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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go out without stepchildren?

114 replies

Humal93 · 26/10/2022 02:41

It is half term this week and I have 2 step children and a baby who is 2. I have been wanting to go out to see a friend for a coffee or simply go to hers for a catch up. I have not been out with a friend since we got together, being busy and all.

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc. He was off with me and didn't seem too happy.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. However, this hasn't happened in a while and I don't want them to feel left out or anything, but I've waited a long time and really just want some time to talk to a friend without anyone listening in as I'm sure she would appreciate too.

We have not seen each other in a few years, only maintaining contact via chats/videos so would like the first meet in a long time to be more open and free, if that makes sense.

My question is, am I wrong to want to go out without the step children?

OP posts:
lentilly · 26/10/2022 15:40

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc why are you having to ask him? Has he left you to look after his kids?

Dillydollydingdong · 26/10/2022 15:47

Astonishing in this day and age that a woman has to ask permission from her partner for anything! Are you a cast member in the Handmaid's Tale OP? If you ask, you risk him saying "no". Just do it!

DashboardConfessional · 26/10/2022 15:51

I suspect OP can't just go this half term as she's got all 3 kids and it's not even occured to their dad to take a day holiday.

Arenanewbie · 26/10/2022 15:53

You are absolutely not unreasonable. As people pointed out it’s normal to see a friend without any children, it’s normal to expect your partner to look after his children ( joint with you or from the previous relationship) .
Hope this thread will help you to look at things differently.

2bazookas · 26/10/2022 15:58

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend

There's the problem right there. Asking permission as if you're a little girl and he's the parent in charge.

"DP, I'm taking Baby on a visit to see OSF. You kids, be good for Daddy".

Talia99 · 26/10/2022 16:05

Since you are basically a live in nanny for his kids, you should be getting paid accordingly. Are you? I suspect not.

It’s time for him to step up and parent his own children.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2022 16:13

You're not being unreasonable at all.

You need to put it in the calendar that is probably hanging on the back of the kitchen door that you're going out on X date.
You then tell your DP that you've arranged with OSF that you're meeting up on that date and that he is NOT to arrange anything as he is being Daddy and staying in with his kids.
The bioMum of the step kids doesn't need to be around for this to happen, the Daddy does though.

He also doesn't get to 'be off' with you about this. They are his kids. He steps up and is Daddy, while Step Mum and Mum (i.e. you) gets a night off.

NotLactoseFree · 26/10/2022 16:42

I honestly don't understand. Surely it's perfectly reasonable for a grown woman, with a husband who has children to be able to spend a few hours away from the home with her friend, with or without the baby? It sounds like you don't feel you can leave him with the baby but I'd be leaving him with all three children. The step children factor is irrelevant - it's about you getting some time to be an adult.

The way you word your post makes me think there might be more going on and I am a little concerned for you as a result.

LadyCluck · 26/10/2022 16:48

YANBU

He should be able to look after all his children. You should be able to go out without worrying about your 2 yr old crying. You need time for yourself.
As for the SC - they are their fathers responsibility, not yours.
Go see your friend and ignore your phone whilst you’re out.

LumpyandBumps · 26/10/2022 16:52

You are most definitely not unreasonable.

Why do you need their bio Mum to take them so you get a weekend off? Where is their Father? Presumably he doesn’t work 7 days a week.

Is he being a particular knob about this as it’s half term and he will have to parent his children for a whole day? ( shock, horror!)

knittingaddict · 26/10/2022 16:54

This would be bad enough if they were your children. The fact that they are your stepchildren and he is acting like this is appalling.

There are fairly frequent posts about men who seem incapable of parenting their children without a partner around to help. Surely that makes women wonder that's what they are valued for? My ex son in law is the same - new partner introduced the second he had to parent alone once the court case finished. 🙄

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 16:56

Who are you wanting to look after them? Their mum or dad?

Your OP makes it sound like you could be wanting the mum to do it but she’s unreliable.

If so just go and see you friend in the evening when DH is home.

Leave ALL of the DCs at home and go and share a bottle of wine with her and enjoy yourself.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 26/10/2022 17:37

You asked? Fuck that. Your partner and his ex are taking you for a mug. Fucking run.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2022 17:39

He’s not engaged at all as a father op and neither is their mother. This sounds like a really big problem. I see from your other thread you’re in a religious rather than legal marriage. You sound lovely and he is being really ridiculous to treat you this way as you’re more likely to get fed up and leave for good. You also need a break.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/10/2022 17:42

You are being treated like a mug by this selfish man and you have no financial protection at all. I would take the baby and go.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/10/2022 17:45

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/10/2022 17:42

You are being treated like a mug by this selfish man and you have no financial protection at all. I would take the baby and go.

I'd take the baby and move out!

ThrowAwayOne · 26/10/2022 18:08

I wouldn't even have asked him at all. They're not your kids, you're doing a one-off outing and he's being a sulky bastard. Take your baby and have a lovely coffee and a long, long chat with your friend. Enjoy your day.

Alice786 · 28/10/2022 08:37

It definitely sounds like there is a bigger issue at play and you need to change the dynamics of the relationship. He has put all the responsibility onto you and doesn't seem to be helping which is not fair. You need to stand up for yourself as he is taking advantage of you.

GrumpyMummy123 · 28/10/2022 08:38

Why can't your DP - child's dad have all the kids for the day? Why does it have to fall on you? Does he have time to do things without the kids? It IS unreasonable of him to EXPECT you to take his kids with you while you do something for yourself, which by what you say doesn't happen very often.

Absolutely not unreasonable to want to have a child free catch up with your friend.

Alisondewy · 28/10/2022 08:38

I have 3 children. They are all mine. 8 years difference between the youngest two. I often used to just take the littlest one when she was a baby so I could have a proper chat. And they're all mine!! YANBU.

Balloonsarethebest · 28/10/2022 08:44

I have three bio children and I still go out without them at least once a week. My husband does the same. Parenting is a partnership not a one sided job. I hope you get the time you need to see your friend and give your SO a firm kick up the backside. Especially since you seem to do so much for these children even though biologically they aren't yours.

MakeWayMoana · 28/10/2022 08:46

Echoing pps, I have 3 children with my husband. This year I have been on two weekends on my own, been to watch several shows, been out for dinner/drinks loads of times with friends and go to the gym once a week. It has never been an issue, because (shock horror) they are his children too!

meganorks · 28/10/2022 08:53

Maybe next time he wants to catch up with one of his friends, you tell him to take all the kids. See how he feels about that.

YANBU

Waitingfordecember · 28/10/2022 08:55

You do not need permission to meet your friends… that’s a huge red flag. You don’t even need to take your toddler. All three children have a dad that can and should be looking after them.

Sennelier1 · 28/10/2022 08:56

You should go and have a nice time with your friend. If your plus-children are old enough to understand I would set them down for a good talk, explaining to them you love them a lot but that you now want to see a friend just like they have playdates with their own friends. You're not deserting them, you go on an outing while their dad will do something fun with them. That way your partner is cut off from putting you in a bad light.