How would you respond to MIL about this?

[DamnedIfDoOrDont]

I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent.

My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the DC and make my life a lot easier as my DH works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my DC to school. PIL have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute and my parent drove 5 hours to look after my DC so I could go. PIL live 45 mins away and have never helped us.

So, MIL has said to DH that she is not treated equally with my parent. I suppose she doesn't like the fact that my DC get to spend more time with their other GP and go out for meals etc. Basically my PIL want to stay here for nights on end thinking they are on holiday with me hosting them. I don't want to do this because this is just more work for me and they only live down the road. If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often.

It's not just this either. If I invite my parent for Christmas, they refuse to come and childishly say things like "well, you won't want us there then". I used to include them a lot, but it is petty things like this that has made me say sod it, DH can deal with them.

PIL are very welcome to come here whenever they want, but they don't. It is not like I am massively favouring my parent over them. I am not. Mine is helping me out, whereas they don't want to.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does. Who IBU here?

Echoing all those saying push this back to your DH, her son. So many DGP have poorer relationships with their DGC due to misogyny and ineffectual men.

In-laws - 3 weeks post c section with sepsis. Mine been brilliant and step in to help.. in-laws offered help… by phone… yet to do anything useful

You sound like one of those idiots who are so anonymously brave on the internet but stupid cowards in real life.

You sound so immature, really that’s what you will say if you were in her shoes?

I’m sure the OP is mature and sensible enough to ignore ridiculous advice like this, she should stand her ground but do it politely and let her husband deal with most of it.

Please don't beat around the bush, that just builds more obstacles. "Yes, my Mum stays because she leaves further away. Yes, my Mum helps us out whereas you have only let us down."
In the normal world it should be DH's conversation to have, but on MN it often seems as if Mothers are the ones who do the hosting/make all the social arrangements.
As Moveoverdarlin says, at the end of the conversation explain you would love to have a closer relationship with them and ask if they can babysit/go to the nativity play etc. whatever suits you...then make it clear how you feel should they let you down again.

I'd be tempted to call their bluff, make sure they know what your parent does while they're staying with you. Say you think it's lovely that your PILs want to be more involved & you'll let the school know they will be dropping the kids off & picking them up sometimes, the kids eat at X time, they have clubs on certain nights, etc. And of course you'll be very grateful for the break & will do your best to accommodate them, given that you'll still be working full time but it will be such a rest for you not to have to worry about the school run etc sometimes. Maybe you can even have the occasional date night with your DH, how kind your PILs are for offering to babysit.

I would tell them they can babysit or take the children to school or cook you dinner or clean any time they like. Just like your DM does.

My DM was like your MIL. On the few occasions she came I had double the work. She wanted her food when she wanted it, to be entertained by me, to do the stuff she wanted to do. I still took my DS to school, picked him up, cooked, washed up. She didn't even try to play with my DS. She sat there and talked about how great she was. So I stopped it. And she hated it that my DF really helped and had a fantastic relationship with my DS.

I think you’ll find that my parents have been a lot more reliable than you have…

This. Its the diplomatic way, if as suggested you think there is something to rebuild.
but
ultimately the relationship you have with your parent is absolutely none of MIL's business and she doesn't get to dictate how often you see your DM, whether she stays over at YOUR house after driving for 5 hour and how much your DM sees your children.

Just reply with specific situations your parents are involved in, that MiL doesn't want to be.

Oh yes, like when they baby sat so we could go to the wedding? It was such a shame you couldn't.

Oh yes, come and stay when I'm ill, to do the school runs? Oh that would be wonderful.

Did you want to have the DC for a few days in the holidays, so DH and I can work? Great! That will make things much easier.

I would say exactly this in a calm and matter of fact way.
The are close enough to pop in regularly and see their grandchildren and should arrange this with DH as you can't say when would be convenient for him and you both have FT jobs.

If she gets cross simply tell her that you are sorry she feels that way. (You're not sorry obvs)
I would also point out to your DH that if he invites them he is obliged to host them so if she goes off on one he is quite clear of your expectations.

They are being rather childish by saying it's either them or us. We aren't coming if they are there YANBU.

