Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Yes, you are. My mum is 5’5” and weighs 49kg. Her GP has prescribed Ensure supplement drinks for her, to try and get her weight up.

Closer to 17 stone - 16.6. State of health depends on his height.

He knows I’m unhappy and exhausted. I’ve my own health problems which are increased by exhaustion. I’m really trying my best to make to relationship work but he’s making it hard. His friends saw him on Diwali and were openly shocked by how much weight he has gained recently. I hope will use this as turning point as he is really missing out on our lovely kids.

He's a couple of stone lighter than me 🙃I'm not disabled, I'm a glutton.Maybe he is, too?

He gets out of breath taking his shoes off, going up a flight of stairs and walking short distances so I really do think he needs help.

Does he have a CPap machine for the sleep apnoea?

Not read it all but what struck me was the weight of 105KG. I was close to that weight but still very active even being only 5ft 4 tall.
Had my DH binned me off because of this I am sure people would be calling him all sorts of names.

I am the same height and I weigh 104kg. Don't get me wrong I am massively overweight and I do struggle at times but I have a dog that I walk daily and a 4 year old I run around after. I do the bulk of childcare and housework. I am fairly fit (not going to climb a mountain any time soon) because I stay active and force myself to exercise and do things to encourage fitness. It's not that hard to stay active it just takes the desire to do it. Good luck whatever you decide

Starting a diet by himself isn’t going to be enough. He has got to the point of being unwell and needs to book an appt for the doctor, first to discuss the sleep apnea and organise bloods tests for diabetes, thyroid, etc and then book a follow up. Depending on the results, referral to diabetic specialist, dietician, CBT etc. Things have got so bad you are considering leaving, could you suggest max a week for him to book the initial appt?
OP meanwhile you also need a break and to cut back what you are doing, you are burning out working full time and doing all child related activities.

OP I know it's been suggested before but please please get his heart looked at.

My brother is a lanky young thing but had an issue with his heart that only got discovered by chance, he needed surgery. The doctors said it would've begun having symptoms like your DH's. Nothing to do with his weight, never knew what caused it. He had a slight heart murmur that set off further investigation.

Don’t be ludicrous. That catch-all BMI is nonsense and does not account for deviations in bone mass. I have a slight frame. I would look like melted cheese at the top end of the apparently ‘healthy’ weight bracket for my height!

I am in no way underweight. I’m really strong and muscled. I run, lift weights, do gymnastics, box (flyweight. Would you tell all the women in that weight bracket they’re dangerously underweight too? They’d probably knock your block off) and have excellent abs. I could post you a photo but this is not my thread.

I have a small body. I’m not underweight, I’m just not fat. I’m extremely fit and healthy. Can people stop telling me I’m dangerously underweight? 😆

Yes definitely getting his heart checked. I’m so tired I can’t see the woods for the trees and I’m actually making a list of suggestions from this thread. Asking the doctor about his heart, weight loss injections, sleep apnea and diabetes. Possibly thyroid.

My bf is obese according to BMI but I would never know if I walked past him as a stranger. So weird.

205kg is only 16stone I thought you meant like one of those huge Americans on reality TV!!!
Depending on his height yes it's maybe a bit on the overweight side but I don't think he'd be considered for bariatric surgery!!

His BMI is 38.

Bariatric surgery is available on the NHS if you have BMI over 40, or a BMI between 35 and 40 and an obesity-related condition such as type 2 diabetes (which he is displaying symptoms of).

sorry I don’t know who asked me whether he has CPAP but he doesn’t. He definitely has sleep apnea though as he repeatedly stops breathing overnight and during the day. We don’t sleep together because of his snoring but you can hear him through the walls.

He absolutely needs to be checked over by a doctor. His symptoms are more suggestive of possible heart failure and by the sounds of it he definitely has sleep apnoea. Untreated sleep apnoea can cause high blood pressure leading to cardiovascular disease. Not meaning to scare you but his height and weight don't add up to how he is presenting. Does he have any swelling in his ankles?

I hope he gets the help he needs, and you get a healthy husband back. You must be exhausted.

You’re delusional if you think having a BMI of 38 has no health consequences. I had high cholesterol and potential pre diabetes at a BMI of 27. To be fair genetics is against me but being overweight at all is bad for your health. People have just forgotten what ‘normal’ weight looks like.

I’m gobsmacked I was expecting 25 stone

@bluetongue so much plays a part. My BMI was 40 and all my bloods etc were perfect and I was one caring for my average weight husband and doing everything around the house and exercising too.
BMI coming down slowly now.

I'm so happy he is willing to start making changes to his diet and will be getting all these things checked with the Dr. As other people have said, he could be at serious risk of a heart attack. For me, the thought of my kids growing up without me was a serious kick in the butt when I had high blood pressure, was pre-diabetic, and (still) have sleep apnea. These things can't be ignored.

The journey to better health is a long one, it's never linear, and it's definitely not easy, but it's worth it and it has to start somewhere. Good luck to both of you. In the meantime can you get a little extra help from someone (a friend/family member or professional cleaner/babysitter perhaps) to help ease your exhaustion? You will both need extra support for a while until he is able to start feeling the benefits. (Things get harder before they get easier.)

@user1471462428 big middle, thin arms & legs could be a symptom of something like cushing’s disease, or a tumour on the adrenal or pituitary glands.

Info

friend of mine had a tumour on her adrenal gland, been there years, couldn’t understand why she couldn’t lose weight, also my Ds’s FIL had Cushing’s - similar round middle skinny arms & legs.

Has he had a medical check up recently? Maybe something else is causing the breathlessness etc.. is his heart ok? He doesn't sound that heavy to me

Flyweight is 116 - 125 pounds, so 52-57 kg. All heavier than you. And their average height is 5’5”, so they’re also shorter than you. Their BMIs would be perfectly healthy, yours is not.

The ‘catch-all BMI nonsense’ isn’t a hard and fast rule, but when you are considerably under the absolute bottom healthy weight and in the red zone, then you are very underweight. Please also note that muscle weighs more than fat, not less, so all this talk of abs, coupled with your low weight, is really disturbing.