Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Save them from what? Accidentally rolling over and crushing them?

I'd imagine the sleep apnea and possibly diabetes (and I'd want to get his thyroid checked) all have a lot more to do with his energy levels than the obesity itself. Although it is obviously all linked. I'm probably a similar BMI tbh and it doesn't stop me from doing anything with the kids. I'm on my feet all day with work, walk the dog every day etc. It sounds like he feels like shit and that needs to be addressed. He does need to take responsibility for that but it can be hard when you're feeling rubbish. I can imagine it is very frustrating to live with but I'm not sure I'd break up a marriage over it.

He's not heavy enough for surgery at 16 and a half stone. Is he very short? If he's like 5ft I can see it might be a problem but how tall is he?

He is 16 and a half stone! Unless there is a massive drip feed that he is 5 feet tall; a rugby player will weight more than that! Are you usually this dramatic?

OP confirmed he is 5 ft 7 so yes it is pretty heavy, although that being said still not heavy enough imo to cause all the issues she's describing.

My DH weighs about the same but he's 6ft1, he does have a bit of a gut but he is pretty fit, he mountain bikes, climbs, surfs etc.

Nobody is saying that it's healthy. We're just saying that it shouldn't stop him from being more active. Plenty of people that weight (including me) can still do sports, run after kids and tie shoelaces. That's a matter of doing more exercise and stretches.

I am in fact fat so I will be dutifully staring at a lettuce until society accepts me again.

I'd leave. Sooner rather than later.

He left in 2020 and returned. Feel to report though. Him leaving wasn’t weight related. He incidentally is very judgmental of women who gain weight, I always stayed on top on my weight.
The poster who asked whether my kids are an okay weight, they’re extremely active. Both love sports which is why I’ve crashed and burnt today. I think I was looking for sympathy for this. I know he’ll never sort his health out.

No. Most are talking about his fitness/activity levels and oossible sleep apnoe (which can be deadly). Not if he is attractive or not. You post like you have a massive chip on your shoulder. And I say that as a person of similar weight as OP's husband.

Wait.... just seen someone commented he's like 16 stone?! No I take it back, I was picturing some huge person. I'm at 14 stone now myself and, yes I'm a size 14/16 and fat but I'm not THAT fat. OP I think he's just lazy.

I can understand how you feel about your husband.

One of my close friends has a male friend who is a tall man with a big build who I will call John. My friend was overweight as well and a few years ago she said to John we both need to lose some weight because otherwise we will end up with health issues like diabetes.
John attitude was so what if I get diabetes.

My friend lost weight and John continued to put on weight.
John now has type 2 diabetes, sleep apnoea and high blood pressure. He has been in hospital a few times due to his blood pressure going extremely high. His diabetes meds are being changed a lot as well to control it.

My friend lost a few stone back then with slimming world. She could eat plenty of good food.
She had syns each day so she use a few for a bit of chocolate. She started to cook more food from scratch, eat more fruit and vegetables. I know that slimming world have men only classes as well.

At this stage you need to sit down with your husband when the kids are not their and tell him that your worried about his weight. Tell him that you had enough of him refusing to do anything about and this is his last chance with you. He either does something about his weight or it over because you can't bring up your children and mind him after he has a stroke or heart attack. Tell him that the kids need both of you well to bring them up.
I would tell him about slimming world, show him the website and get him to join them. Get him to do body magic as it will help get his fitness back and help him lose weight.
You need to bring him to his doctor for a health check and go in with him. He may have sleep apnoea ect. Perhaps been told by a doctor that he needs to lose weight for health issues might help him as well.

I know it won't be an easy conversation to have with him but you had enough of watching him getting heavier and he is not physically able to do much with the kids. The reality is that you have kids and you both need to stay as well as possible to bring them up. You don't know what could happen either of you in the future and the other person needs to be fit enough to mind the kids if the other person is not well. I know several men who were left to bring up kids after their wives died as well so that why you both need to look after your health.

