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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

377 replies

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

OP posts:
Rainraingoaway21 · 26/10/2022 12:55

@bringincrazyback of course they would be. 'True friends' understand either way.

Some ridiculous over the top replies on here OP.

MrsArrDee · 26/10/2022 12:56

MrsArrDee · 26/10/2022 12:46

This is how we do "big" birthdays in our friendship group, but there is no three line whip.

Things I've learnt over numerous 30th, 40th, 50th & 60

[fat fingers and a new phone!]
Birthdays:

  1. It will cost at least double your price per person...Food, alcohol, travel, gifts etc etc.

  2. Draw straws for the best rooms, first come first served isn't always fair.

  3. You're setting a precedent. If this becomes the norm, it is going to cost you a lot.

  4. Go away with people you know well. If Bob doesn't like Sue, then you're not going to relax. Chris might not lift a finger, whereas Steve may be constantly washing up.

  5. It's more stressful than you think.

Devoutspoken · 26/10/2022 12:58

But on the positive side, great fun!

MzHz · 26/10/2022 12:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2022 09:35

I would say no, because we can’t afford it at the moment.

I’d say no because it sounds like a crap idea. My idea of hell. But that’s possibly because the whole bestie word at 40 sounds totally vacuous and lame.

luckylavender · 26/10/2022 12:59

It's a no from me. I would hate to be put in this position. It's your birthday. Celebrate by throwing a party / treating your friends but don't force this.

Dreamingcats · 26/10/2022 13:00

I'd go if it was a 40th for all my school group of friends to celebrate together.

I wouldn't go if I only knew half the guests, unless it was a place I was desperate to visit.

I'd put out feelers to see if people would really be up for it. But be prepared for people to say yes but drop out later, just like with destination hen dos.

lamaze1 · 26/10/2022 13:00

Are you and your friend also proposing to pay £170 too? Really if you're putting something on, you should both either pay for it or a substantial part of it. If you are going down the route of asking people to pay then will you be providing the drinks and alcohol or is that extra. If your friends are paying anything then you should both make clear that no presents are required imo.

Tulipomania · 26/10/2022 13:03

Put the feelers out by all means, but don't be offended if some people aren't keen.

I would be happy to be invited to such a weekend, but very much depending on who else was going and where it was.

SkylightSkylight · 26/10/2022 13:10

TheCatterall · 26/10/2022 11:37

It is something our group of friends (11-13 folks) do. For big birthdays we’ll arrange a get together or share the cost of staying somewhere.

we take turns cooking, or bring the cheese course/pie and peas etc. we all chip in to the cost of a big fancy dinner cooked by my chap we gets all the ingredients (normally works out at under £10 each).

it’s fabulous. If that’s what folks want.

run the idea by your friends.

if they are interested super.

if not. Just the 4 of you go.

@TheCatterall You're my type of friend! Some of the posts on here are just plain nasty. It's not hard to see how a lot of MNers have friendship problems.

EmmaDilemma5 · 26/10/2022 13:16

Maybe I'm a bit of a humbug, but whilst I can afford that, I'd not want to go away with 16 people. It's too much. Likely you'd be arranging activities that some like, others don't. Would everyone know/like each other?

A group holiday of that size just isn't my bag.

Personally I'd keep it to the 4 of you. That way, you're all genuinely having a good time with much less stress.

Organising a holiday for 16 people sounds like a headache I'd rather avoid.

antelopevalley · 26/10/2022 13:23

A holiday with 16 people sounds brilliant. I love get aways like this. Largest I ever went on was 22 people.

Tiredalwaystired · 26/10/2022 13:25

Basecamp · 26/10/2022 12:50

Yep my neighbour in her 60's uses this term, it's cringe!

Show quote history

I feel the same about the word cringe as a stand-alone statement as you do about bestie 😂

honeylulu · 26/10/2022 13:25

Our group of friends do this from time to time for big birthdays etc. There isn't a big disparity in income so it's affordable. If there was it would be more divisive I agree.

However I will add that me and H rarely go unless it's a kids welcome affair. We had/have no grandparents willing or able to help. My mum did once but wasn't keen so I didn't ask again. On another occasion the birthday person suggested a compromise so people who had to bring kids could stay in a nearby location - not in the party house - so we could meet up for meals and walks. That worked really well although we only went for one night.

There's always a bit of disappointment when I say we won't come and others end up being invited from a reserve list, then moaning that some of their favourite people were missing and the dynamic was a bit off. But if you do something costly or logistically challenging, that is a risk.

I think it's fine to suggest though. But you need to be fine that it might not be possible for everyone.

bringincrazyback · 26/10/2022 13:32

Rainraingoaway21 · 26/10/2022 12:55

@bringincrazyback of course they would be. 'True friends' understand either way.

