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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would you respond to MIL about this?

115 replies

DamnedIfDoOrDont · 25/10/2022 14:16

I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent.

My parent lives 5 hours away and comes to stay with me a couple of times a year. Whilst here, they are really helpful with the DC and make my life a lot easier as my DH works very long hours and I work too. A couple of years ago I was really sick and my parent came and looked after me and ferried my DC to school. PIL have never helped me out, and once they agreed to babysit whilst I went to a wedding and they spitefully backed out at the last minute and my parent drove 5 hours to look after my DC so I could go. PIL live 45 mins away and have never helped us.

So, MIL has said to DH that she is not treated equally with my parent. I suppose she doesn't like the fact that my DC get to spend more time with their other GP and go out for meals etc. Basically my PIL want to stay here for nights on end thinking they are on holiday with me hosting them. I don't want to do this because this is just more work for me and they only live down the road. If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often.

It's not just this either. If I invite my parent for Christmas, they refuse to come and childishly say things like "well, you won't want us there then". I used to include them a lot, but it is petty things like this that has made me say sod it, DH can deal with them.

PIL are very welcome to come here whenever they want, but they don't. It is not like I am massively favouring my parent over them. I am not. Mine is helping me out, whereas they don't want to.

I think MIL is going to have a word with me, and I am not sure what to say if she does. Who IBU here?

OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 25/10/2022 18:00

I don’t think a relationship should be based on what someone does for you, but upthread a pp talked about the Op’s
dps behaving like part of the household when staying rather than guests. I know how it feels to have ILs who expect to be waited in hang and foot. It’s not how families should behave.

elephantseal · 25/10/2022 18:07

girlmom21 · 25/10/2022 14:21

I'd be very clear. The relationship is entirely different because the dynamic is different. Your parent mucks in, wants to help and is reliable. You can count on your parent to be a part of the household when they're there and not a guest.

When you've asked the IL's for help, they've let you down. When they have been to your home, they act like guests and expect to be waited on - which is fine but then they need to understand they'll also be treated as such as will outstay their welcome if they expect it regularly or for prolonged periods of time.

Just be honest about the differences. Although DH should have already done that rather than you being put in this position.

Exactly this. You treat them differently because they both treat you differently, and the dynamic is different.

Hellybelly84 · 25/10/2022 18:13

They need a reality check of how exhausting it is raising kids and both working. If they are 45 mins away, they should be offering to take the kids out or having days out with you etc, but why would they make your life harder wanting to stay over. Ours are both around 45 mins/1 hour away and we only stay over at Xmas (or kids have a sleepover). Sounds like there are jealousy issues but it should be your Husband having a chat with them, not you.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 25/10/2022 18:16

I know what you mean OP

When Mil Announces a visit I think shit, better do a tidy up and make sure DD’s got a nice clean outfit on, or she might comment and it will play on my mind

when my mum comes round I think thank god, she can hoover and deal with dd whilst I have a brew 😂

Pipsquiggle · 25/10/2022 18:18

God they sound annoying. Can your DH just deal with them?

Make sure you and DH are on the same page

If she pointedly brings it up with you, just say 'Oh it would be great if you helped out more. When can I bring the kids round?'

LadyVic · 25/10/2022 18:18

I could have written this post! My MIL has always said this, when my parents come over they want to take the DC's out for a day trip, or they will cook, iron anything we need doing, and play with the children. MIL would come over, demand tea, look at the children but not play, and lived 10 minutes up the road. Wouldnt babysit, but objected when my parents would drive 100 miles to do so. She recently moved 300 miles away and now we get complaints that she doesnt see the GC anymore as Im too selfish to drive there for a cup of tea and some biscuits and drive back, 7 hours driving.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/10/2022 18:28

justdontkno1 · 25/10/2022 17:40

So @DamnedIfDoOrDont so your mil pils have to help practically or babysit in order to be close to their own grandchildren. Maybe they don’t want to , are too tired , don’t like the responsibility, they have raised and presumably done a great job raising their own child , your husband . It’s amazing that your parents help , it’s such a massive bonus , my pils and my own parents have never babysat ever and my pils actually cause work but my parents don’t. I still wouldn’t stop them from seeing their own gc. I know you said they are more than welcome but in another sentence you mention you don’t want the work of hosting them.
I just think life is short and your husband is their son and was once their little baby and unless they a really awful or demanding or something it’s often good just to take the high road or be the bigger person . That’s just my opinion and ive had zero help from family with any of my three dcs.

OP has not stopped her MiL having a relationship with her own grandchildren. MiL lives 45 minutes away and is at liberty to visit, but opts not to unless it's on her own terms.

Whether she pitches in and helps or not, she's significantly adding to OP's/DH's work burden if she expects to stay for days and be waited on as if she's in a hotel. With small children, that burden is already heavy enough as it is.

I, also, don't expect my life will necessarily be made easier by people helping us with our young DC. This is fortunate as it's something we're never going to get, my own parents being long since dead. But I'll be damned if I'm going to have things made even harder by someone who expects much but is willing to give back precisely nothing, not even a measure of compromise as to the nature of her visits.

The situation MiL is in is entirely of her own making. This, however, is often twisted to the tune of 'evil DiL won't let me have a relationship with my own DGC'. In this position I'd be unwilling either to pander to this everlasting parrot cry of blaming the nearest available woman, or justify my relationship with my own mother.

It was her choice.

DixonD · 25/10/2022 18:31

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2022 14:32

Why are you gender neutralising whether it's your mother or father, it's not like it's really going to change the advise given!?

