Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

i think unmanaged diabetes could make someone extremely tired.

Tell him to get himself to the doctors or he is risking your marriage.

I was also expecting a higher weight given the level of disability. Like others I honestly don’t think the weight is likely to be as debilitating. That’s not denying the obesity but there will be plenty of people in the 30-35 bmi territory that are able to lead perfectly normal, active lives as many posters have pointed out. It’s not the level of weight I was expecting for needing to not work.

But…The apnea will be making him tired and can kill and the stats for untreated apnea are dreadful. He really should go and do a sleep test. Unless you sort that out everything else will be harder. I’d expect him to care enough about you all and his own health to just make an appointment with the dr and start the ball rolling. If he can’t do that then I’m not sure things will get any better unfortunately.

This is what I was going to say, 16st on a man really isn’t morbidly obese that you can’t parent! There is something else going on.
sleep apnoea will do that, but if he isn’t willing to get that looked at that’s on him, but leaving him for being 16st??

I feel so sorry for you - you're bearing the burden of an entire family, and it's too much. Yes, you should absolutely leave him and save your own life. The fact that he has sleep apnoea and diabetes (these are very serious) is a sign that he is not willing to change, or not willing to change enough or fast enough to help you and the children. You write sympathetically about his tiredness and my heart breaks for you: working full time and doing everything in the home and with the children.
My advice to you would be to see this as an addiction - would you stay with a junkie? or an alcoholic?
Get out before every scrap of your hope and energy are worn away - because they will be.
It's always going to be tomorrow with addicts, they're going to change, clean up, get help... but tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or when the moon moves into Aquarius.
Talk to your husband and give him an ultimatum: either he takes steps to recovery and health or you leave him.
You deserve better.

He has gotten himself into a cycle of exhaustion through not managing the sleep apnea, if he had pre diabetes at a lower weight he could have type two now and it’s unmanaged and lastly being inactive and unfit. Exercise energies you. Most men at that height and weight wouldn’t be as badly affected healthwise by the weight if they kept up some level physical activity and got of top of sleep apnea and diabetes.
Honestly, OP I can see how you would probably have a better life without him. It doesn’t sound like a relationship of equal partners. He is a terrible example for the kids too. Healthy lifestyles need to be modelled for kids.

He rely needs to go to the GP for a check up. Mt DH (not overweight) has a heart problem and the first symptoms were tiredness and breathlessness when doing mild exercise.

My partner who is 6' 2" reached 116kg & I found it really unattractive. He started snoring heavily & moving in a 'fat person' manner.
For his sake and mine I pressured him for months and helped him with healthy eating until he lost 15kg. Although he's still somewhat overweight the difference in him is amazing, he looks and feels better, the snoring and breathlessness has reduced significantly and our relationship has vastly improved along with our sex life, I actually fancy him again. But it took a lot of nagging, yes nagging, on my part to get where we are today. He is so much happier in himself and consequently I am happier too. As much as I dearly love and adore him his size was destroying our relationship.

To add op I hope he finds the motivation somehow to lose weight for his, your and the children's sake. Good luck.

I don’t think you are unreasonable but struggling with the examples you have given. Neither DH or I ever went on an inflatable with any of our kids, they went on themselves from toddlers and you hold their shoes and watch while they bounce around.

I have never once been on a ride with kids, nothing to do with weight, I don’t ‘do’ rides. DH did as he is open to rides but he never complained I didn’t, and again was convenient as someone minded all the bags😁.

As for the football/netball, we never did that with our kids either. Again, nothing to do with weight, but we enrolled them in the sports, took them to practices, games etc, why would we play it with them?

Sorry if already said, but my OH has a cpap machine for sleep apnoea and it has made his life lots better. It's easy to get into a cycle of being tired so earing more for energy. However it look a long time of me telling him how disrupted his sleep was for him to go. It's hard when they have to make the decision.

I think 16st on a man of 5'7 is pretty heavy. It all depends on his frame as well - I'm presuming at that height he's not large of frame. Depends on ethnic origin too. My DH is 5'9 and around 11-12 stone - still has a bit of a belly, also has high blood pressure (runs in family) so if he was 16stone then he'd be in an awful state.

I can't see any parallels at all between the problem the OP posted and what you described. Why did you need to make it all about you?

I haven't read the full thread but if nobody else has suggested it I think it would be worth suggesting he get private medical help if you/he can afford it, whether you stay with him or not. And read Gary Taubes book Why We Get Fat if you can. Obesity is poorly understood by the medical establishment and the general population and there are a lot of misunderstandings about it but for many, it's actually a state of starvation which causes the exhaustion. Many obese people can't access the energy they take in from food because it's locked away in their fat cells and can't get out into the blood stream where it would be burnt (sometimes because they're missing an enzyme or something). Thus the more they eat, the bigger they get and the more energy they need but their body can't access it as it's locked in their fat cells and so it cries out for more food. They're starving, but obese. And therefore exhausted. Reducing food often does very little to help for this reason (and is also almost impossible for most obese people). Exercise is largely ineffective. Bariatric surgery is dangerous and has poor results in many cases (although is wonderful for many). Obese people are being failed by the system and unfairly blamed for a their own untreated medical condition. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid or that you should stay if you're miserable but your partner does deserve help from someone. It's not always the case that anything can be done but sometimes there is help.