Some ridiculous over the top replies on here OP.

Sounds like your life experiences differ from mine, then. I've had people I thought were true friends cut contact with me because I apparently 'couldn't be bothered' to spend hundreds of pounds on someone's milestone birthday at a time when I was self-employed and earning peanuts. And that friend started out saying there was no pressure too. You can't assume everyone else's experiences have been/will be the same as your own.

Rinatinabina · 26/10/2022 13:36

I would decline and I can afford it, it shouldn’t cost people loads to go to your birthday.

Folklore9074 · 26/10/2022 13:42

Not sure what the big deal is here or why the OP got so much grief.

Ultimately you can ask people if they want to do this and they are free to say no for whatever reason. Then the birthday girl can use that as a basis to plan. Before you have confirmed numbers its all a bit academic.

For me £170 would be too much for some friends but fine for others. And yes, going into these things you know there are other costs on top, plus child care for many people. That's why it would only be a yes to this for the very dearest of friends and more often than not, no.

In my 20's and 30's it was always a yes but you get to 40 and all life's other considerations come into sharper focus.

Jamaisy82 · 26/10/2022 14:03

It's my 40th this year and I'm going to London with my mam and sister its going to cost around £250 each for two nights and our train tickets etc also will need spending money on top so comes to quite a bit but both are willing to pay as its a special occasion. Unless I was incredibly close to someone I wouldn't really wanna pay all that money and genuinely wanted to go.

crosstalk · 26/10/2022 14:06

Sorry the OP has decided to go away. It is an interesting subject. My main concern would be not just the finances of the guests, and the mixture (which might or might not work) but the organisation and finances involved ... eg do they pay a deposit? if something intervenes and they can't come at the last minute, do they get the deposit back and who covers the room cost? My DCs are finding this - in their twenties it was off everywhere if they could afford it .. now kids are coming into play so it's childcare and instead of coping with 2 people it's now 3 or 4 who might get ill/have a critical event/etc.

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2022 14:11

TigerLilly33 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

Tbh I'm surprised so many people have said yanbu. My view is that people have autonomy and there is nothing wrong with putting an idea forward. If people don't want to do it they can say no. I've said no to similar before when I've just not been interested in the thing arranged (i.e. weekend away involving male stripper which is not me so I declined) let alone the cost. And there will be people who can afford this so it depends on your friend group. Some people would be happy to for a special birthday if somewhere they're interested in going and close friends. I wouldn't expect a gift though:)

I genuinely don't understand why even asking/inviting people would be offensive/inappropriate but I am neuro diverse so perhaps I'm missing something.

VeronicaFranklin · 26/10/2022 14:16

Me and my husband paid £150 each recently to go away for a friend 50th, to be honest we thought it was reasonable and were pleased to be invited. We had a great weekend. The organiser had thought of everything and asked everyone to bring some food/drinks, so each evening was covered.

If people can't afford it or don't want to go they can politely decline.

GooglyEyeballs · 26/10/2022 14:16

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I really can't stand it when people assume everyone else would want to save up to go to their events. They might already be saving for something else or not have the capacity to save. They have their own lives going on that don't revolve around saving up money to go to someone else's party!

sweetgingercat · 26/10/2022 14:18

Floating the idea among friends seems like a good idea, but when I friend floated this idea to me about her hen night, I felt I was put in an awkward position and too embarrassed to say I felt it was too much to spend.

If any of your friends have to 'save' to do this, then it's unreasonable of you to ask them.

FurAndFeathers · 26/10/2022 14:26

I did this for my 40th except I rented a cottage for 9 and paid for it myself. I planned in advance so everyone had the dates and I had lots of time to save.

i wouldn’t host a party and expect friends to pay for the room hire so I don’t see this as any different. If you and your bestie cannot afford to pay as the hosts then you can’t afford to do this.

Beautiful3 · 26/10/2022 14:37

Why don't you set up a what's app group and ask them if they fancy it to let you know by Friday. If you hear nothing then assume no-one wants to go. Then you can revert to your original plans.

treesfieldssun · 26/10/2022 14:39

GooglyEyeballs · 26/10/2022 14:16

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I really can't stand it when people assume everyone else would want to save up to go to their events. They might already be saving for something else or not have the capacity to save. They have their own lives going on that don't revolve around saving up money to go to someone else's party!

This.

I have friends who want to plan expensive events for big birthdays. I don't want to spend my money doing those things, I am saving up to go to Australia for 3 weeks. But, apparently because I can afford to go to Australia (I cant - I'm going without luxuries and have taken on extra shifts at work to save up for it) then they assume I can afford the expensive birthday events. Happy to go for a meal out but not a £250 weekend away.

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