Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

This, I hate these bloody massive gatherings like this. Even if I could afford it I wouldn’t want to come.

It would be a quick 'nope' from me and my DH.

Yawn.

It's really tedious seeing this accusation come up time after time.

If you do, I would ask each person as if you were asking if they wanted to come away with you for the weekend. Normally they would then have some input and can decline.
A large group weekend can be fun but stressful for the organisers.
It is ok to say no, you prefer original idea, why does/can she veto you?

It depends on the friends and what they can afford and what they choose to spend their money on. If you’re hesitant and think might be an issue for your friends, you’re probably right. YANBU to put feelers out.
Agree with PP if money might be a concern for friends and you are hosting you cover at least some of their costs and not expect them to pay full cost. It can be difficult to turn down an invitation like this to celebrate a friend’s birthday, even when you can’t really afford it.

we went away with four other couples last summer for the weekend - never again!

We arrived last, our room had fucking bunk beds. Two of the other rooms were fab, two ok, and one with fucking bunk beds. There was talk of switching rooms for the second night but that never happened.

I think that could end up difficult because I'm assuming that price is based on everyone attending that you want to attend so if people decline it will get more expensive for the ones who want to go due to the shared accommodation. I'd say go for a nice meal out or plan a day trip somewhere then people who want to go can go without cost being affected.

@bringincrazyback @Rainraingoaway21

I think it's sensible to have the idea, ask if people are interested and then book for those that want to go. If some people can't go due to prior commitments / lack of funds / don't fancy it, then that's fine too

No one should be pressured to attend. But I don't see why some friends shouldn't have the opportunity to go just because others can't / don't want to go (for whatever reason)

Plenty of my friends have holidays that I can't afford. I'm fine with that and wouldn't expect them to stay at home to keep me company

I wouldn’t go. Couldn’t go. It’s too big a cost of time as well as money in my current circumstances.

If I were having a landmark birthday party, I’d expect to hire a venue, put on food and music and a certain amount of drink and invite my friends. And I’d appreciate that it would cost them in other ways to attend. (Or I’d do a cheaper version by hosting a bbq at my house) I think expecting people to pay to participate in your celebrations is crass.

😂👏 well done OP 😘

There is an episode of Motherland about going away en masse.

No way would I go somewhere with loads of random people as you have different friendship groups that is what you are asking. Get together for a dinner in a restaurant is fine but it’s the whole weekend, balls to that.

If you book it and people then don’t want to go you will end up with a big bill. I remember being offered a weekend away. About 20 women were going, I only knew two of them so declined, no idea if they filled the spaces.

I’ve never heard anything so self centred as your friends reaction if :” they’ll have time to save for it”

save for a bloody party?

God no. If you and your 'bestie' want to go away, then pay for yourselves. Don't expect everyone else to subsidise you. Or even want to go.

Exactly. I also assume the “guests” will have to abide by OP and her friend’s itinerary because it’s their birthday. @TigerLilly33 just hire a function room or something and host a party with food and drink. Don’t make people pay to celebrate your birth. If they bring gifts then that is nice.

What a complete overreaction.

I'd be fine to be asked for this but only you know your friends and how likely they are to be okay with this.

You obviously weren’t inclusive enough for MN maybe you should have included the non binary toasters in your intro too

Not a good idea. There is no certainty about energy bills assistance beyond the winter, for example.

I don't buy into this 'big birthday' thing anyway.

It sounded fine to me until you said the group of people won't know each other. If it was a big group of old friends that would be fantastic. But-and sorry to be pessimistic- these people may not get on and they'll have paid a lot of money for the privilege. Too many logistical problems, like what do you eat, splitting the cost for everything 8 ways, what bedrooms you have, etc. At best it could be a little awkward, At worst there could be arguments.
I think you should tell your friend you'd prefer it if it was just the 4 of you. You'll have great time!

I don't know, surely you know whether this is a thing amongst your friendship group - some people love this sort of thing and some don't.
Personally I don't have a large group of friends but I've done trips with a couple of close friends for significant Birthdays and its taken as read that we will organise something - however I have had to decline on an occassion where finances and childcare didn't fit with the particular trip and again no issue.

Could you just ask a couple of friends that would be on the guestlist what they think?

With partners, food, spending money, gift etc. it'd end up over £500 per family. Then there's childcare. Not everyone can just go away for a weekend. You know your own friends though and their situations so only you can decide. If it were me I'd have to say no, but all my friends live quite far away and not all of them even know each other.

Just throw a nice party. Four of you x £170 gives you a budget of £680, you can throw a nice party for that.

OP, I think you've gotten a lot of rude responses here. So just wanted to say that I think this totally depends on your friendship group and what's the norm. Yes, there are lots of people at the moment who are worried about rising cost of living. But there are also plenty of people who aren't being affected all that much, at least not so much that they couldn't contemplate a weekend away next year.

Personally, when we go to visit friends and family, we need to stay in a holiday cottage as there isn't enough room to accommodate us. Normally, we'd look for somewhere that's about £90-100 a night, but I think for a nice weekend away (2-3 nights) in a really nice place, about £350 for a couple isn't that far out of the park for people who do have expendable income. I've certainly paid that much to go to a wedding before, and a weekend in a cottage relaxing with friends sounds much nicer. But you know your group of friends better than anyone. Is this the sort of thing they do? Could you book 2-3 cottages that are close together that would be cheaper, rather than one big fancy one?

@bringincrazyback but people can just say no if they can't go for whatever reason! Nobody will end up doing anything if things aren't suggested or organised! It certainly wasn't 'expected' by my friend for everyone to say yes at all, some were honest and said they couldn't afford it, couldn't get time off work or even just said no without a reason - no questions asked at all. But the 12 that said yes were really excited and up for it. I think everyone appreciated being asked and included, bring regarded as true friends that all wanted to spend time together. We all had a year to save and organise it. There's no harm in putting the feelers out imo. I would be flattered to be asked, not offended 🙄 depends what way you look at things I suppose.

Not a good idea. I’d either stick to your original plan of just the two couples or if your friend wants a great big celebration for all and sundry then I’d personally do my own thing and let her get on with it.