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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to admit doing the annoying things people on MN complain about?

646 replies

GreenLinks · 26/10/2022 07:08

For an anonymous internet forum, it continually strikes me as odd that people very rarely admit to engaging in the problematic or annoying behaviours complained about on here - it's always someone else doing it, apparently. Whether it's hogging the middle lane on the motorway, having kids who are out of control in public places, being a noisy neighbour or not picking up dog poo, people on MN constantly complain about these things happening around them but if no one on here admits to doing it, who are all these offenders? For example, several people in my neighbourhood are leaving their dog's poo around constantly, but when this is brought up on here every single dog owner loudly exclaims that it it's these dog owners who give them a bad name, that they never go out walking without carrying several bags for good measure! Same with bad driving - people on here love calling out driving pet peeves, but surely at least some people on here are engaging in those very same behaviours e.g. tailgating, driving too slowly or bad parking, that everyone complains about?

Are people on here just squeaky clean or in denial? I admit it, I do hog the middle lane sometimes, there you go 😬

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 19:05

I'm not dictating @ReneBumsWombats. It's public transport. Everyone who has paid for a ticket can get on. I don't mind sitting next to other people but I'd prefer space. Doesn't everyone?

Why do you have a burning desire to sit next to me or anyone else if there are other seats free?

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 19:11

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/10/2022 17:14

@AnApparitionQuipped other double seats.

I must have a sign on my forehead that only appears on public transport which says “Smelly overweight men, ignore that double seat and come sit here and lean into me”

I get that. "Lean on me because I'm small and take the opportunity to grope me while you're at it."

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 19:15

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 19:05

I'm not dictating @ReneBumsWombats. It's public transport. Everyone who has paid for a ticket can get on. I don't mind sitting next to other people but I'd prefer space. Doesn't everyone?

Why do you have a burning desire to sit next to me or anyone else if there are other seats free?

What you prefer doesn't compel fellow passengers. If you don't mind sitting next to people why do you gesture/ignore/make weird inappropriate comments if they try to sit down?

You're clearly not talking about when it's a completely empty carriage and someone sits next to you. You mean when it's starting to fill up a bit and some navigation might be involved to reach the seat you think people should take. Some people don't like walking on moving vehicles and/or would rather not go to the very back. Some just plain don't give a shit about being next to others, don't fancy the navigation and just want to sit down quickly and get off quickly.

Why do you have a burning desire to assume that the decision is all about you and people's urgent wish to be close to you?

Bigfishlittlefishcardboardfox · 28/10/2022 19:18

One of my children is definitely the ‘problem child’ in public and at school. He also is autistic and struggling a lot right now. Lots of specialists involved and possibly a range of other issues alongside autism. He is ‘a tricky customer’ as the educational psychologist put it.

In public I am calm, smile at other parents (pretend not to notice the looks) and style it out. In private, I cry.

Thankfully my other child is well behaved so school have never suggested it’s my fault and are well aware of the challenges, but I’m sure other parents and random members of the public on the bus think he is just not properly brought up.

I would also qualify as performance parenting, but the reason is that discussing the finer points of how evolution happened or what changes we need to make as a society to stop climate change or whether the constituency boundaries are going to change delays the inevitable post school meltdown until we are safely at home. ….and yes, yes it’s mad that this child can’t cope with a new song in assembly but wants to know the details of our political system… that’s just how his brain ticks.

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 19:28

@ReneBumsWombats if you want to sit next to me and there are no other seats just say so. What do you find so difficult about that?

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 19:31

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 19:28

@ReneBumsWombats if you want to sit next to me and there are no other seats just say so. What do you find so difficult about that?

As I said in the first instance, I'd ask you politely to move your bag. You say that if I do, you'll grunt and point to try to create an awkward situation, tell me I just want your body, or actually move it.

If you don't move it, I'll move it for you and then sit down.

What do you find so objectionable about that?

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 19:34

It's a pointless conversation, though. We all know that if I politely ask you to move your bag, you will in fact just move it. You may spend the rest of the journey thinking I am desperately attracted to you (and maybe you do indeed turn straight women gay, I don't know, I've never seen you), but you'll move it.

