AIBU to want to go out without stepchildren?

[Humal93]

It is half term this week and I have 2 step children and a baby who is 2. I have been wanting to go out to see a friend for a coffee or simply go to hers for a catch up. I have not been out with a friend since we got together, being busy and all.

I asked my partner if I could go to see an old school friend who is having a hard time, but without the children, but that I would take baby as he may cry etc. He was off with me and didn't seem too happy.

I have waited months for their bio mum to take the 2 eldest for the weekend so I could do my own thing for once. However, this hasn't happened in a while and I don't want them to feel left out or anything, but I've waited a long time and really just want some time to talk to a friend without anyone listening in as I'm sure she would appreciate too.

We have not seen each other in a few years, only maintaining contact via chats/videos so would like the first meet in a long time to be more open and free, if that makes sense.

My question is, am I wrong to want to go out without the step children?

Why are you having to ask 'his' permission?

Why is their Mum not even involved?

Why is it all down to you?

I'd be out of there like a shot.

Tell him no, you should make the most of it and leave your toddler with him as well. Go out and have fun.

You’ve had some great advice here OP.

this situation is definitely wrong.

Not wrong. But better yet leave the youngest (2 is not really a baby as such so shouldn't be as heavily dependent on you as a babe in arms) and actually focus on your friend.

Kids are all consuming, take some time for you and your friend.

Your dp made all 3 kids he can look after them for a bit!

Your partner should have taken all the kids and you go on your own

@Humal93
Are you actually going to come back to your own thread to answer the questions???

Your not unreasonable at all. I have 3 kids and don't have to get DH permission to meet a friend for coffee. I often just do it in the daytime or they come to mine. Most of the time he finds out after I have Mr X or u for coffee but doesn't mind.
If it's an evening I just let him know I am planning on going out x night so he knows to be home. He does the same with me. The only thing that gets discussed is affordability. If we can't afford it we don't go or change it to a cheaper plan.

They are his kids and he needs to be the primary carer. He also needs to be take some responsibility for your 2 year old. Why do you have no time for friendships? 2 years is a long time not to see a friend unless they hundreds of miles away. Please stop being this man's door mat and letting him control and dictate to you. You are a grown woman and entitled to a life.

She may not be able to. If DH is controlling which he appears to be popping on an answering a thread isn't always easy.

So you’re good enough when it comes to providing childcare but not good enough to marry or have a joint account with. Who gets the child benefit for these children, I won’t refer to them as your step children because they’re not are they. You need to stop allowing yourself to be treated as unpaid childcare

YANBU - go out. Tell him you are going out and that he needs to be home.

However (and I’m going off on a tangent here) reading posts on this thread from other MN’s who have said that they recognise your previous posts, there are some things that are alarming.

Please correct me if I’m wrong because I have deduced this from other posts in this thread and not yours - you have given up your job to be a SAHM for your child and his children (your SCs) without him giving you money and without being legally married to this man?

If so then this is just the start of a long road of financial abuse and you run the risk of having zero financial protection for you or your child. Does your current partner own his home or are you renting? I know I’m going off topic with this so prepared for some backlash.

Wow. Your partner , their dad is objecting that you go out without his kids

tell the lazy fucker to look after his own kids - all of them

while you have a peaceful much over due catch up with your friend childfree

No , I would want to go to this without my own kids so its no different
You are entitled to some alone/ me time

Leave all the kids at home as it sounds like a much needed catch up and two year olds get bored if adults just chatting. If he says no then you have a bigger issue than just childcare. He is controlling you.

The question needs to be put in terms of "Would it be OK to go out and leave your two older children behind if they were your own children" - to which the answer would obviously be yes, for the reasons you have given. Go ahead and tell your partner to look after his own children.

Your 2 year old is old enough to be left in too if you need some kid free time. It worries me that you felt you had to ask him. My DH isn't the most hands on but he encourages me to go and meet a friend for a few hours for a coffee every week without the kids.

U ok, hun?

This doesn’t sound like you are in a good place at all.

I think you need to get out quick !

I’m not aware of any other threads that you may have posted (others seem to know more than I do) but, from the little information in the OP, for ME, I suppose it depends on what is happening in your house over half term. If you have an arrangement where you are not working and looking after the children, while your partner works, then I actually think it WOULD be unreasonable to change that, at a moments notice, to expect him to make other arrangements. If you are proposing leaving the children with their dad (while he is not working) to meet up with a friend, then the only reason you would be unreasonable, is to not leave him with the “baby” as well. The “baby” is 2, not so much of a bay by now, and his dad should be quite capable of looking after the three children for a few hours, as you appear to be expected to do just that.

Jeez what a mess.

You haven't been out to see any friends since you got together?

For years, presumably?

And he's off with you for wanting to?

Bloody hell this is fucked up.

Please get a job, get out of there, for good.

This seems so sad. I regularly left my own dc with their father for child free catch ups. It shouldn’t be a big deal at all.

Sorry, I hit the wrong button! You are NOT being unreasonable!

I know this isn’t the main issue here, but, op, do you get time to yourself when your step children are at school? I know you’ll still have the two yr old with you, but can you meet friends then? Just to stop you feeling so isolated while you figure out what to do with your situation.

100% this. And I'm speaking as a step parent.

As an isolated incident my advice would be of course YANBU, I like to see my friends without my biological children there, a baby is different.

In your specific circumstances that you've shared, you really need to secure your position and have a very serious talk with your DP. You're not a replacement 'woman' in his life.

Good grief.