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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go out without stepchildren?

114 replies

Humal93 · 26/10/2022 02:41

It is half term this week and I have 2 step children and a baby who is 2. I have been wanting to go out to see a friend for a coffee or simply go to hers for a catch up. I have not been out with a friend since we got together, being busy and all.

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc. He was off with me and didn't seem too happy.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. However, this hasn't happened in a while and I don't want them to feel left out or anything, but I've waited a long time and really just want some time to talk to a friend without anyone listening in as I'm sure she would appreciate too.

We have not seen each other in a few years, only maintaining contact via chats/videos so would like the first meet in a long time to be more open and free, if that makes sense.

My question is, am I wrong to want to go out without the step children?

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 28/10/2022 09:56

Why do you have to seek permission? Just tell him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/10/2022 09:57

TheSandgroper · 26/10/2022 04:23

Er, you can go out without any children, actually. All the children have more parents than just you.

Yes, you can go out without your stepchildren. You are not their parent. Someone else is.

Just so you know, taking up with someone else DOES NOT mean subsuming yourself to them forever and a day. You are an adult, human female and should expect to be treated as such.

If any or all of this is a problem, you have bigger problems to be looking at.

All this.

Your post is quite concerning Op. why haven’t you seen friends in years.

SezFrankly · 28/10/2022 09:57

It’s not unreasonable to have some time to yourself, regardless of whose children they are. You seem to be making this about the step children, which makes me think there’s a bigger problem.

Thurst · 28/10/2022 09:59

If they were all your children it would still be easier for everyone for you to take the baby and the older two to stay with their Dad. YANBU

plasticdragon · 28/10/2022 10:09

Is it me, or are there more threads nowadays where the OP only posts once?

RobertsRadio · 28/10/2022 10:10

Everything in your post screams that you are in an unhealthy relationship with a man who treats you like a slave. I haven't read any of your previous threads and I probably won't as I find it so depressing to read of of yet another woman who has allowed herself to be abused, used and subjugated by a man purely for his benefit, to care for his children, to cook, clean, shop and pay for him and his children with no rights of her own, and where she has to ask "permission" like a slave to leave the house to see a friend without his DC.

Truly, truly depressing that there are still females letting themselves be used in this way in 2021.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 28/10/2022 10:11

He sounds controlling. Why do you even have to ask him? I just announce to my dh when I have plans and it was never an issue. You meeting a friend childfree shouldn't be an issue in a healthy relationship.

WaltzingWaters · 28/10/2022 10:14

A hugely concerning post op. He sounds very abusive and controlling. His dc are his responsibility, not yours. And you absolutely DO NOT need to ask permission to go and see a friend. The fact you haven’t been out to see a friend since you met him is extremely worrying. Please gain back some control of your life and get out of there.

Francelover · 28/10/2022 10:14

@plasticdragon
I agree, hoping for a response from OP as quite concerned about her.

3peassuit · 28/10/2022 10:14

Don’t ask permission just leave all three children with him and go.

Happyher · 28/10/2022 10:26

Even if they were your own children, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him to do something with the older 2 while you take the baby to see an old friend

Tsort · 28/10/2022 10:30

Having read this and your previous thread, I’m very worried for you. I’d honestly just take your baby and move out. You are being used.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2022 10:31

Why are you asking his permission ffs? They're his children, in actual fact he should be taking your son too. Does he ever go off on his own and leave you look after all the children btw?

notmyrealmoniker · 28/10/2022 11:03

God almighty They are his children and he can't amuse them for a few hours!

TheWitchOfShields · 28/10/2022 11:03

Firstly, you're not being unreasonable to want to go out without all children, step or otherwise. Make arrangements and TELL him you've got plans and he needs to sort out the kids. He's the other parent!

What you ABU about is ASKING to be able to go out. I wouldn't be asking to go out anywhere, I'd be planning something and off I go

DahliaDreamer · 28/10/2022 11:09

He's your partner? So they're not even your step kids and you're expected to ask if you can go and see a friend?

Multiple red flags here. The biggest one being that they are his kids not yours and it's his responsibility to parent them. This is not your responsibility. secondly, you should not need to ask if you can go to see a friend.

