Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

@TigerLilly33 you’re right to be concerned and I’d definitely sound people out first. Personally I’d love to go to something like this but I’d probably say no because of financial uncertainty.

If people don’t know each other it could be tricky, they might gel really well but if they don’t or there is one abrasive character it’s going to be expensive torture. I also think that £170 is just the start and as others have said, there will be a lot of additional costs for people. I’ve been in a situation where I could just about afford the basic cost but found myself among people who could afford a lot more so brought expensive food and wine and then expected contributions etc etc. Anyone worried is going to either say no now because of that sort of concern or they’re going to cry off closer to the event.

The other issue is that if you rent a big house you become the host and you may well find you end up catering for people, cleaning up etc etc, dealing with breakages etc, oh and paying for the people who say “yes we’d love to” then cancel a few days before for genuine reasons or because they have realised what it’s going to cost.

why not book a restaurant and see all your friends that way. If the ones who haven’t met can’t stand each other they haven’t got to share a bathroom!

Seriously this is a terrible idea. Why on earth would people who don't know each other want to pay £170 per person to go away together?

It may be a nice idea for the two of you but you have gotten carried away and your friend has lost perspective.

It might be different if you had a close group of mutual friends that would want to celebrate with both of you, but given the circumstances if people aren't put off by the cost they will probably be put off by the overly large and random group. Plus it's not just £170 is it, it's the expectations of dinners and drinks and activities on top (so is likely to be at least double that, likely more)

If you desperately want to go away together for your 40th then go back to the original plan, otherwise celebrate your birthdays with your own friendship groups and don't put your friends in the difficult position of saying no

why did you take the time out of your day to comment this…

No. Its too cheeky.

I've done stuff like this and had great fun!

It's not cheeky, people don't have to go. Find out who will say yes and get a good group together

I think the fact you are uncomfortable with the idea is enough to put a stop to it. It’s also YOUR 40th not just your best friends.
I think that £170 is too much to ask right now. I think if it is something you both really really wanted to do, then a harmless text to everyone to see who would be up for it isn’t unreasonable. You’re not unreasonable to ask, just unreasonable to expect people to say yes or be upset if people say yes. I would say maybe just go away the 4 of you as planned - far less stress xx

I’d come and I’m going to a weekend away next year for someone’s birthday too.

People don’t have to go and can say no.

for example it wouldn’t upset me if a friend text me and asked me to go to her 30th but it was £170 to attend, I’d decline and say we should do something another time. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for them to ask me. It would just be rude if they called me a bad friend for not going

I would pay that for a friends 40th. I paid a lot more for a friends 40th where we all travelled to Ibiza

£170 for a fantastic weekend sounds great

Just ask your friends how many of them would be up for it and a rough idea of costs. We have regular girls holidays but we don't book anything until we have confirmation people want to come and are happy with the budget. There's been things I've not gone to because of cost/family commitments.

This...

We were invited to a big zero birthday.... We were invited as guests...

Fine if I wanted to go to the place and we were intending holiday as a group with birthday tagged on.

John's birthday weekend in UK... Your share is £600- nope.

The birthday girl insisted on paying for the rental for all 16 of her guests.

We had a fab tine. We all took lashings of food/drink.

No way could I have gone if was £600

Even if friends can afford it that is £170 that they are spending on this, somewhat by force to keep the peace, when that would a have been a few meals out with their partner of pizza nights with the kids. It is putting a lot of pressure on other people's budgets. I think you are a lovely person OP for instinctively realising this is wrong. I hope you and your friend enjoy a lovely weekend with your partners.

I'm sorry you have had some unpleasant responses @TigerLilly33

and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

They won't. They will just decline. I can think of nothing worse than joining a house party of 7 other couples, half of whom I won't even know.

Just tell your friend that it isn't what you want to do for your birthday.

I had a similar idea for my 50th but I was absolutely clear that there was no expectation for people to come when I mooted the idea. I just knew everyone I invited would love it and my birthday also falls on a bank holiday so they’d probably be looking to do something anyway. One family dropped out (totally fair) but the rest were really up for it.

However once I looked into it the cost per head was really expensive so I ditched the plan. Luckily one of the remaining couples lives in a huge place in Belgium* and has suggested we all go over to them for the bank holiday - it has worked out so much cheaper as it’s just Eurostar to pay now which isn’t too bad in advance and it feels more like a holiday for everyone. Everyone is still very keen.

So I wouldn’t say you’re being unreasonable as long as no one feels pressured into it, if they’re good enough friends that you know they would be comfortable to say something if it was too much and you are willing to think again on a compromise if there isn’t much enthusiasm.

*they had been planning to come over for my birthday anyway

Forgot to say that all parties in my group know each other really well which makes a difference.

Good one OP (although this is Mumsnet...).

I know you said you're done, and I haven't read the whole thread... but I did this for my 40th last year. I really wanted a weekend with my friends and families. I was so anxious about asking people to pay and nervous about all you said! I was the you... but we found a cheap enough barn that had loads of bedrooms, most in bunk beds each room is kind of dorm like, but each family had their own space. 2 single friends also had their own room. We were in a position to subsidise it a bit. So we asked for a£30 per person for the weekend (families spent 120/150) I said we'd do food, brought pizza for Friday night, bbq Saturday and jackets and chili for Sunday. Asked everyone to bring their own breakfast and lunch. We brought some booze, they brought more. I bought a massive cake, the brought desserts.

It was brilliant! We had a the best time ever, nobody felt they couldn't come, we sorted the food, everyone genuinely seemed to love it, and I got to hang out with old uni friends, new parenting friends and some others along they way. Nobody knew everyone, but everyone knew someone other than me. If you want a big weekend not a party, it can work. If not... don't!

This is how we do "big" birthdays in our friendship group, but there is no three line whip.

Things I've learnt over numerous 30th, 40th, 50th & 60

I can never understand people who expect others to pay to celebrate their own selves. I can't wrap my head around the obvious self-absorbed manner of it. I'm with you, OP.

regarded as true friends

So what happens if someone can't make it or simply doesn't want to go? Will they no longer be regarded as 'true friends'?

This.

Yep my neighbour in her 60's uses this term, it's cringe!