Well I weigh 138 kg and single parent after separation from an actual disabled person. So
YABVU to state he is basically disabled when he is not. You actually sound like a charmer.
I’ve just been on a flume with my dc, roller skate with them and frequently go on theme park rides with them, so unless your dh is 4”10 then your taking shit.

My BMI is 48 and I can do most things with my kids so I do think there is an element of him not being bothered. Yes I'm not great at running around playing football etc but I will do lots of other stuff. I also don't need to sleep all the time. I work full time (probably average of 60 hours a week!), take the kids to activities when I can during the week and we are always doing stuff at the weekend. If we watch a movie on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon I might fall asleep on the sofa but I'm not off sleeping at every opportunity.
I don't think the weight is the biggest issue, I think he can't be bothered and it is an excuse.

He doesn’t weigh anything like enough to consider surgery! I’ve just converted kilos to stones. 17.3 stone. Yes it’s overweight for a 5ft 7 man but not, to my mind, disastrously so. Surgery seems very drastic.

OP leaving in 2020 may have had nothing to do with his weight but it suggests there's more going on here than just his weight. If this man wanted to help you and be active and present in his kids lives he could. His size is not enough to stop him. He's choosing to sit out. And from the previous issues you've had with him I'd be gone anyway.

It’s the sleep apnoea causing his issues, not the weight. I have sleep apnoea and am just 12 stone it doesn’t have to be related (although his bmi is high). It’s a totally debilitating and exhausting condition - it’s his main problem I’m sure. Esp with all that daytime sleeping. Why won’t he go to the doc about that?? He’d feel a million times better if he was treated!! Knowing how I felt before I was treated (I have a cpap machine for bedtime) and how great I feel now - I’d have been crazy not to want to feel so much better! Don’t leave him but say you will if he doesn’t visit the gp about the apnoea . I’m astonished he won’t have that sorted. It’s torture being that tired. Now I have tons of energy!

Unless he’s Rishi Sunak’s height then 16 stone isn’t exactly obese?

This is a bit weird

17 stone is a lot for a 5ft 8 bloke of average build, but honestly from the way you were talking I thought he was 25 stone or something.

He shouldn’t need to sleep all the time, shouldn’t have any probs working FT, even in a fairly physical job, and many people of that weight would be quite happy running around with the kids. Also it’s not too heavy for most rides?

Obviously he needs to see his GP and make a plan to loose weight, but he should also get his bloods done to see what else it is. Or do you think he’s just depressed?

Anyway if he’s not able to parent and it’s been going on for ages with no action from him, of course you can justify leaving. But there is more to this than 17 stone.

These are pretty much my exact statistics (as a woman of 35) and my life is nowhere near as restricted as your husband’s. I’m not saying I’m not fat (I know I am, I promise) but my energy levels are fine and I’m pretty fit. If he is struggling day to day I would imagine that his general health is poor. That could potentially be true at any weight (thin =/= healthy) but it likely isn’t being helped by his lifestyle.

Ultimately YANBU to want to leave him for basically whatever reason you want, but it’s still sad all the same.

He is. He is 5'7 and his BMI is 38, so obese almost morbidly obese.

It sounds like it’s his other health issues that are the main problem.

110kg and a bmi of 38 is unhealthily obese, yes, but it’s not a high enough weight to be disabling for most people.

If he could get on top of the sleep apnea he’d probably feel massively better.
And had he had the pre-diabetes checked recently? In case it’s come back?

Losing weight would help with both those things but there’s treatments available even without that.

I'm surprised he's already having all these health issues at that weight. He'll soon be absolutely enormous if he keeps gaining 5kg a month every month. I don't know what to suggest as you can't exactly drag him kicking and screaming to the doctor. How frustrating to have to watch someone self destruct.

Any sympathy I had for him is gone once I learned of his delightful double standards. Typical fat man hates women who struggle with their weight.

Oh and also BMI is bollocks, it’s totally arbitrary, so the people here horrified at the “normalising” of high BMIs should be more horrified at its origins, development and widespread use.