How would you respond to MIL about this?

[DamnedIfDoOrDont]

I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent.

My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the DC and make my life a lot easier as my DH works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my DC to school. PIL have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute and my parent drove 5 hours to look after my DC so I could go. PIL live 45 mins away and have never helped us.

So, MIL has said to DH that she is not treated equally with my parent. I suppose she doesn't like the fact that my DC get to spend more time with their other GP and go out for meals etc. Basically my PIL want to stay here for nights on end thinking they are on holiday with me hosting them. I don't want to do this because this is just more work for me and they only live down the road. If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often.

It's not just this either. If I invite my parent for Christmas, they refuse to come and childishly say things like "well, you won't want us there then". I used to include them a lot, but it is petty things like this that has made me say sod it, DH can deal with them.

PIL are very welcome to come here whenever they want, but they don't. It is not like I am massively favouring my parent over them. I am not. Mine is helping me out, whereas they don't want to.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does. Who IBU here?

This is a decent reply if she says anything.

It was my Dp that were like your inlaws my mil was brilliant my dc are adults now and they missed so much grandparents time because my parents had different priorities. You can't force your inlaws to take an active part but I think they reap what they sow.

YANBU. Yours sound like my in laws and I get how tiresome it is. Apparently I block them having a relationship with their grandchildren.

Posted too soon.
This summer we'd had a meet planned for months. They cancelled (by text) on the morning. 3 days later we got an email complaining that they never see us
I'm so done with them.

I'm so using this!! Best response!!

This falls neatly into a DH problem. It’s his job to facilitate a relationship with his kids and parents not yours. Tell him to deal with it. If MIL confronts you tell her it’s something she needs to work out with her son if she wants to build a closer relationship

'Brilliant, let dh know when you're staying. He's really looking forward to running around, cleaning and shopping for you. You can really give dh a hand with everything. When my mum comes she mucks in and babysits and it's lovely. I know dh is really looking forward to that support from you'

I think your MIL is waiting for you to argue back, I wouldn't. I would agree with her. Yes you are completely right we don't treat you the same because you don't behave/act the same. My parents babysit, you have let me down with babysitting, my parents make my life easier by helping out however you make it more difficult as you add to my load by behaving like guests.

Sadly we have had this exact conversation with my ILs. And pointed out the above, except for the babysitting, they did occasionally do that. However, my Mum had a key and would let herself in (pre-arranged visit) would do the school run for me, if she missed the school run due to traffic then she would make herself a drink and if the tumble dryer finished, empty it and start folding clothes. PIL behaved as guests, wanted to be waiting on. They also made us guests in their house despite it being Dh's childhood home. It was if when he moved out he was no longer allowed to make himself a drink. He had to wait to be offered one. So we pointed out they treat us differently than my parents do.

I will say that our relationship massively improved when they heard our side of the situation. Did it change them? Not really but we all knew where we stood. Our relationship went from a bit strained to being really good, laughing and joking with them. We felt like we went from being formal to much more casual and Dh just decided screw it and made himself cups of coffee in their house

I wouldn't say this out loud but I'd be shrieking it in my head.... 😆

It's not up to you to maintain a relationship between your DC and PIL's, that's your DH's job. You are doing what you can to make sure your parents have a relationsip with the DC, that's all you need to do. If she starts talking to you about that, just tell her to speak to her son instead.

OP, your PIL sound childish and petulant. What are your DH's thoughts on the matter? Frankly, he should have nipped this in the bud with his mother when she raised it with him.

Probably has to shop at Next.

Whoops wrong thread

I'd probably feign ignorance. "What do you mean? Well of course, they live so far they need to stay over - why is that a problem? Surely you don't want to stay in our spare room when you live 45 mins away? Why?" etc.

I would say "Well no you aren't treated the same as my parents by me because you are not my parent, it's that simple. I host my parents, you are welcome here always but talk to your son about him hosting you as his parent. You aren't comparing like for like here and honestly I am not pandering to this either, I will not justify the relationship I have with my parents to you. I don't treat equally because to me you aren't equal"

Shut that shit down

Don’t say anything, just say oh I can’t get involved x ( your husband her son) wants to discuss it with you, then smile sweetly and change the conversation topic or walk away

I would just say basically what you have put in your post. If she doesn't like hearing the truth then it's her problem not yours. She sounds like she wants her cake and eat it. How does she expect to be treated the same as your parent when they don't remotely help you out in any way.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does.

You immediately put her on the back foot by saying " You're quite right, my mum does a lot more. The thing is, Mum is my mother so it's really easy to ask her when I need help because I know she won't mind; she loves babysitting and helping round the house. She just makes straight for the to-do list.

What's the to-do list? Heavens, did DH never show you? It's here, on the back of this cupboard door. DH and I keep a list of little jobs that need doing, shopping lists etc, and tick off the ones we've done. Don't be shy, just dive right in. Now, when would you like to babysit? "

Of course you shouldn't have to treat your inlaws the same but do you ever invite them round? You don't really have a "popping in" relationship. Also, do they ever invite you to theirs?

My in laws are similar, but luckily don't care enough to say anything. They live less than half an hour away and we see them maybe 4 times a year (that's usually if we really push and try our hardest to coax a time we can see them out of them). However MIL will throw a tantrum (and has done previously) if she thinks she has been left out of something. I'm talking crying, screaming, calling me all the names of the day, running around the house slamming doors... DP more or less has to tell her she can air any issues she has when she's able to do it in an adult manner, and leaves her to it. I literally take nothing to do with it. I would say your DP should do the same - partly why mine deals with his is because he tells them it isn't just "her/that woman/whatever I am that day" that feels a certain way, he does too.

Maybe the parent is gender neutral. Maybe OP feels specifying her parent’s gender outs her when combined with the other details – I often do this. If it doesn’t matter to the advice given, it doesn’t matter.

OP, if MIL does confront you: over the phone, you can say, “Oh, you want to talk to DP” and hand the phone over. Via text/WhatsApp, a straightforward ignore and a handy mute (though I’d be tempted to reply “?” and escalate to “??” and “???” the more she pushes). In person, a confused frown and again, hand her over to DP. Don’t engage with her making it in issue: you treating her different isn’t an issue for you! It’s fine!

This is exactly what to say. Also, emphasise the staying over is because of the distance but they are welcome to babysit and help out just like your mum does and you really appreciate the offer.

Why does she want a word with you? It sounds like you should be having a word with her. I’d get in first and mention to her all the things you’ve said. It’s time for her to step and and be the solution not the problem.

The situation with my parents and in-laws is EXACTLY the same. I could have written this myself. If she approaches you about this, it’s probably best to be honest and say ‘it’s great that you want to be more involved, the kids will be delighted. Ooh now you’ve mentioned it, my Mum was due to come down (which takes her 5 hours) on xxth December because me and DH have got a do, but it would be great if you could come here and babysit?’ Try your luck and test her. See what she says, she’ll probably make some lame excuse and not want to do it if she’s anything like my MIL. If she says no she hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

I'd just tell her to speak to DH.

Fuck getting into it all! She's your mum and you can do what you like. Mil is DHS mum and he can do what he likes. You are not responsible for her or her feelings.

The minute she starts, just say, oh you need to talk to Mike about this, not me.

I wouldn't respond. That's DH's job - it's his parents not yours.