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 20:21

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 19:34

It's a pointless conversation, though. We all know that if I politely ask you to move your bag, you will in fact just move it. You may spend the rest of the journey thinking I am desperately attracted to you (and maybe you do indeed turn straight women gay, I don't know, I've never seen you), but you'll move it.

@ReneBumsWombats This is pointless because you are not polite but passive aggressive.

As I said if you asked me to move my bag I'd look up and if there were no other seats I'd say "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. Let me move it for you;" But if I looked around and saw several other free seats I'd wonder why you didn't take them and gesture for you take one of them. I wouldn't suspect you of being madly sexually attracted to me - I'm not that hot - but why would you want to sit next to me when other seats were available?

I presume you are able bodied enough to make it to another seat. I am not able bodied enough to make it to another for your convenience.

You can sit next to me and it's not too much for you to ask. This is normal social interaction .I know people say this is outrageous and they should be able to do things without speech or other forms of human interaction but it's really not.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 20:44

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 20:21

@ReneBumsWombats This is pointless because you are not polite but passive aggressive.

As I said if you asked me to move my bag I'd look up and if there were no other seats I'd say "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. Let me move it for you;" But if I looked around and saw several other free seats I'd wonder why you didn't take them and gesture for you take one of them. I wouldn't suspect you of being madly sexually attracted to me - I'm not that hot - but why would you want to sit next to me when other seats were available?

I presume you are able bodied enough to make it to another seat. I am not able bodied enough to make it to another for your convenience.

You can sit next to me and it's not too much for you to ask. This is normal social interaction .I know people say this is outrageous and they should be able to do things without speech or other forms of human interaction but it's really not.

"You are not polite but passive aggressive", says the woman who tries to scare people away from seats with weird gestures and silence, or making socially inappropriate comments about how they must fancy her. Or wants us to believe she does. (And you're lecturing me on normal social interaction?) And fantasises about the marks left on the arse of the woman who sat next to her, on her ornamental pig...

You can wonder why someone doesn't take any of the free seats, but it's none of your business. It's public transport, the seats are available. If you think there are loads of double seats available that don't require much navigation to reach, then move over and take one of them yourself. Of course, if you're worried about creepy men sitting next to you, you could sit next to a woman...

You can also make assumptions about everyone else's level of able bodiedness, but I assume you don't want them to make any assumptions about yours. It's irrelevant anyway, because the seats are publicly available. In fact, I'm surprised that someone who is sensitive to disability and invisible disability would ever block a seat at all. If it's close/accessible for you, why would you not want it available for others with similar mobility issues? Why make it harder than it needs to be? Do you like having to ask people to move their bags because they assume you'll be fine walking and sitting anywhere else?

I do agree that it's weird if the carriage is totally empty and someone sits next to you, but as that's patently not the situation we're talking about, it doesn't matter.

It is rarely, if ever, about you. It could be about where people prefer to sit, it could be about people wanting to sit by a woman so a man can't sit next to them, it could be about mobility issues making it harder to go elsewhere, it could just be because they don't give a fuck and don't imagine you would either and they just want to sit down as fast as possible.

Either way, if you do indeed just move your bag when asked to (and we know you do), there's no issue.

AnApparitionQuipped · 28/10/2022 20:57

Just to point out that sometimes apparently empty seats are actually reserved. For a short journey I would take the chance if a double wasn't occupied but on a longer journey I would rather secure an unreserved seat next to someone else than take the chance of being turfed out of a reserved one when all the unreserved ones have filled up later on. Given the choice I would reserve one myself but it's not always possible on work journeys where finish time is uncertain.

JOFFCV · 28/10/2022 21:01

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/10/2022 17:12

My DH smacks my arse now and again in the house or pinches my bum for example when I’m washing dishes. I don’t call 999 and report him for sexual assault.

I like it.

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 23:32

@ReneBumsWombats You're making it so complicated. Why not say: "Hi. I want to sit down. Thank you."?

