Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

He was clinically prediabetic before. Prediabetes generally develops into T2 diabetes unless the person makes serious efforts to lose weight, exercise and overhaul their diet. So yes. He's probably diabetic now. That weight + untreated T2 + sleep apnoea is a cocktail of badness which is indeed likely to create serious health problems soon.

The lethargy and tiredness are also pretty likely to be diabetes symptoms.

OP, so you are doing and paying for everything as he doesn't work, with decreasing health?

How much is it costing you to feed him?

I think it is likely you are going to end up his carer?

Is this what you want?

Start thinking of your health and future.

All these posters saying that are X height and Y weight but “hardly” big etc.

Keep kidding yourself or acknowledge that are very overweight and even though you may well less an active life, you won’t for very long if you don’t lose weight

I don’t think most people are saying that.
They were (myself included) saying that while this man IS overweight they are too and it does not stop them doing the things he “can’t” do.
So either he’s lazy or there is something else going on

Read back

a number do say “hardly” big or “don’t look big in clothes” etc

Yes but they also say it doesnt handicap them to this extent.
Fat people know they are fat

Nobody is arguing that being fat is good for your health. They are saying that the OPs DP would not be unable to do all those things at that weight purely because of being fat. Something else is going on.
A friend of mine must be about that weight and does parkrun every weekend. Being totally exhausted and unable to do anything is either laziness, mental health issue or a medical issue. This is not directly caused by being fat.

I was about 110kg but still active . Tired all the time too. No one helped me change anything (including myself ) , it just wasn’t a big issue to me or anyone around me until one day when I woke up and didn’t feel like being fat . I just cut out all bread, potatoes, cakes, sweets , pop , gravy even . I set myself a twelve week period to test out if I could loose weight . Seemed impossible. I chose cereal with skimmed milk on a morning (no sugar ) . A very light snack at lunch (tuna and sweetcorn) and a massive evening meal of skinless , boneless chicken breast , sweet potato fries and tons of green vegetables. Or replaced the vegetables and sweet potatoes with salad and beetroot slices . I did take part in some exercise at a local gym (found that really positive) but not straight away though . I’d dropped to 80 kg over 12 weeks . (The exercise increased as I felt better about myself) . I will say though that I am responsible for all of the shopping that comes into my home and if the items of bread , potatoes, sugar , cakes , sweets or crisps had been here - I’d still be fat , I’d have eaten them .
I don’t know if it helps , it’s not meant to be a shout out to myself but an idea of how I set myself a time limit , I set a food intake plan (high protein ) and I weighed myself at 6am every morning (not recommended by anyone - but worked for me as I saw the kg’s move regularly).
good luck in whatever you end up having to do .

If you don't want to be with him any more, then leave him; you're not obliged to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.

Though, with your attitude I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves you first. I wouldn't stay with a partner with your attitude.

With parenting, remember the "it takes a village" line: he doesn't do rides/inflatables/football/netball, none of which are compulsory parts of parenting. Does he support you while you're doing those things? [the person who holds the bags/stuff that can't get wet when everyone goes on the water ride + spots somewhere shady for a picnic, the person who cheers from the sidelines for team sports etc] Does he cook? Do bedtimes? Do crafts/jigsaw puzzles/read stories/join in with the children playing? Liaise with schools/nurseries/extra curricular activity providers?

In the same boat. Only my husband weighs more than yours and has a much higher BMI. He won’t get surgery on the NHS. The wait list is long and they have to demonstrate commitment to change.

Firstly well done you, it’s always difficult to see your faults clearly and rectify them. I was bulimic from the age of 9 until 36 (when I got pregnant with my only child) overnight I left a terrible habit behind for my child’s sake. If her husband can’t do it for his children who can he do it for?

TBH sounds like he’s just a lazy arsehole. I weighed more than him at roughly the same height, my BMI was 43 and I could still go on rides and run about after my kids. I did CrossFit 3 times a week.

Then I decided to do something about it and got gastric surgery. At that weight the likelihood of him being able to lose the weight and keep it off is basically slim to fuck all.

I should hopefully hit my final goal in December of a healthy BMI, current 27.1, and I have never felt better.

He is being lazy through choice or there’s something else going on, but either way he needs to stop being selfish and help you.

Lose weight and keep it off by himself I mean.

Well done you!

It’s understandable that you have had enough! It’s not fair to be doing the lions share of the parenting and house work. I am obese and at my biggest I was 106kg, through depression and anxiety I got myself there but I’ve made good changes and lost quite a bit of weight now, but I still did everything for my children and home, I feel like you’re allowing him to be this lazy, you are catering to his every want, no it’s not ok to go for a nap in the day, you need to put your foot down and split the jobs, maybe then when he’s doing more he will have a bit of self worth and a bit more motivation to sort himself out.

My kids father (not longer together) is over 20 stone all on his stomach BMI in the 40s. He still works a 55-70 hour week as a breakdown tyre fitter for trucks and large vehicles so very physical. He also still does DIY, walks places and does things with the kids even if it is in short bursts of particularly active.

My BMI is also 38 and I am the primary childcare provider for my children. I walk my youngest to school then walk to work and then after work I walk to collect my youngest from wrap around childcare club and then we walk home. 5 days a week. I do housework and DIY and do things with the kids. I actually hate that I’m still so overweight when I walk so much and only eat two meals a day omelette for breakfast and then dinner when we get home and do not snack nor drink alcohol or fizzy drinks regularly etc. i should be losing weight but I’m not and it’s getting me really really upset.

however my point is being obese is not an excuse to do nothing and be lazy. Plenty of people that are obese manage to go about their daily lives.

I would be leaving him. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

That bmi would exclude him from anything other than bariatric surgery as its a huge health risk and one many doctors wont take on.
If he needs a counsellor get it sorted and give him a deadline to stick to and hopefully this will get him out of his and your miserable rut xx

I'm 119kg (and am not taking feedback on my weight or heath; I share this purely for comparison) and am able to work in a full time job where I do more than 10,000 steps a day. I also go to the gym four times a week, and actively parent my three children.

It sounds like you're husbands problem is his interest in, and motivation to be, an active parent and partner.

With all due disrespect, you’re talking shit.

Same here - my husband is around this weight and somewhere around 6ft4 and is an active coparent.

6ft 4 & 16 stone is probably quite healthy. Quite obviously, the hight of a person makes a huge difference.

Lots of bizarre information and advice 8n this thread.

While I really feel for you. Before you make any big decisions, please ask the GP for a thyroid and celiac check. Both of these can cause serious exhaustion and fatigue and over-eating. Sending hugs.

@BoobooMogooboo thank you so much!