Friend expecting people to pay a lot to attend our 40th

[TigerLilly33]

Hi ladies,

Advice needed please.

It’s mine and my bestie’s 40th next year and we were talking about going away for a weekend with our partners, just the 4 of us.

It’s now evolved into us looking at cottages that sleep about 16 people and asking friends to join us. We’ve seen one we really like and it would work out at £170 per person for a weekend stay.

My bestie thinks this is reasonable but my argument is, yes it’s an ok price if you’re choosing to go away but I worry it’s a lot to ask people to pay to attend someone’s birthday and they will feel obliged to pay it when everyone is already struggling.

Bestie says, well they will have time to save for it. But can people really save any more with not having surplus cash?

I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable or is she? What would you do in this situation? I think I will put the feelers out first and see how people feel about it, I just don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

If it was for her friends, then maybe alot of them didn't have childcare issues. I know that would put me right off. Whatever happened to a nice meal out.?

A big NO from me in that case.

It’s a lovely idea. If they don’t want to go / can’t afford it - don’t go!

My friend just asked for something similar for her 40th in March. Will pretty much a bunch of strangers to me. I said I doubt I would make with me having a child and Christmas and rising costs. My true thoughts though… read the fucking room it’s far too much to ask anyone at the moment. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I really did think are you just tone deaf.

you can feel it out but I don’t think it will be popular. My friend said it’s not until March and it is only £230. Idk know but I asked my friends to come to a local restaurant and only if they could afford it.

I’d pay it if I were a close friend, sounds fun but on the proviso that you never said bestie in my earshot.

I do things like this with my friends all the time. I think it sounds fun!

You know your friendship group best though.

I wouldn't expect the whole weekend to be a big birthday extravaganza. Maybe a sign hanging up and a cake on Saturday evening.

We had a weekend away for our tenth wedding anniversary. Six families (including children) plus us. It was fun.

We paid for the accommodation.

Your 40th (or your friends) is not worth even the accommodation cost to that many people, especially in the middle of a massive financial crisis.

Unless everyone you know is a millionaire, or at least rich enough to impulse buy £500+ items on a regular basis, it's an unreasonable amount of money to expect anyone to pay for a not even particularly special birthday.

I would say that you and your friend have very different ideas about how you want to celebrate despite the original idea being just 4 of you going away. In her mind it's escalating to a big gathering which may or may not be realistic.

Even if she/you finds 12 additional people happy and willing to go, that's a heck of a lot more people's expectations to manage and a lot of organisation for something that sounds like it should be a relaxing weekend to celebrate something. You could end up spending the time catering/cleaning up for everyone because you invited them.

If you like the idea of having more people around, I'd stick with the 4 of you staying together and tell those you may want to celebrate with as extra the area you are staying so they can choose to book somewhere themselves if they want to especially as you say it's not likely to be 12 extra people who all know one another. You could then have your own space and free time and then book a local venue for a meal on one evening/afternoon.

I've been away a few times for friends big birthdays, we've managed to combine a few birthdays into one trip before, BUT this isn't couples going away just "girls" trips so only one person to pay for and no childcare issues, booked a long time in advance with one person collecting money over a period of time to spread the cost. It's effectively an excuse (not that we need one) for a get together.

A couples holiday is a different matter as is trying to bring together two separate friendship groups.

That's a lot of money to go away with some people you don't know.

I'd suggest just going with your friend.

Or, ask your other friends first and ask if they'd be interested and what their budget is.

This is quite normal in my friendship group. We often organise weekends away. If someone is organising one for their birthday then they usually buy all of the alcohol. We do a big food order for everything else and split the cost. Not everyone joins in every trip away.

Given the childcare angle, I wouldn't go to a weekend like this where DH and I were both expected to go, so £340 accommodation and logistics of children.

I would go if it was all women, having a fun birthday weekend away, leaving kids at home with dad,

OK, I've just seen you are not all one big friendship group, which means I would be less likely to join. I still think it is fine to invite people, just accept that people might say no.

That would definitely be a no then on top of the price.

It's a nice idea, and some friends might see it as a nice chance to go away with friends aside from it being her birthday.

However, she has to be prepared for people to say no, and not put pressure on them to say yes (and make it clear she won't be offended if they say no, because some will feel the pressure even if she doesn't put pressure on them).

If you're still reading OP, stick to the original plan. The more people you bring in, especially those you do not know, the bigger the chances of issues. The person who eats and drinks everything not nailed down, the person who takes over conversations, the bathroom hogger etc.

Well if you were invited to it, the hosts were paying and couldn’t commit because of childcare issues then you could just say no… crazy as it sounds..

Most people seemed to be agreeing with you, @TigerLilly33, and even the posts that weren't agreeing with you, seem pretty polite to me - so it is pretty rude to call them all ugly people, and leaving (in a huff) seems unnecessary too.

@MrsJamieDornan

its not every birthday, it's for their joint 40th birthdays! I'm sure the others can do doubles as well.

@TigerLilly33 I think if it's an established group of friends it would be great fun. IF you can find a place that's suitable for everyone's needs. (Enough double & single room as people prefer).

it also depends on the financial situation of your group of friends whether this is a doable thing or not. I'd definitely put something on the invitations about NO presents, no fancy new clothes required etc

& make it not too far away (fuel consideration & for anyone leaning kids)

make the food as easy as possible to sort out.

I agree with PPs - this isn’t a reasonable expectation to place on people. People shouldn't have to "save up" nearly £200 to attend their friend's birthday celebration.

It's not really unnecessary. You asked. Honestly, spending other people's money is always going to be contentious.

BUT …if it gets booked and some of the 16 decide not to go it’s going to be a lot more for each person isn’t it ? They’ll be subsiding the others. Plus food, drinks, getting there etc etc . Either have a party at home or go with your original idea of you, her and partners

It is something our group of friends (11-13 folks) do. For big birthdays we’ll arrange a get together or share the cost of staying somewhere.

we take turns cooking, or bring the cheese course/pie and peas etc. we all chip in to the cost of a big fancy dinner cooked by my chap we gets all the ingredients (normally works out at under £10 each).

it’s fabulous. If that’s what folks want.

run the idea by your friends.

if they are interested super.

if not. Just the 4 of you go.

I don't see anything wrong with this - what's the difference between inviting friends to holiday together?