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 23:45

I think it is strange that you'd choose to sit next to me when you could sit on another seat and stretch out. Why would you do that? It's weird.

FortunesFavour · 29/10/2022 02:15

Calm down @limitedperiodonly. I know you are desperate to justify yourself having been called out on your rude and entitled behaviour, but spending your afternoon seething and challenging / insulting me directly is rather OTT.

It seems you have a particular problem with me because I would not only challenge you and sit down anyway, but I would enjoy it. That is true. Not because I am aggressive or a sexual deviant as you suggest, but because the nose in book/bag on seat move is really dickish and is also well known by commuters (commonly also deployed to avoid seeing those who might need a seat more than you do - do you indulge in that anti social public transport ruse too?). Also because you followed up on being a passive aggressive dick by being extremely rude and dismissive to the poor tired commuter who politely asked you to move your bag. Didn’t even deign to respond, just waved them away like staff or shit on your shoe. Who does this? It is so very rude and unnecessary. Damn right I would have challenged you - your selfish behaviour relies on others being too polite or nervous to challenge you. Sod that.

I’m also not falling for your subsequent posts where you are suddenly a victim feeling threatened on a mysteriously empty train. That is not what you originally described and is far from my experience of 20 years rush hour commuting in London. There might be a couple of seats dotted round the carriage, which others are heading for, and which are also seated next to fellow passengers (the horror!). This is the more realistic scenario, unless your London travel involves midday museum excursions on the District Line, late night travel or lockdown services.

No, you described there being other seats available, not acres of room or a near empty train. Why would you even position your bag to protect your space if there was plenty of room for everyone to spread out? You wouldn’t. Neither would you deal with an aggressive bully weirdly trying to sit next to you on a near empty train by simply wafting your fingers - that wouldn’t have any affect at all on an aggressor.

I call bullshit. You are amending your story to paint yourself as the victim and me as some weird aggressor because I pointed out how selfish and rude your behaviour was, as did others. The original story that I reacted to described being on a train with others looking for a seat, not a weirdly empty service. You were smug in your description of passive aggressively discouraging other commuters who would like to sit, then reacting very rudely when asked to move you bag. Just own it and stop trying to paint yourself a victim and others as aggressors because they don’t just accept it (the mean trick that you describe is well known, but dicks get away with it because they rely on the politeness / nervousness of fellow passengers. I would encourage others to call them
out - they might inwardly seeth, but they wont say anything further in front of their fellow passengers because they know they have acted selfishly).

I know you will want to send me another slew of changed information, justifications and insults in response @limitedperiodonly. Feel free to waste your time if you wish but it wont make any difference. I think you acted like a real dick and it would be a public service to challenge you where others might not. Maybe you wont act like such an entitled prat next time. I also think your subsequent reaction and insults to me are
OTT, and I don’t believe your subsequent inventions that this is about your safety on an empty train at all - that is invention to save face imo.

I’m sorry that I seem to have offended by describing my experience of public transport where I live and have commuted for 20 years. I assure you I am not a wannabe gangster as your insults suggest, but a tired commuter who has seen all these silly seat tricks before and has no patience for it. Compounded by your extreme rudeness and condescension in waving the poor sod away. I doubt this is true tbh, even if you were travelling on an empty regional train. Most people would react badly to unjustified rudeness - they would think you were a dick even if they didn’t have the confidence to say it. And as for your subsequent invention that the commuter was in fact an aggressive bully - I don’t believe
for a minute that you would have just wafted your fingers in that scenario. You would have needed and much more assertive approach in this alarming (and totally different) scenario.

I regret that I have had to write an essay on the way home to repudiate the multiple aggressive messages that you have sent me this afternoon while I’ve been at work. However in much the same way as I wouldn’t tolerate your selfish and rude seat bagging behaviour, I am also not going to tolerate multiple messages changing your story and painting yourself as some kind of vulnerable victim and me as an aggressive bully because you don’t like being called out.

