To think this hen party organiser is a CF

[AnnoyedHenAttendee]

Going to a hen weekend next month. There’s the usual costs of activities, drinks, meal, transport, accommodation etc. Also covering the hen’s costs between us. Fine with me, same as every hen do I’ve been on (and I’m old so there’s been quite a few!).

Whats not fine is that the chief bridesmaid has booked an additional spa day for the bride and has asked told us all to contribute £20 as our “share” each. This isn’t part of the hen weekend, it’s happening at a weekend closer to the wedding.

Everyone else has said what a lovely idea it is and has transferred their money 🙄. I’m not keen, I think it would have been polite to at least float the idea first before booking. I’d also never assume everyone has got a spare £20 they don’t need!

If I say I’m not paying I look like I’m being really awkward and they’ve divided the cost up now (apparently), so they’d have to ask everyone else for a bit more. But I’m also bloody annoyed it’s been booked with the assumption that we’ll all cough up.

AIBU to tell her she’s a CF?

Yes, the other response is the same one you can give to anyone organising a group gift you don’t want to get involved witch ‘Thanks for the offer to join the group gift of a spa day. I’ve already planned and bought my own individual treat for the bride, so won’t be joining this group gift.’

"Sorry, I didn't know anything about this, so I haven't budgeted for it and therefore won't be able to contribute."

Absolutely msg her and say this. Why wouldn’t you? Without gaining a backbone you’ll just be spending money you don’t want to (or have even!). You don’t know her or the other hens that well so what’s the problem? If you don’t say anything and you just pay it then it’s your own fault really

It’s so inconsiderate but I’d also just pay it. I don’t think it’s mean or negative to pay and then mention that you’re budgeting and would appreciate any further spending be agreed beforehand.

It’s sad to read stories about friendships ruined because of stupid hen dos.

I think I'd pay the £20 OP, but gently make it clear you're not able to contribute to anything else - at least not without being asked in advance.

I'm well up for spoiling the bride with a nice dinner and drinks, but much beyond that feels ott to me and can cause people some real pain and embarrassment as expenses tot up.
One friend started out with a night out in Brighton, but then when we were all there said that it was just her pre-hen party and asked if we'd all be okay with her booking a trip to Ibiza! She said she'd organise it if we all PayPal'd her the money and it probably wouldn't be more than £500 each. It felt horrible saying no but she was asking too much.

The person organising this hen do will probably find that by organising something she hasn’t consulted the group on, more than 1 person chooses not to join in contributing. It’s a mistake to commit to something on behalf of a group without checking first, as you often end up footing a big chunk of the bill yourself. When organiser start just telling the group to pay their share, its because they’ve committed to something and are suddenly worried about being left with the bill……but they shouldn’t commit without checking first. They do bear the risk of people not being willing to pay, and they have to expect that.

It wasn't really early doors we had already had extra cocktails here, extra session there, extra something in the hotel room etc.

It wasn't courage but by messaging her directly I took it away from the group where everyone feels obliged to say oh yeh she will love that and it's hard to be the one to say not me. I didn't pretend I had paid, I left it to her to resolve it.

"Can I pay you after I get paid?"

I’ve found the worse head bridesmaids are ones who also have a wedding coming up. They go all out because they want that treatment too.

I hate the whole entitlement that goes with stag and hen dos! They cost a fortune for some of them.

a night out costing about £50? Sure. But some DH and I have been or been invited to have cost up to £500 for a weekend plus spends. So glad that’s most of our circle married now.

donr mind baby showers too much: about £30 for afternoon tea and a wee gift is fine

Nowadays the hen weekends/nights/treats etc all seem very grabby and tasteless.

Paying the £20 then messaging bridesmaid to ask for advance warning in future is the worst of both worlds imo. That way you have both paid the £20 AND risked looking awkward /feeling awkward on the night, because what you are really saying by sending that text is that you don't like being asked for the money and the request is cheeky. So either pay it and say nothing, or don't pay and send a message to say why.

I’d say something like, ‘I’ll pay this time, but next time can you float any extras past us before booking them. I’m on a budget so while a want to give Ermintrude the hen weekend of her life, I’m getting a bit anxious about the escalating costs’.

Or "Can I pay after I get paid, but I am unable to contribute towards anything else"

This

This is good.

How many different gifts, events, accolades etc. does one bride need? JFC.

Pay for the sake of peace, but buy her a smaller wedding present instead.

OP, you say you are "old" and you have therefore been on loads of hen nights. If you are "old" (i.e. more than about 25), why the hell is anyone doing this at all? Hen parties are on a par with baby showers as "completely shit ideas which serve no purpose at all other than to make someone feel bad at some point". Surely mature adults don't actually do this?

I would personally find a pressing engagement which meant I couldn't go at all. But if the choice were "go or shag Boris Johnson", I'd go down the 'private message' route and just say you have already paid quite enough, thanks, and are not in a position to pay any more.

"pre-hen party" ????

Now I've heard everything.

This.

Absolutely this.

I’m in my 40s, bride is late 30s. Sadly very much over 25, so far too old to be shagging Boris Johnson as an alternative 😂

Sadly very much over 25, so far too old to be shagging Boris Johnson as an alternative

I like your style, OP.

I doubt the bride is going on a spa day alone, so who else are you paying for?

I’d be really annoyed too but I’d probably keep quiet and pay.