I think you need to have a long talk with you DP and set groundrules.

JudgeJ · 28/10/2022 11:17

mynameisbrian · 26/10/2022 04:48

I have read you PP. The kids live with you full time. Your not legally married and somehow have ended up giving your job and SAH. He works long hours and you were using your child benefit for the younger child to pay for the three older DC and using your savings for there Xmas presents etc. He definitely saw you coming. You should never have given up your job. Your not legally married and are now responsible for 4 DC. I have no idea how he ended up having the DC full time when he supposedly was working all the time. But hey ho. You not being able to see a friend since you got together with this man is a huge red flag: Go and see your friend

If the children are living with their father full time then I hope that their mother is paying money towards their support, the way fathers are expected to do, though she sounds to be glad to be rid of them.

Sloth66 · 28/10/2022 11:25

I think he saw you coming. Someone to mind his kids, do the housework, great for him. But what are you getting out of this? Reduced to feeling you have to ask permission to have a coffee with a friend?

mumnosbest · 28/10/2022 11:30

You should be able to go out without any children but if you're a family unit then I don't see why you'd separate off the stepchildren. If they live with you and you want to be a family then treat them all the same. Don't make them feel that your DC gets special treatment.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/10/2022 11:34

Yeah definitely echo what every else has said, just go! You don't have to ask permission, they have two parents.

I do empathise though in the sense that sometimes my DSD guilt-trips me if I go out without her which has caused me to second guess. But your situation sounds quite different to mine as it sounds as though the kids are with you full time? (Even if they weren't, I'd say it was ok though! And shame on their dad for treating you like unpaid childcare and trying to guilt you! ) x

bewarethetides · 28/10/2022 11:34

Why on earth are you asking your husband for permission to go out anywhere without his children?

FFS

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/10/2022 11:41

bewarethetides · 28/10/2022 11:34

Why on earth are you asking your husband for permission to go out anywhere without his children?

FFS

Summed it up really well

2% say op is being unreasonable….how?!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/10/2022 11:47

For those saying "just go"

It is half term , I haven't read the other posts
DP works long hours .

Let's say DH is someone with work commitments , maybe a doctor ? Or a surgeon? **

You are waiting months for surgery and it gets cancelled because your surgeon's OH decided to piss off for the day and see a friend .

Would you be "Oh that's fine , you need your free time , leave the DC with Dad and make him take a day off"

Don't think so Hmm

** I'm guessing he isn;r a surgeon but there are a million reasons why someone might be reliant on him being there .

Emergencies would be a reason to cancel.
Going to meet a friend , not so much .

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2022 11:47

mynameisbrian · 26/10/2022 04:48

I have read you PP. The kids live with you full time. Your not legally married and somehow have ended up giving your job and SAH. He works long hours and you were using your child benefit for the younger child to pay for the three older DC and using your savings for there Xmas presents etc. He definitely saw you coming. You should never have given up your job. Your not legally married and are now responsible for 4 DC. I have no idea how he ended up having the DC full time when he supposedly was working all the time. But hey ho. You not being able to see a friend since you got together with this man is a huge red flag: Go and see your friend

Oh my God, if all that is true it sounds like the OP is in a very controlling relationship.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 28/10/2022 11:52

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/10/2022 11:47

For those saying "just go"

It is half term , I haven't read the other posts
DP works long hours .

Let's say DH is someone with work commitments , maybe a doctor ? Or a surgeon? **

You are waiting months for surgery and it gets cancelled because your surgeon's OH decided to piss off for the day and see a friend .

Would you be "Oh that's fine , you need your free time , leave the DC with Dad and make him take a day off"

Don't think so Hmm

** I'm guessing he isn;r a surgeon but there are a million reasons why someone might be reliant on him being there .

Emergencies would be a reason to cancel.
Going to meet a friend , not so much .

I think if this was the case, the OP may have mentioned it in their post, however I may be wrong.

The fact is, it sounds as though this lady provides the lion's share of child care anyway. Even if they were her children, it would be advisable to take breaks from time to time, for the good of the kids too. The very fact that she isn't 'just going' and is thinking of asking his permission shows that she is mindful of him and not the neglectful IDGAS hoochie momma type you're trying to portray.