TL:DR - it is clear you are changing your story to make out you are the victim of aggression in reaction to being called out on v rude behaviour by multiple posters. It won’t wash, no matter how many times you @ me with your insults and imaginary scenarios. I still think you acted like a real dick, and I hope next time you try this trick you only get confronted by a knackered but polite lady commuter. Since we are
imagining scenarios, let’s imagine that next time you dismissively waft your fingers you do so at a truly aggressive or drunken bully who might react worse than playing you at your own game by sitting in the free seat that they had paid for.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 07:38

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 23:32

@ReneBumsWombats You're making it so complicated. Why not say: "Hi. I want to sit down. Thank you."?

Because for some reason, I say: "Would you move your bag, please?" Apologies if that's too complicated for you, but so far everyone I've asked has understood it just fine.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 07:48

limitedperiodonly · 28/10/2022 23:45

I think it is strange that you'd choose to sit next to me when you could sit on another seat and stretch out. Why would you do that? It's weird.

You're not stretching out if you've parked your bag on the seat next to you. (How much sideways space do you take up?) And you are in no position to lecture anyone about what's weird...

You're just blocking the seat, possibly from others who require an accessible seat as you do. You mention a lack of able bodiedness, are you actually blocking the priority seats??

Yes, there might be a double here and there, near the back, away from the bell or support bar or whatever but if you don't want to sit there or are physically unable to, why are you assuming it's fine for everyone else?

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 07:52

I got on the bus yesterday and literally everyone had their bag on the seat next to them apart from a man spreader.

It was so hard what to decide who to sit by and no one was moving their bags. I chose a person who was pretending not to have seen me in the end.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 08:00

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 07:52

I got on the bus yesterday and literally everyone had their bag on the seat next to them apart from a man spreader.

It was so hard what to decide who to sit by and no one was moving their bags. I chose a person who was pretending not to have seen me in the end.

But I bet they moved it without grunts, gestures or creepy comments about how you must want their body, right?

NoNameNowAgain · 29/10/2022 08:25

I have just voted YABU because anonymity obviously doesn’t mean freedom from criticism. Also, some people do have established names and reputations on here.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 29/10/2022 13:39

I can’t believe how many posts have been generated about bus seats 🤣

Look, just sit on a double seat if it’s available, if it’s not then sit on a seat that’s free. If someone has their bag in it it’s because they don’t want you sitting next to them. So unless there are literally no other seats available, don’t be a dick and sit where you’re not wanted.

FortunesFavour · 29/10/2022 13:47

Well we would all sit on a free seat, but sadly that’s often impossible because they are all
occupied by bags. Perhaps we should stand so that neither you nor your bag suffer any slight discomfort?

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 14:02

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 29/10/2022 13:39

I can’t believe how many posts have been generated about bus seats 🤣

Look, just sit on a double seat if it’s available, if it’s not then sit on a seat that’s free. If someone has their bag in it it’s because they don’t want you sitting next to them. So unless there are literally no other seats available, don’t be a dick and sit where you’re not wanted.

Thanks for adding to them and demonstrating how much you care.

The dickish thing is thinking you can commandeer extra seats on public transport to try to control where people sit. If there are so many free doubles, someone sits next to you and you don't like it, you move. Your wants don't dictate where people go on public transport.

If you can't handle people sitting near you, go by private car.

NoNameNowAgain · 29/10/2022 14:38

ReneBumsWombats · 28/10/2022 17:22

Of course they'll say that.

I thought you were maybe being a bit harsh there, but No. You were right @ReneBumsWombats

Ferntastical · 29/10/2022 14:48

Another lighthearted thead ruined because some posters just don't know when to quit....

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 29/10/2022 14:49

ReneBumsWombats · 29/10/2022 14:02

Thanks for adding to them and demonstrating how much you care.

The dickish thing is thinking you can commandeer extra seats on public transport to try to control where people sit. If there are so many free doubles, someone sits next to you and you don't like it, you move. Your wants don't dictate where people go on public transport.

If you can't handle people sitting near you, go by private car.

This is why I only take public transport if absolutely necessary.

I don’t think I can conjure additional seats 🤣🤣 what a weird claim. I’m just saying sit where there’s either no one free or where no one minds.