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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you respond to MIL about this?

115 replies

DamnedIfDoOrDont · 25/10/2022 14:16

I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent.

My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the DC and make my life a lot easier as my DH works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my DC to school. PIL have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute and my parent drove 5 hours to look after my DC so I could go. PIL live 45 mins away and have never helped us.

So, MIL has said to DH that she is not treated equally with my parent. I suppose she doesn't like the fact that my DC get to spend more time with their other GP and go out for meals etc. Basically my PIL want to stay here for nights on end thinking they are on holiday with me hosting them. I don't want to do this because this is just more work for me and they only live down the road. If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often.

It's not just this either. If I invite my parent for Christmas, they refuse to come and childishly say things like "well, you won't want us there then". I used to include them a lot, but it is petty things like this that has made me say sod it, DH can deal with them.

PIL are very welcome to come here whenever they want, but they don't. It is not like I am massively favouring my parent over them. I am not. Mine is helping me out, whereas they don't want to.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does. Who IBU here?

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 25/10/2022 14:19

You’re not being unreasonable in being annoyed, but what is there to deal with really?

You’re not responsible for their feelings. If they need reassurance, your DH can provide that if he’s willing. But you don’t need to do anything- carry on as you are.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2022 14:21

I'd be very clear. The relationship is entirely different because the dynamic is different. Your parent mucks in, wants to help and is reliable. You can count on your parent to be a part of the household when they're there and not a guest.

When you've asked the IL's for help, they've let you down. When they have been to your home, they act like guests and expect to be waited on - which is fine but then they need to understand they'll also be treated as such as will outstay their welcome if they expect it regularly or for prolonged periods of time.

Just be honest about the differences. Although DH should have already done that rather than you being put in this position.

FurAndFeathers · 25/10/2022 14:24

It’s up to your DH to deal with them. He should be the one discussing it - they’re his parents.

Tangelablue · 25/10/2022 14:24

What makes you think MIL is going to bring this up with you? If she does just ask what day they would like to spend with you dc and what they have in mind.

Fraaahnces · 25/10/2022 14:25

I would simply say “Why the fuck do you think it’s a democracy? You get what you put in. Stop being a manipulative dick.”

girlmom21 · 25/10/2022 14:25

Fraaahnces · 25/10/2022 14:25

I would simply say “Why the fuck do you think it’s a democracy? You get what you put in. Stop being a manipulative dick.”

You sound lovely.

JenniferBarkley · 25/10/2022 14:25

"You know you're welcome here any time you want MIL. You can just pop round. The distance with my parents makes things awkward, so they need to stay and then we don't see them for ages. Don't worry, the DC know you're both equally granny."

And then leave it to her and DH.

Pumpkindoodles · 25/10/2022 14:26

You’re in the right
I think you can just deny,
‘no I don’t think we treat them different’ and change the conversation
minimise ‘yes of course, they live further away, this makes sense’ and change the conversation
or tell her the truth.

in my experience no reasoning, or confrontation helps because they do not wish to change, and the reality of the situation is irrelevant, they only want what they want. The conversation isn’t going to change until you give them what they want or they pick something new to want.
Obviously I don’t know if your MIL is the same as mine. But I typically choose simple truths - ‘well yes, because they actually help’ with no emotion, just fact and refuse to engage further, or I play dumb and don’t engage.

alternatively, if you think it’s something to rebuild, you could try to have a conversation and explain you’re really busy and your parent comes to help you, it’s not that they are getting more time, it’s that they are coming to do things for you. PIL are always welcome to visit, but you can’t always be a good host, like they may wish.
depends if you think they are whining because it’s ‘unfair’ or genuinely hurt and would like a better relationship with you and GC. It does sound more like the former since they turn down invitations to be included.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2022 14:28

I wouldn't lower myself by engaging with her.

lannistunut · 25/10/2022 14:29

I would just listen and say 'Oh, OK, I'll be sure to think about that' and then never bring the subject up again.

No one can invite themselves to stay in your home.