This. It’s weird and doesn’t read very well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/10/2022 18:31

"I think my MIL is going to confront me about her and FIL not being "treated equally" with my parent."
'Confront' - do you think she'll do this face-to-face, over the phone, or by text/email?

Text/email, you don'r respond at all, your husband does. Phone, you hand the phone to him. If she calls you when he's not there, you respond that she needs to speak to her son about that, and politely end the call. If she goes for face-to-face, it sounds as if it will be a prearranged (rare!) visit and again - you pass her over to her son to deal with.

She is not your problem, she is his. Do not allow her to make herself your problem, just pass her straight to her son.

So, your husband - have you discussed this with him, and are you on the same page? How did he feel about them pulling out of babysitting for the wedding you were going to?

"If my parent lived 45 mins away, they wouldn't be staying over, or not that often."
I would probably have that phrase practiced, ready for it to roll off my tongue like muscle memory.

Laiste · 25/10/2022 18:33

I'd say, pleasantly, ''My relationship with my mother is my business. If you have a problem with your relationship with your son i suggest it's him you need to talk to''.

And head tilt.

Laiste · 25/10/2022 18:38

I would guess the reason OP is saying 'parent' is to avoid the usual knee jerk reactions from some posters who see 'my mother' vs 'his mother' and immediately jump to 'poor paternal MILs always get the shit end of the stick' and ''Wait till your son grows up ect ect ect'' rhetoric 🙄

MarthasMum30 · 25/10/2022 18:39

In Law politics can be really tricky but I’d try to to worry about something before it has even happened - you’re essentially putting yourself through it twice.
If you are approached, just go down the line of different dynamic due to logistics.
It is more an issue for your other half to manage/ set expectations.

MarthasMum30 · 25/10/2022 18:40
  • try not.
theremustonlybeone · 25/10/2022 18:44

I can't begin to imagine how she would start the conversation.

If what you have stated is true i would simply list them off and tell her to bog off

theremustonlybeone · 25/10/2022 18:44

Laiste agree with you

GoldenCupidon · 25/10/2022 18:45

ClocksGoingBackwards · 25/10/2022 14:46

Tell her you’re sorry she feels that way but that you aren’t going to stop accepting offers of help when you get them, and if she’d like to make similar offers of help then she’d see her gc more too.

Yes - this one

XanaduKira · 25/10/2022 18:49

Snoken · 25/10/2022 16:08

It's not up to you to maintain a relationship between your DC and PIL's, that's your DH's job. You are doing what you can to make sure your parents have a relationsip with the DC, that's all you need to do. If she starts talking to you about that, just tell her to speak to her son instead.

This absolutely!

I'd also be tempted to point out how much your parents helps out and can be relied upon and they can't, however it's probably best not saying anything like this. If she's spoiling for a fight, don't give her one, point her in DHs direction.

billy1966 · 25/10/2022 18:54

Pirrin · 25/10/2022 17:55

If she does approach I would guess it's more about her saying her piece than anything else. Hard to reason with that as its not from a place of live and understanding.

"That's a shame that you feel like that. However, my relationship with my mum is entirely about the two of us. I don't compare the time I spend with her to the time I spend with anyone else - she's my mum. If this is about your time with the grandchildren then please tell DH how you feel as time spent with his family is mainly based on him. I would appreciate you not bringing my mum into this again."

Nip it in the bud (if it happens). Polite but clear that this is a boundary for you.

Good post.

GinIronic · 25/10/2022 18:56

Fraaahnces · 25/10/2022 14:25

I would simply say “Why the fuck do you think it’s a democracy? You get what you put in. Stop being a manipulative dick.”

Agreed.

saraclara · 25/10/2022 18:56

"You know you're welcome here any time you want MIL. You can just pop round. The distance with my parents makes things awkward, so they need to stay and then we don't see them for ages. Don't worry, the DC know you're both equally granny."

Words to that effect. Focus on the practical element that she can't argue with. And how lucky MIL is that she doesn't have to go six months without seeing her son and grandkids.

And yes, then leave it to your DH.

Whatsleftnow · 25/10/2022 19:03

“Oh I’m so glad you’ve brought this up. My dos have been such a support to us. It’s wonderful that you feel you can take more on now. Which days would you like to mind dc? “

StripeyDeckchair · 25/10/2022 19:05

My response would be

  • my parents are reliable, if I ask them to do something and they agree then I can rely on them. In the past you've agreed to do something for us and then dropped out at the last minute.
They help us out when they're here and don't sit around waiting to be entertained, feed and served drinks, unlike you. They support us and don't judge us or offer unwanted advice. And yes, my parents stay when they visit. They live too far away not to. Aren't you lucky to be able to go home & sleep in your own bed? And not be woken by the kids at 6am?
Goosygandy · 25/10/2022 19:07

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2022 17:50

Your DH is being unreasonable in not being honest with his parents about them taking the piss, being rude and not supporting you all as a family.

Exactly this! Why is he passing this down to you to deal with? Why has he not been standing up for you and allowing his mother to bad mouth you? Why didn't he go mad at them for letting you down over the wedding.

Your PiL are behaving appallingly because your DH is allowing them to get away with it.

beakyboo10 · 25/10/2022 19:39

Let your husband deal with her, chances are she will bring it up with your husband and not mention it to you directly.

My MIL complained that I didn't make her welcome when her grandson was born, apparently me trying to breastfeed and having a very painful episiotomy meant that I didn't offer her a cup of tea.

Hoppinggreen · 25/10/2022 19:41

“Oh dear, it’s a shame you feel like that”
change subject and let your H deal with it