Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

At 5'6" and 90kg I ran a half marathon. Something not right here.
Maybe he is compensating with eating and depressed because he has an uncaring judgemental partner?
Would he be unreasonable to leave you?

Why? Surgery is not going to stop him over eating.

you can leave for whatever reason you want. But if you want to help him, I think the first thing is to investigate if something else is wrong. There are lots of us living active lives at this sort of BMI.

I realise you can't drag him to the doctor, of course.

Parenting with an obese and shit person according to another thread the OP staryed

user1471462428 · 01/01/2020 15:03
Ongoing issues in our relationship with him promising to take time off and help with the kids then going to work anyway. Ignoring me and talking on his phone. Financial abuse which I’ve realised has been going on throughout our relationship. Today the kids have gone for a sleep after late nights. I was looking forward to having a hour by myself. But instead he gets into bed next me and starts touching me. I say I’m not interested. He carries on and climbs on top of me and puts his tongue in my mouth. I’ve completely seen red and bit the end off his tongue. He ran away crying and whimpering. I should feel bad but I’m just fucking full of rage for my shitty life. Should I leave? I know if he calls the police I’m fucked. Can’t stop shaking

Surgery isn’t usually an option if bmi is under 40. I cannot imagine how at 16st, he can’t run round with the kids. I’d say there’s another issue-depression, laziness?

Jesus christ, he is hardly huge is he?

There are two issues here:

His eating disorder

His fitness level affecting his parenting

That is what I would focus on tbh - a supportive but frank discussion that the kids are only going to get faster and does he want to spend their childhood panting on a bench? Start doing more exercise as a family - going for a walk, swimming.

Hmmmm

Ah. That sheds a whole new light on it, doesn't it....

I expect he's diabetic &/or suffering effects of sleep apnoea

BMI nearly 40 is much too fat - people have normalised fatness - it may have become the norm but it is not normal or healthy to be seriously overweight.

My husband weighs 103kg. He works full
time, plays rugby, sleeps 7 hours a night, runs around after the kids, lives an entirely normal life. Is there anything else going on with your DH health wise?

I weigh about as much. I walk at least 10k steps a day, I swim for an hour about twice a week and if I need to run after DD I can. Oh and I cycle for 90 min. once a week. His weight isn't the problem, his fitness levels are! He needs to get up every morning and move.

He's either very unwell or talking shite. At 5ft 9 I weigh considerably more than him and have no problem going on rides, running around the garden/park with DS. Going swimming with DS etc.

My DH is 5'11" and close to 17 stone so he definitely needs to lose weight- but he's active and participates in family life, from football to cycling.

It's not his weight that holding your DH back, OP, it's the underlying health conditions (which can be alleviated if he seeks help) and the disordered eating/sleeping. As PP's have said, you might need to gently issue an ultimatum in that you tell him that you're really concerned about his lack of energy, and he needs to go to the doctor.

Difference is l don’t think l have read a thread on here about women opting out of family life due to weight gain. Especially the naps bit. Plus women go through pregnancy etc which makes us more prone to weight gain

He is definitely rather overweight. I’m his height and pregnant with twins. I weigh about 2/3 of what he does

It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just him being obese.
2.5 years since you made the post about his abusive ways.

Maybe talk about that some here if you want or have this moved to Relationships.

To repeat the OP:

"his weight is now 110kg, he is 5”7 and his BMI is 38. His fat is all on his stomach. I know he has sleep apnea but won’t go to the doctors. He had pre diabetes a few years ago"

It is not fatshaming to be concerned about the clear health problems here.

I was thinking that. I've met teenagers that are 120kg and they are big but not so big it disables them

He might fee better about himself and so be more inclined to look after his health if he didn't have a wife who obviously loathes him and wants him to undergo dangerous surgery. Perhaps it would be better if you leave him OP, for his sake rather than yours.

My Dad growing up was not always in the best of health due to an illness (not weight related) and it limited his mobility. But he had endless patience to read to me, play piano to me, help me with my homework, teach me about gardening and things like that. He would take me out to do sedentary things like the cinema or to watch plays / concerts. He was always up for a chat or a phone call. He supported me in the things I wanted to do, and encouraged me to live an active life and always wanted to hear about it when I got home. He was a good Dad, despite the health problems he had. There are many ways to be a good Dad.

But it sounds like you are unhappy in your relationship, and that's fair enough. I can imagine it is difficult watching someone harm their own health through whatever means, be that with food or anything else.

This

He’s big but I don’t believe 17 stone should be that debilitating.

in our younger days DH was over 18 stone and went on all the rides in Florida including the water ones. It never stopped him doing anything and he was the same height.

eventually I sat him down and told him I was worried he would simply drop dead one day and if he didn’t I did not want to be his carer.

he lost six stone over two years on MyFitnessPal and was the biggest diet bore in the world.

but he kept it off. You need to have serious words.

I'd give him a dead line for surgery. But if you let this slide, he'll only get bigger. You'll end up caring for him, if you stay. I'd leave him. You and your kids deserve better.

No, but you'll still be the active parent. Even more so.