Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Ah so up started a thread so more fat phobic shit stirring could occur.great.what a fucked up diet culture society we are sending our kids into.
Body dismorphia and eating disorders anyone?people hating themselves anyone?more bullshit on weight = HEALTH anyone

You can't say weight doesn't equal health! Someone fat might start to like themselves and we can't have that!

Everyone is so large these days that people are in denial. 110kg at 5’7 and a BMI of 38 (obese). That’s pretty big.

This
16 stone? Are you sure OP?I thought you were going to say 35 stone or something. My husband weighs that and doesnt fit that description in the slightest.
Not sure would offer surgery for 16 stone unless hes only short.

it's ok, @Mylittlesandwich it's easily done and as you know the subject of weight can get a bit strange on here.

I assume most people on here are idiotic fantasists. Good entertainment value only.
getting that way myself, unfortunately, because over the years i have actually picked up some useful tips and info on MN

Fat people know they are fat, ffs.

Wait, what? He weighs 105kg? I am a similar weight and overweight but not obese (I am very tall) I don't have an issue with any of the things you describe... is this a fitness issue, or mental health issue?

Unless he is quite short I am not sure how he could be so severely impacted by this weight?

This is spot on.

The British perception of a healthy weight is totally skewed.

OPs husband is nearly 30kg overweight for his height. That's definitely in the obese category.

OP is allowed to be worried about his health, their marriage and the children.

You can't say weight doesn't equal health! Someone fat might start to like themselves and we can't have that!

and

Fat people know they are fat, ffs.

are interesting comments (let's turn this thread into something useful before it gets zapped, eh?)

There is nothing wrong with body positivity, and i'm glad to see a move (by some at least) away from fat- and skinny-shaming. (two sides of the same coin). But some people do seem blissfully unaware of the problems that carrying too much weight can cause further down the line. And that looking large does not equal being unfit and so on.

For me it's more about how efficient my heart is (and getting out of the sloth that the lockdown and afterwards have induced in me) and how healthy i am. Not completely unrelated to my weight, but not entirely.

This is batshit and an insult to disabled people.

I'm heavier than that and it doesn't stop me doing anything. Are you sure that there are no underlying health problems there?

I mean it's obese, yeah and there's the odd seat I won't fit in if its a ride geared towards kids but I still manage to be active, go on days out where we're walking around all day, chasing the kids and stuff. He shouldn't be THAT exhausted just from his weight. Would he see a doctor about it?

For me it would be more about his attitude rather than the fact that he's obese. If it's that bad that he genuinely can't do the stuff most parents would do, but doesn't see that as an issue and uses being obese as an excuse, while showing no genuine effort to change, then for me, I wouldn't be happy. And I'd say the exact same thing if the genders were reversed.

Is there a chance he wants to change deep down, but he's scared and doesn't know where to start? If so, small steps, like taking a 15 minute walk every day and gradually building on it can really help. I lost 3 stone using the app Nutracheck, that might be an option for him as well.

Ah shit I saw someone qoated me and was shitting myself waiting for the vile response.and instead your was perfect. I hope you love yourself today😊ooh unless your a fatty.

This is what 16 stone looks like on 176cm.
Yes, I'm obese.
Unhealthy? No.

It's fine to leave your partner for any reason you like.

However, 110kg isn't anything like as big as you make out in your OP. It certainly isn't a blocker to going on rides (not really sure why that's so important anyway but there we go). If he wants to jump out of a plane, go bungee jumping etc he needs to cut a bit of timber. Is he just lazy? Is he depressed?

For context, I'm the same height and weigh more. I've opted for CBT and surgery after many years of battling with my weight. My husband has been nothing but tremendously supportive at every point over the years, though I know he worries. If he'd have asked me to get surgery so he could find me more attractive or better fit in with his ideal lifestyle I think I'd have had a breakdown and then left him.

Are you the poster who posts constantly about your fat partner?

I’m wondering if there is something else going on as well, such as a thyroid problem? It’s difficult if he won’t go to the GP (a reluctance with which I sympathise as I am heavy myself) Could you send away for one of those blood test kits that you pay for and send to a lab? He really isn’t hugely heavy and although he might be too large for some rides etc, it’s not heavy enough to cause such physical exhaustion and lethargy. He could also be depressed and, if so, treatment for this would give him more motivation at least. Rather than leaving him, would you feel able to give him an ultimatum, to get help with his health?

110kg is 17.5 stone not 16. Ops dh is only 5”7”. His bmi is 38. A bmi of 40 or over is considered morbidly obese. I don’t think the op is being unreasonable to be really concerned about him. He should be about 73kg. He needs to lose about 5-6 stone and that is a lot. If he is very tired and sleeping all the time and putting on weight and needing to eat then I suggest his pre diabetes may be back. Age is not on your side with diabetes. Weight affects people differently while some poster may be galavanting around at 400kg some won’t do well at all with even being overweight let alone being obese.

OP, getting the sleep apnoea sorted will do wonders for his energy levels. Most people with sleep apnoea are exhausted in the daytime as all the breathing pauses/choking in their sleep means they're not getting enough oxygen in their blood. Their body keeps 'waking them up' so they never reach a deep level of sleep.

If he's refusing to see a doctor, or get referred to a sleep clinic, there are things he can do himself to deal with it. Mild/moderate sleep apnoea sufferers are often recommended an oral device instead of CPAP. Even if he's a severe sufferer, wearing an oral device is miles better than doing nothing at all to treat it. My OH bought a snoreeze one and it changed both our lives. They also do an app now - maybe you can ask him to use it to record himself so he can see how bad the problem is? It will flag all the health risks around sleep apnoea to him too.

Friend's husband was the same. You can't save him. You can save your kids.

I couldn’t put up with that myself OP. Maybe it’s ultimatum time

No. It’s not just about fitness and flexibility but the actual mass of FAT getting in the way of that.

I have been fat and thin and fit with both (I walk and do yoga a lot) so there isn’t a fitness or flexibility issue but a huge that’s a fat belly/boobs/arse I just can’t get my average length arms around or push out the way to tie my shoes/fit through that gap/use the safety stuff provided.

losing weight is the only way to deal with the physical issue of body mass getting in the way.

How does 105kg stop you going on any rides?

Iv seen far fatter people go on rides!

And although 105kg for 5’7 isn’t small it’s certainly shouldn’t be described as a disability and it’s an insult to disabled people!!

No one is saying that 110kg is normal weight, just that it isn't fat enough for the behaviour OP describes. There's a range of fatness, for goodness' sakes. I'm taller than OP's husband and weigh a bit less, and the things I can't do now I couldn't do when I was thin either.

I think NHS criteria is BMI of 40 for surgery, and after did the pre-op diet he'd be below 35. So that's not really an option. He doesn't currently have a comorbid condition that would qualify him at a lower weight.

I really would suggest he see a doctor because something else may be going on. Sleep apnea is absolutely not helping and would prevent weight loss if he did try.

That’s awesome that your OH managed it. I keep trying. I fall back down and gain weight again but keep reminding myself if I didn’t keep trying and losing in between it would be lots worse for