Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

This!

And unless he's incredibly short, 105Kg for a man isn't that much 🤷‍♀️My dad looks extremely slim and fit but weighs around 100Kg; he's tall though.

Just saw that he's 5'7, so he isn't tall, but still 105Kg isn't actually life-debilitating weight. I'm surprised he's not allowed on so many things. Maybe he looks heavier than he actually is? As I say, my dad weighs similar but is very tall and looks very fit/slim and he has never been excluded from any fairground rides or similar

If you no longer love him, then leave him. If you still love him talk to him about your fears for his health. There are non surgical treatments for obesity, xenical (tablets), ozempic (weekly injection), maybe these would help.

My DH weighs 114kgs and he lives a normal life, I would say. He has to do an annual fitness test for his work where he has to run 2.5k in a particular time limit (I think in under 14 mins??) And he always passes this easily. I suppose he looks a bit chubby, and I certainly wouldn't call him a fitness fanatic, but he still hits the gym 3 times a week, and has never been unable to do physical activities or run around after the kids, nor does he spend half of his day sleeping. He just sleeps at night, like anybody else.

Is there something else going on here, OP? Do you think he's suffering from depression? Or perhaps some sort of deficiency? It's unusual for an adult to need to sleep a lot during the day, and not be able to even have a go at a game of netball with the kids. His weight isn't that extreme.

He probably has T2 diabetes at this point, and he urgently needs to get the apnoea sorted out.

Once he gets on medication for diabetes and starts sleeping properly he may find he will lose weight.

It's not an ideal weight, and may lead to health issues but I'm surprised it's causing such day to day problems. Could he be depressed? That would explain the tiredness and might be linked to the emotional eating.

105kg for a man is "that much" though! Not one of the men in my close family or social circle weighs anywhere near that!

My DH is 6'0", and a healthy BMI - he weighs 70kg. He looks fit and slim because he is fit and slim. I find it really hard to believe a man weighing over 100kg looks fit and slim.

i wish more people would read ops post with her partners height.

He’s only 5 foot 7 which is the same height as Rishi Sunak. He should be somewhere between 8.5 stone and 11.5 stone - he’s 17 stone! People who are claiming he’s not fat because their partner is 6 foot is a similar weight are comparing oranges to apples.

I think it's a combination of not looking at the height, but also a level of denial about what a healthy weight looks like these days. Just because the majority of people are now overweight doesn't mean that it's a healthy way to be. And I think that because many people are surrounded by others who are overweight, they have lost sight of what "fit and slim" actually looks like in real life.

Geography and affluence play a big part in this. There is a lot of evidence that average weight differs significantly by region, and the more affluent you are, the more likely you are to be slim and to be surrounded by people who are also slim. What you see around you will determine your baseline for "normal".

And some of the stuff that gets spouted about BMI being nonsense because elite athletes are "obese" according to BMI is so easily disproven, but it suits people to believe it.

Pick a well known premiership footballer and Google his weight and height. They are big blokes with plenty of muscle, but they won't be obese.

Look at the Liverpool squad - Van Dijk is the heaviest at 92kg, but he's 6'4" and his BMI is at the top end of healthy. Becker is also a healthy BMI as he's 6'3".

Pretty sure OP wrote a thread about this!

Are those who are overweight and active under 40?

The weight will damage your body eventually.

I have always been on the low end and sometimes underweight and I can feel it on my body and bones now at 42.

My DM went from 10 stone to 14 stone in her 60's when she came off hrt she couldn't sleep properly, walk far or even stand from a chair without groaning loudly.

She was 5.2. When she died at 14 stone her death certificate stated hyper something obesity and covid.

She had sleep apnea and bone pain as a result.

As you get older your body cannot carry all the extra weight.

I'm taking control this year of my health.

Does she really? Adult women don't show as obese from natural muscle mass alone. We just don't. I'm a very muscular woman with F cup breasts, big bum and hips and very dense bones, as shown on a dexa scan. Only have a four though. My BMI is always in the lower 20s apart from when it hit 25.2 when on medication earlier this year. My muscle mass would have been contributing to me being in the overweight category then, sure, but I'd have to be taking peds and testosterone to have gone even remotely close to a BMI of 30.

If your daughter is still a child, then it's possible but utterly irrelevant. The way BMI is calculated for children and adults is incomparable as child and adult bodies are completely different.

@Wanderingowl

As a sporty woman myself, I 100% agree. Either the DD is still a child, or possibly is a weightlifter, or (more likely) that poster is mistaken.

Female elite athletes are usually muscular, but nowhere near being obese.

I really thought you were talking about someone who was 500 / 600 lbs.

I'm the same height and weigh slightly less than your husband but my weight barely impacts anything I do. It really wouldn't take much for him to lose a stone, and he certainly doesn't need to be napping all the time. He may have a thyroid problem and this can make you gain weight and make you very tired. So that may be something that needs looking into. Otherwise, he has got into a habit of getting out of family life because you will do things for him. If you want to stay with him I suppose you only buy healthy foods and go for walks as a family. However, you can end a relationship for any reason so if you dont want to be with him then you need to separate.

You assumed the ops husband must be 35-42 stone because she said he’s got sleep apnoea and gets out of breath easily? I’d be impressed if he was walking unaided at that point with a bmi of 76-92.

@Playthegamebwah that was a bit of an exaggeration perhaps, but there are plenty of blokes the same size as OPs DH playing football and rugby on a Sunday with their pub teams etc. Hardly the bastion of health but they still manage perfectly well. Whilst it isnt a great weight to be at he should still be able to function pretty normally. Perhaps he needs to do a bit of exercise to improve his cardio fitness if he is out of practice so he isnt getting out of breath so easily but day-to-day life he should be functioning as normal, should be able to play netball or have a kickaround with a football with his children.

I really thought you were talking about someone who was 500 / 600 lbs.
How would someone that was 500 lbs even get to a theme park.
Have you ever watched my 500lb life.

Oops the show is called 600 lb life with the point still stands.

Maybe everyone on here should just concentrate on their own weight and lay off thinking about anyone else's. It's got as far as calculating footballers BMI now.

OP, your DH is a lazy git. His weight is secondary to him being a lazy git. Heavier people do way more than him. But you can't change people. You can only support and encourage people to change themselves. And if you don't love him enough to do that then get out, for his sake and yours.

Are you sure this is his weight? My partner is only about 7 kilos less and he has no problem playing with the kids, going for walk or bike rides. He goes on inflatables and rides and stuff all the time. Yes he isn’t as fit as someone who goes to the gym regularly but his weight certainly doesn’t impact on his parenting in any way.

What?! How does he probably have diabetes? JFC this thread is ridiculous.

OP, your DH is a lazy git. His weight is secondary to him being a lazy git.

I agree with this.

Even if it's a medical condition causing the tiredness, he's a grown-ass adult and he needs to take responsibility for it by going to the doctor.

I'm a 42 yo 5ft5 woman at that exact weight . I have also got rheumatoid arthritis and need a knee replacement. But I still go on rides, do sports with my teens, chase my grandson around and run a house 100% on my own. My weight hinders me, but it certainly doesn't exhaust me 😲. And I've got a cracking slow Mo video of me riding a giant inflatable llama down a crazy river 😁

I am hoping to get bariatric surgery simply because everyone I lose 3-4 stone it slowly cross back up. I want to be a stable, healthy weight and reduce the impact on my knees.

Yup. I am a short woman who carries a fair bit of muscle and weightlifts, probably about 20% body fat. My max BMI is 24.9. It is close to impossible for a woman to build so much muscle she's obese, even if she's juicing like mad.