"No you're not equal! You're unreliable and don't help out. And why would you want to stay over, you only live down the road"

Tbh it is for your dh to head this off if it's been mentioned to him.

You didn't marry your MIL you married her son. For you to favour your own parents and enjoy spending time with them is nothing you have you need to apologise for. Your parents are more involved and therefor there will be a different dynamic. Not your problem, not even a problem at all. DH should speak to his parents and ask what exactly they want. You can just tell MIL that you love your parents more and love spending time with them 😁

Tell them all the things your mum does when she visits you.

In recent years my mum seems to have developed bumstucktoseatitis in my house. She just sits there expecting to be waited on 🙄. Low point was when l did a 3 course Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and no assistance. She wouldn’t wash up and neither would my brother. Her demands are endless and annoying. So yeah l can see how someone’s prescience can increase the workload rather then reduce it

In OP shoes then l would be blunt and say when your parents come then they actually contribute. Her and her husband are busy people and under pressure so don’t have the time or resources to host people all the time. Plus it’s not the IL’s place to comment on her relationship, with her parents

It is a very childish perspective l agree

I'd book things in with them that suit you such as doing a school run etc and give them enough rope to hang themselves when they let you down. Keep note so you have examples of why you're not asking them again. I'd definitely be saying no to staying over too when they stay so close and wouldn't help around the house - sure your DH will agree to do all the hosting chores with good intentions and then it will inevitably end up with you doing it all in reality

They sound really awful. ANYONE who spitefully let me down for a wedding would be dead to me. I would be telling your husband that he needs to sort his side out as you are loosing patience. Your mother is obviously wonderful, particularly to have stepped in like that. Do you have assertiveness issues because you have a perfect reason in the wedding debacle to never see them again. Let your husband visit them. Don't allow her to bully you.

So @DamnedIfDoOrDont so your mil pils have to help practically or babysit in order to be close to their own grandchildren. Maybe they don’t want to , are too tired , don’t like the responsibility, they have raised and presumably done a great job raising their own child , your husband . It’s amazing that your parents help , it’s such a massive bonus , my pils and my own parents have never babysat ever and my pils actually cause work but my parents don’t. I still wouldn’t stop them from seeing their own gc. I know you said they are more than welcome but in another sentence you mention you don’t want the work of hosting them.
I just think life is short and your husband is their son and was once their little baby and unless they a really awful or demanding or something it’s often good just to take the high road or be the bigger person . That’s just my opinion and ive had zero help from family with any of my three dcs.

I’d do “lol it’s not exactly a holiday for my parent when he/she visits; cooking, cleaning, ironing, tidying up, school runs, babysitting while they’re here, the list goes on”.

That should put them off.

Why do you think your MIL is going to have a word with you about it? Has your DH said this? What does he think about this situation?

I agree - they don't sound great from what you've said: spiteful, entitled and emotionally immature. Yet they expect all the rewards of parents/grandparents who are the opposite.

If she does confront you then I definitely wouldn't be taking on that kind of conversation with her without, at the very least, your DH being there and going 50%+ of the responding.

Your DH is being unreasonable in not being honest with his parents about them taking the piss, being rude and not supporting you all as a family.

Anonymity?

OP doesn't want to be outed in RL.

If she does approach I would guess it's more about her saying her piece than anything else. Hard to reason with that as its not from a place of live and understanding.

"That's a shame that you feel like that. However, my relationship with my mum is entirely about the two of us. I don't compare the time I spend with her to the time I spend with anyone else - she's my mum. If this is about your time with the grandchildren then please tell DH how you feel as time spent with his family is mainly based on him. I would appreciate you not bringing my mum into this again."

Nip it in the bud (if it happens). Polite but clear that this is a boundary for you.

Fight fire with fire. I think you let her off lightly for screwing your over with the wedding babysitting. If/when it comes up don’t respond to what she says and instead raise your own grievance over how disappointing and upsetting it was when she let you down and how you’re still struggling to get over it. Lay it on thick. If she has a tendency to be childish there’s no point trying to reason with or her take the higher ground.