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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go out without stepchildren?

114 replies

Humal93 · 26/10/2022 02:41

It is half term this week and I have 2 step children and a baby who is 2. I have been wanting to go out to see a friend for a coffee or simply go to hers for a catch up. I have not been out with a friend since we got together, being busy and all.

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc. He was off with me and didn't seem too happy.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. However, this hasn't happened in a while and I don't want them to feel left out or anything, but I've waited a long time and really just want some time to talk to a friend without anyone listening in as I'm sure she would appreciate too.

We have not seen each other in a few years, only maintaining contact via chats/videos so would like the first meet in a long time to be more open and free, if that makes sense.

My question is, am I wrong to want to go out without the step children?

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 26/10/2022 02:44

Not at all! Everyone needs a break and some personal time alone with friends. I’m not sure you should be in a situation where you ask permission to do every day things!

They are his children and it should be the norm for him to have them and a favour from you to look after them not the other way round.

Don’t ask - tell him

Coyoacan · 26/10/2022 03:31

Step-children are the responsability of their parents, not of their step-parents.

Gingerkittykat · 26/10/2022 04:07

Do the stepkids live with you full time?

TheSandgroper · 26/10/2022 04:23

Er, you can go out without any children, actually. All the children have more parents than just you.

Yes, you can go out without your stepchildren. You are not their parent. Someone else is.

Just so you know, taking up with someone else DOES NOT mean subsuming yourself to them forever and a day. You are an adult, human female and should expect to be treated as such.

If any or all of this is a problem, you have bigger problems to be looking at.

theremustonlybeone · 26/10/2022 04:25

Is this another bloke who has you parenting his kids and berates you if you dare not take them with you when he is sat at home? There his DC. He needs to parent them and even if they were yours I would say the same thing. I wouldn’t be taking all my kids with me to see a close friend. Personally there is no reason why he should not be looking after all your children including the toddler.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 26/10/2022 04:28

Regardless of whether they are stepchildren or not, you shouldn’t need permission to go and see a friend without the children. Why have you waited months for their bio mum to have them when they have a capable dad? Madness.

Badgirlriri · 26/10/2022 04:46

I doubt the stepchildren would even want to go!

YANBU. Don’t ask, tell him.

User0610134057 · 26/10/2022 04:47

Do you not go out in the evening and meet up with friends without kids there?

mynameisbrian · 26/10/2022 04:48

I have read you PP. The kids live with you full time. Your not legally married and somehow have ended up giving your job and SAH. He works long hours and you were using your child benefit for the younger child to pay for the three older DC and using your savings for there Xmas presents etc. He definitely saw you coming. You should never have given up your job. Your not legally married and are now responsible for 4 DC. I have no idea how he ended up having the DC full time when he supposedly was working all the time. But hey ho. You not being able to see a friend since you got together with this man is a huge red flag: Go and see your friend

wackamole · 26/10/2022 04:54

I'd leave the baby with your partner as well, unless he specifically asks you to take her so he can do something age-appropriate with the older children. Unless your stepchildren are very close to your friend and would be genuinely happy to see her and vice versa (and she's up to that many visitors) I'm not sure why anyone would think they would go with you, especially if your husband's not going.

He was off with me and didn't seem too happy. I'd just ignore this, or challenge him if he's being very unpleasant. If he asks you not to go then you can have a discussion about why, but if he's just humphfing I'd be suspicious he's trying to bully you out of going.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. Why? Isn't your partner their dad?

StClare101 · 26/10/2022 05:24

Why are you taking on so much responsibility for his children. Tell him you are going without them and quite frankly leave this dickwad, get a job and get your life back in order.

Rumplestrumpet · 26/10/2022 05:36

Posts like this make me so sad. I remember your precious posts too - this situation is not normal, you need to get advice on how to either get out of the relationship or at the very least put yourself in a stronger position legally and discuss the situation with him.

Fwiw I had two small kids and leave them at home with my husband at least once a week to go to the gym or have a drink with a friend. He doesn't the same. We're equal parents.

Even if the step kids were biologically yours, you are still allowed time away!

RainbowsMoonbeams · 26/10/2022 05:38

Why are neither the mother or father seemingly pulling their weight and looking after their children?

This isn’t your responsibility to provide endless childcare.

BadNomad · 26/10/2022 05:38

The 2-year-old crying shouldn't be an issue. Or are you going to say that your partner has never had to parent him/her alone in two years so won't be able to settle them?

Cantstandbullshit · 26/10/2022 05:44

Humal93 · 26/10/2022 02:41

It is half term this week and I have 2 step children and a baby who is 2. I have been wanting to go out to see a friend for a coffee or simply go to hers for a catch up. I have not been out with a friend since we got together, being busy and all.

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc. He was off with me and didn't seem too happy.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. However, this hasn't happened in a while and I don't want them to feel left out or anything, but I've waited a long time and really just want some time to talk to a friend without anyone listening in as I'm sure she would appreciate too.

We have not seen each other in a few years, only maintaining contact via chats/videos so would like the first meet in a long time to be more open and free, if that makes sense.

My question is, am I wrong to want to go out without the step children?

Your choice of words makes me feel you’re in an abusive and controlling relationship.

UserError012345 · 26/10/2022 05:50

Just go. Don't ask, tell.

FGS leave the kids - all of them. He will cope.

Berrylina · 26/10/2022 05:56

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Rumplestrumpet · 26/10/2022 06:11

BerryLina that's not fair - if you'd read any previous posts you'd see the OP does everything for her step kids. And even if they were her own biological kids it is fine to need a break from them!

In this instance she needs a break but was offering to bring the toddler as he won't restrict their conversation (and probably because her partner isn't capable of parenting him properly).

I agree with you about taking on the responsibility of step children but this isn't one of those cases

mrsbitaly · 26/10/2022 06:12

Whether it's step children or your own children you are allowed to have a break to catch up with people it's good for your mental health and its good to try and keep in touch as sometimes parenting can be quite isolating - from my own experience. My children are 3 and 10 and I've only just started being more selfish and having time for myself each week just for 1.5 hours to catch up with a friend. I lost many due to being so isolated and regret it.

You need to put your foot down on this, if he's in a position to look after the children then he should.

TootsAtOwls · 26/10/2022 15:09

You definitely should be able to go out without the kids sometimes! That would be the case even if they were your own kids, the fact they're your step kids is even more of a red flag that your partner isn't pulling his weight.

Slightly off-topic but is there a reason you couldn't have seen your friend on a weekday when it wasn't half term? Does your dh stop you going out then?

Naunet · 26/10/2022 15:30

This is absolute fucking madness, and you’re not even married to this man? What on earth are you doing with your life OP? Do you enjoy being treated like his staff?

Naunet · 26/10/2022 15:31

This reply has been deleted

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Well they do have a mum, and a father too, so what would they do without OP picking up all their responsibilities for them?

Obki · 26/10/2022 15:34

Why is your husband acting like your step-kids are your kids, OP?

Tell him your taking your baby and he needs to take care of his OWN children. He can fuck right off.

Obki · 26/10/2022 15:34

*you're taking

DashboardConfessional · 26/10/2022 15:37

Obki · 26/10/2022 15:34

Why is your husband acting like your step-kids are your kids, OP?

Tell him your taking your baby and he needs to take care of his OWN children. He can fuck right off.

This! Don't be a mug.

Ignore Berrylina. A) you're not married and B) you were spending all your CB on his kids in December and he was "too busy" to set up a joint account. I bet that's not changed.

Men like him normally just want a replacement woman in the house to foist the gruntwork onto. If you split, he'd be up shit creek with his oh-so-busy job.

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