Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

How’s it been today OP? @user1471462428

I think you need to be honest with him about how you're feeling.

These are legitimate feelings. However, it may be hurtful to him to hear them.

It might also help him see the impact of it, and give the motivation to turn it around.

Couldn't agree more. So many people trying to say he isn't that overweight. It is. Also amazing how many people think they're qualified to say he shouldn't have any health problems. He is classed as obese for his height and it comes with a multitude of health worries. He needs to do something about it for the sake of his own health, your marriage and his kids. I'm all for body positivity but this is a real problem.

YANBU. But he does deserve a serious conversation with you and the opportunity to change. See how that goes and make sure you explain how you are truly feeling.

Yabu sounds like an older sibling has thought fuck this and left little sibling with middle sibling. Seeing as you said the child asked him 'where's mum' 🙈🙈🙈 my big teen has a big bag he's not a drugs runner ffs.

Wait is he only 16 stone? If he is, surely some of his lack of participation is nothing to do with his weight and more to do with his willingness?

🤣🙈👎 sorry wrong thread! Oops 😬

A lot of his issues are probably connected with the poor sleep. He probably needs to sleep with a CPAP machine. I can understand why he wouldn’t want a gastric band, a bit drastic, especially without trying other things first. He is neglecting his health by not seeking help more generally. I can understand your frustration. If he could get better sleep that will help his energy levels but obviously will still need to tackle the compulsive eating.

I'm not sure of op situation but rwgarding your ed comment...This is NOT how eating disorders work.can a cancer patient just get rid of tumours for her children ffks.no.neither can someone suffering with an ed or mental Illness. Please don't fuel the bull that these ilnness are a choice.often quite the opposite.

This is bullshit. At around 16 stone -although not lithesome- it’s hardly debilitating or I need if radical surgery. He’s gained weight during your relationship- but not grounds for leaving or opting out of fun with the kids. Have a word

He's not that heavy for a man, is he using his weight as an excuse not to do activities?

Can’t get my head around why a 17 stone bloke can’t attend parents evening.

I don't think he would qualify for surgery at 16.5 stone. I don't think it's even that big unless he's 5ft nothing. He may be depressed which would affect his desire to be active. Get him My Fitness Pal and start counting calories. Find all the low cal snacks for him. Cut out fatty and sugary drinks. Cut out butter and cheese, crisps and biscuits. Feed him lots of small actual meals. I think marriage needs love and that seems to be missing

OP, I’ve just read your reply about gardening and parents’ evening. It sounds like you really have been left with absolutely everything - no wonder you’re exhausted!

Gardening is one of my favourite things to do; I grow my own vegetables and fruit as well as flowers and things. I’m very amateur but I do loads, and as I said I’m way fatter than your husband.

Notwithstanding an underlying undiagnosed medical condition, I can’t see why he can’t do all the things you’ve listed. I really honestly can’t.

I was in same situation. I left, although it took me 9 years to pluck up the courage. He was 6ft 1 and 33 stone.

Has he talked to his Doctor about trying the new diabetes drugs that are effective as weight loss drugs. Some of them have the side effects that make losing weight easier. I take Ozempic and it has changed my life. It changes the taste and mind. I no longer think about food all the time. I lost 50 pounds with no effort. Any kind of lettuce never went into my mouth and now I love salads. Good luck.

This is how my eating disorder worked. I never cared enough to stop hurting myself until I had someone else to care for. This is my story. 27 years of vomiting after every meal. Stopping when I have to put someone other than myself first. I am sorry you object to my story.

GPs can offer other options before thinking about surgery. There are appetite suppressing drugs and counselling. He is very obese with a BMI of 38. People saying otherwise don't seem to understand that muscle mass can vary quite a lot and muscle weighs more than fat. So if you are unfit most of your excess weight will be due to fat
My husband is active and although looks OK as he is tall he is clinically obese and blood sugar level, blood pressure, etc are very high. I am terrified for his health. He tries to loose weight, goes to the gym, etc but just eats too much. It is hard for him. It is like a drug addiction.
I'd never leave him for this but he is also a great dad.
He is finally decided to talk to the GP who offered him the option of apetite suppressants. He is considering it. Maybe mention that option to your husband. I don't think you are being unreasonable by the way. But he maybe struggling. I doubt that is just lazyness and that he is happy being unhealthy.

YANBU. Its must be an incredibly frustrating thing that you are doing all of his share, of absolutely everything that he signed up for (marriage, house, kids), because he is choosing to eat too much. I'm not being flippant, I know he clearly has issues and it may be a food addiction or other physiological issue but he could get help, he could do some of the stuff that you are doing, but he chooses not to.

Yes marriage is in sickness and in health but there is an implied obligation that both will try and do what they can to keep themselves in health.

You don't have to live like this. If he wont even go to the doctors for a talk then I think you're within your rights to leave

He has started a new diet today. He always says he feel exhausted all the time. I’ve been really supportive of his past attempts to lose weight and encourage him to exercise (I.e paid for his gym membership when he wanted to go).
All his weight is round his waist and he actually has thin arm and legs.
I don’t cook for him as a bizarre bonus of his job is we get most meals provided for us (his boss is lovely and will make extra for me and the kids). Most of our food is healthy but it is portion size which he struggles with.

He’s only 5’7” and 110kg, so 17+ stone.

I’m 5’7” and 50kg. <8 stone. I am a woman admittedly but am not emaciated. He’s only a little guy.

Does he know how bad you feel? Does he know you might leave him over this? Could that galvanise him into taking effective action?

If you’re 5’7” and only 50kg then you are very underweight, possibly in danger territory.

Ha. Yeah. No I’m not.

Yes, you are.

It’s about 17 stone, so if he’s not tall enough to even out his BME, it’s not a healthy weight.