How would you respond to MIL about this?

[DamnedIfDoOrDont]

I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent.

My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the DC and make my life a lot easier as my DH works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my DC to school. PIL have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute and my parent drove 5 hours to look after my DC so I could go. PIL live 45 mins away and have never helped us.

So, MIL has said to DH that she is not treated equally with my parent. I suppose she doesn't like the fact that my DC get to spend more time with their other GP and go out for meals etc. Basically my PIL want to stay here for nights on end thinking they are on holiday with me hosting them. I don't want to do this because this is just more work for me and they only live down the road. If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often.

It's not just this either. If I invite my parent for Christmas, they refuse to come and childishly say things like "well, you won't want us there then". I used to include them a lot, but it is petty things like this that has made me say sod it, DH can deal with them.

PIL are very welcome to come here whenever they want, but they don't. It is not like I am massively favouring my parent over them. I am not. Mine is helping me out, whereas they don't want to.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does. Who IBU here?

I think this approach (similar in lots of other posts) would be a real mistake. Family relationships aren't transactional, they shouldn't only get to see the DC if they do some babysitting or housework. They were out of line with the wedding, but other than that it's ok. If you take this approach you'll look like a complete bitch to anyone they tell the story too - my DIL will only let me see the DGC if there's something in it for her.

Keep it light and breezy like I posted above. If that doesn't work, say you're not going to get between her and DH and she needs to be speak to him.

Why wait for her to bring it up with you, why not take the initiative and tell her you’ve heard via DH she is complaining about being treated unfairly. That will catch her off guard so you can deliver you’re pre-prepared speech about why she and FIL can’t possibly expect to be treated the same as a grandparent who gets involved willingly, unselfishly etc.

And with good reason.

Tell her the truth, you are not interested in the children, you are only interested in staying here when you could quite easily drive home, because you want a mini break and me to run around after you.

My parent help me, you do not, you want me to look after you, rather than you look after the children, quite frankly I have enough to do, I don't need anymore children to look after. X

It does not matter what you say. She’s an unreasonable person and you can’t make her be different.

I would perhaps try listening and just saying “I will think about this”. But it’s doubtful she’s going to suddenly recognize her own bad behavior.

Of course, it is normal for you to favour them! They are your parents! Secondly, it is cause and effect. They do sod all to help, so why should you put yourself out. If Mil has the nerve to raise the subject, tell her exactly that.

This crap is ALWAYS put on women. In the history of the world, have pils ever pulled their SIL aside to complain he’s not treating them the same as his own parents???

On reflection I agree with @JenniferBarkley. it’s very easy to post a pithy response online but real life is more nuanced and protecting good relationships between your dh and his dps, and your dc and their gps is the important thing.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks that’s fair enough, well said. My own mil expects to be waited on hand and foot and having small dcs it is ridiculous but I don’t expect her to help with them or mind them.
I think I thought the op said that she expected them to help practically and mind dcs in exchange for more time with them.
But mil is that demanding then fair enjoy she wants to reduce visits etc.

We don’t even know what the MIL has said yet, or is planning to say, if anything. It doesn’t seem right to just guess that she’s going to be wrong about everything and be ready to tell her to fuck off the minute she opens her mouth. This is only one side of the story.

Her perception of the dynamic might be very different from yours. Some people don’t expect to need to be “helpful” when they visit people. Maybe she finds your parent irritating, or gets pissed off by him/her involving themselves in everything “helpfully” whenever they’re both there. In her mind it may look like your parent is taking over or being overbearing. Most of us wouldn’t turn down an invite because certain people are there - unless we have a previous bad experience and don’t like/get along with them.

I think all you can do is redirect complaints to DH and make a conscious effort not to be obstructive to any reasonable plans they make. I’m only assuming there’s more to their side of the story here as otherwise it just looks like them moaning for absolutely no reason when they live fairly nearby and have every opportunity to spend quality time with you all. I think listening to what MIL has to say and having an open mind would be better than planning arsey replies in advance.

(not the MIL I swear, just looking for an alternative perspective here!)

MIL is jealous. Her baby boy is no longer completely under her control and she doesn't like it. You are being much nicer than I would be with her, probably because you love your husband and want to be nice to her because he loves her. Continue as you are. Ask your parents every Christmas and if MIL chooses to stay away so be it.

Sounds like PIL have an entitled mindset. They want all the rewards with none of the effort. While others say DH needs to take care of this, either he isn't going to OR he has tried and they won't listen to him. Either way it really boils down to you needing to fix it or deal with it for years to come. However you can use this to your advantage.

When they bring up that you don't treat them equally, lay a trap for them to walk through. Hopefully they do this in front of the whole family as that will help you. In the most loving tone you can muster say "I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. It wasn't intentional and I never realized it was happening". At this point they have just dropped their guard and can clearly see they are getting what they want. Or so they think.
"We need to fix this immediately. Since I didn't notice this to begin with, help me out here...please tell me every way I have been treating you unfairly." Grab pen and paper to take notes. Let them drone on and on about how awful you've been and every way you treated them differently. Nod your head in agreement. When they are done listing the ways, you now switch gears and spring the trap they so graciously built for you. "This is going to be lots of help. I know what we need to do now." Go to the list and go line by line... (obviously using your real history and not what I'm making up as examples)
"You were upset that my parent spent a whole week here last year and you didn't. That was the week I had the flu so they came down to watch the kids and take care of the house. Next time I get sick I'll just call you instead and since you're so close it won't be a problem for you to take care of me, the house and the kids".
"It bothered you that my parent gets to spend entire weekends with their grandchildren and you don't. DH and I have been talking about taking more romantic weekend trips just the two of us. He'll be so excited to hear you're going to spend time with your grandchildren and watch the kids for us when we go away."
Do not get defensive with any of this. Don't point out how helpful and great your parent is. But think.fast on your feet here. Repeat every thing that upset them, and for each one, tie in an action (or behavior) they they need to do (or have) in order to get their desired result. Like I said earlier this works better if it's in front of their side of the family because they can't paint you as the bad guy. It shows everyone that they arent getting what they wanted because they haven't been putting any effort into being grandparents.

The most likely outcomes I see are...

1. They don't like being called on the carpet for this, miraculously grow a heart and actually put forth effort.
2. They get upset with you, storm off and go low/no contact. I'm sure you won't cry too much over that.
3. They realize that you outsmarted them and boxed them into a corner. Though they still won't put in the effort, they realize they can't complain about being treated differently unless they put forth the effort. They are still cranky curmudgeons but they get off your back... about this anyway.

Hope everything works out for you in the end

Just reply that you’re exhausted what with DH working such long hours and your mother helps you a lot when she’s here. Washes pots, changes the kids, nursery drop offs. If they want to help out too, that’s great and would be appreciated. When are they available to help and how would they like to help out?

i think I would head anything off with “ well they are my parents so they are my responsibility, you are DH parents and he is responsible for arranging to see you” end of . Because at the end of the day, that is exactly true!

Well, thank goodness you delivered that advice 5 months after the OP posted.!