Just in case no one has suggested, he sounds like a good candidate for semiglucatides. (Ozempic, Trulicity, Saxenda).

It’s a mini jab you administer into your gut or thigh every week (or sometimes every day) and it helps reverse prediabetes and reduce the impact of diabetes 2. For the majority of patients it has an amazing impact. The main issue is that you have to push on through teh first 6 weeks because you can feel very nauseous, but he could also be given something for that.

I know it’s difficult to get hold of because it’s expensive, but maybe you can get him to the doctor by saying it’s literally a magic bullet.

If he hasn’t tried that, he hasn’t tried everything. Bariatric surgery has so many long term effects. Since getting a weird thyroid problem, I’ve discovered thousands of post-surgical people get massive problems that are triggered by imbalances in calcium, magnesium, vitamins etc. not as easy as saying malnutrition, but ending up with kidney problems, liver problems. And tons have exhaustion from these and hormone problems (meaning thyroid etc, not sex hormones). Not in the first 5 years necessarily, but in 10, 15 years… so it’s just delaying the disability if you like.

I woudl say undoubtedly his prediabetes has returned, and probably now diabetic, given that he is feeling so unfit. But anyway, if you can’t get him to the GP and get a serious answer from them, then I would consider the leaving.

TBF, I think the weight is a side issue too, if you’ve always done everything, he’s not going to start pulling his weight (so to speak) now, is he?

I think your partner needs to see a doctor. (Easier said than done if he is refusing to!!) Personally, I've been morbidly obese most of my adult life. I still do most of the parenting/childcare tasks. At my highest weight (BMI 55) I wasn't able to play sports with the kids but I could supervise, and I didn't need to take daytime naps. I think the symptoms you've described are much more severe than just being heavier than before. You mentioned sleep apnea which is very possible, and there could be other health issues too. Also, mental health is almost always a factor (to varying degrees) when obesity is concerned. He needs proper medical help with this one or he'll be fighting a losing battle. This isn't a moral failing, it's a serious health issue.

As to whether or not you should leave him? Only you can decide. You recognise that he is essentially disabled, he is ill, and his eating is a compulsion. Would you leave him if he had some other disability? Even if he makes some big changes tomorrow, things will not improve quickly, this will be a long term process. You need to decide if you want to stick around for it.

110kg for a man really isnt as disgusting as you make out.

At this rate, this man is going to kill you before he kills himself. His greed and laziness are taking a huge toll on your mental and physical health. The fact that his is a misogynistic hypocrite who judges women for their weight is just the icing on the cake (and lets face it, he's going to have all that cake and eat it, isn't he?).

I honestly don't know how you can stand to live with him.

In my country, a bariatric surgeon would put him on a very low calorie liquid diet (VLCD) for a few weeks to make him lose weight fast before the surgery. These low calorie drinks are nutritionally balanced. A lower weight is less risky on the operating table.
Pre-and-post surgery, he would have to work with a psychologist and dietician to develop better eating habits. Otherwise people can and do put weight back on post-surgery.

Is this the same guy whose tongue you bit partially off because he stuck his tongue in your mouth after telling him you didn't want to have sex? Definitely leave OP. For that reason alone.

Just wanted to add that gastric band surgery isn't the only option for 'medical' help. There are gastric balloons which are incredibly successful- and essentially you swallow a large pill that's attached to a tube. The 'pill' is filled with saline and is a balloon that fills up your stomach. The tube is then removed and it all happens quite quickly in a drs office-no anaesthetic/surgery required. It does come with the usual side effects for the first few weeks but it's a temporary measure (think it lasts 16 weeks) and is slowly passed out of your body as is disintegrates. I hope your OH can sort this out!

I’m perplexed. He’s 16.5stone. That’s not massively hugely obese. He just sounds lazy.
I can understand he wasn’t allowed on a ‘kids’ assault course. I’m 2 stone heavier than ideal, I’d be absolutely gutted if my husband spoke about me like this. Sorry, now knowing his weight, I need to change my YANBU to YABU.
I think there must more to this than meets the eye.

@Guessie - well that puts a different complexion on it..

Unless he is about 5’ - this is rubbish OP sorry

Ummmm.. say what?

I imagine you make all his meals.
Can you start making only enough for that meal and not a lot for extras?
Give him smaller portions?

I know it has nothing to do with you and not your responsiblity.