Arayes · 25/10/2022 14:30

I'd act bemused..."sorry MIL, are you suggesting I should treat you the same way as I treat my mother?" That would be really odd, wouldn't it?"
If she pushes I would tell the truth, "My mother babysits and helps us and wants to spend time with us....you don't. So of course it's different"

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 14:32

Why are you gender neutralising whether it's your mother or father, it's not like it's really going to change the advise given!?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/10/2022 14:34

Maybe you say that’s she’s right, your parents did stay over for a week or whatever. You didn’t have to host them, they came to help. You wouldn’t dream of asking PIL to do the same and they’ve made it clear that’s not what they want.

Ponoka7 · 25/10/2022 14:35

Be honest, your parents live too far away to do the drive without staying over. Tell her that she is welcome to take your DC out anytime that they want to, which is how it works with your parents, so they are equal. Tell her that she can drop in when she wants. If she does, stop the waiting on her. My DD has had to tell my sister straight that she's family, not a guest, so knows were the kettle is. Then get your DH on board to repeat that they can take your DC out, just like your parents do.

badbaduncle · 25/10/2022 14:40

I'd pretend to misunderstand and wind her up, but my MIL is a manipulative woman who drove me to tears repeatedly until I learned to make her leave me alone by being spiky and weird. Your main problem here is caring what MIL thinks of you. Stop and it'll all melt away.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/10/2022 14:43

My ils never had my mobile number for starters. The house phone - handed straight to dh if it was either of them. Suggest you try my method....

ClocksGoingBackwards · 25/10/2022 14:46

Tell her you’re sorry she feels that way but that you aren’t going to stop accepting offers of help when you get them, and if she’d like to make similar offers of help then she’d see her gc more too.

SureThingy · 25/10/2022 14:48

I wouldn’t engage with her on this.
Talk to dh about it and leave it with him.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Thatsplentyjack · 25/10/2022 14:49

Just ignore them. Don't take much to do with them at all.

Worthyornot · 25/10/2022 14:50

She doesn't deserve to be treated equally and she needs to be told that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/10/2022 14:50

What does your husband say? Surely if they asked him about it, it's up to him to respond?

I'd say a bland 'I'm sorry you feel like that, they stay over because they live so far away. If they lived closer, they wouldn't, or we would drive the children to theirs. If you'd like to see more of the grandkids then you're welcome to babysit at ours or yours, whatever is easiest, just let us know when suits'

endoflevelbaddy · 25/10/2022 14:54

I'd absolutely play dumb.
"I've been thinking the same MIL, it's so lovely of you to offer to have the GCs more. When do you want them?"

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/10/2022 14:55

If you want to stay and babysit we'd love that, there's a restaurant I want to try out. Or do you want to do the school runs? That would be lovely. Would it not be easier if the kids came to you for a night? I feel we'd be putting you out coming here when you're only 45 mins away.

If she says you treat us different, I'd say "in terms of help? That's fair I do generally ask mum and dad first, but I'll get dh to ring you the next time one of us is sick, thanks so much. I really appreciate it"

LaGioconda · 25/10/2022 15:32

Perfectly easy, isn't it? Just say "We've always made it clear you can come round whenever you want, the ball's in your court" and leave it at that. If they say they want to stay over, say that's fine, if it's on the same terms as when your mum comes, i.e. you will still be going out to work and they will be mucking in with the school run, cooking, washing up etc.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/10/2022 15:32

Fraaahnces · 25/10/2022 14:25

I would simply say “Why the fuck do you think it’s a democracy? You get what you put in. Stop being a manipulative dick.”

Maybe not exactly this wording but this just about covers the type of response they deserve (considering they backed out last minute on spending time with their grandchild(ren) when you were to attend a wedding).

Why isn't your DH putting a stop to their shenanigans???? Why isn't he saying "Well mum and dad, when Damned's parents/mum came to visit, they mucked in, they brought the kids to school and collected them too for us. They helped out around the house. You want to be treated as guests and not help out around the house or drop the kids to school or collect them for us. So, it's like comparing apples to giraffes. Completely different and different circumstances. You are most welcome to visit for a few hours but you haven't even done that yet either so I don't know why you think our children are dolls to be played with and put away when you're done. Let's leave the discussion there and move on".

Ultimately though the comments back have to come from HIM not you. Why isn't he standing up for his family (i.e. you)???