that’s more important than providing an extremely luxurious event that really only 2 people can afford or want to spend the cash on.

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