Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

678 replies

user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 13:23

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

OP posts:
ehb102 · 25/10/2022 21:05

The fat is a red herring. I'm way fatter and I do everything. Heck, I'm the football coach! He sounds depressed. The trouble with depressed men is they never seem to do anything about it until it's past crunch time. Good luck.

WildOats5678 · 25/10/2022 21:10

Just so you know OP this has been picked up by tabloids if you want the thread pulled.

Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted
EmeraldShamrock1 · 25/10/2022 21:23

It's more than his weight OP.

I think you should separate again.

My partner is obese but I couldn't imagine my life without him.

If I could wave a wand and help him be healthy I would.

SquigglePigs · 25/10/2022 21:27

Notsoglamanymore · 25/10/2022 13:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I myself am classified as obese although I am still fairly active and definitely not as far alone as your partner it would seem, I have gained more and more weight over the past few years and I do have a binge eating disorder. However I now really recognise that I am finding things more difficult and my weight is starting to impact my health and the things I feel comfortable doing, I have a young son and it fills me with dread to think that I might die early and he will have to grow up without a mum, and all for something that is a fixable issue, so I have made the conscious decision to put him first and have one last bash at weight loss the traditional way and if that’s doesn’t work I’ll go down the lines of surgery as it’s not about me anymore so sticking my head in the sand and being in denial isn’t an option anymore. Your husband should apply the same logic.

I'm in a very similar position to be honest. I lost a fair bit of weight in the year or so between DD being born and lockdowns. Then I put it all back on and more. I also have lingering (non-weight related) issues from my pregnancy that exacerbate it all. Good luck with it all!

JOFFCV · 25/10/2022 21:32

DamnUserName21 · 25/10/2022 17:12

@Cherrytree77
At a BMI of 43 I do twice weekly 10 mile hilly bike rides, swimming as well as being active every day with a toddler.

You are the exception, not the rule. Most folks I've encountered working in healthcare with BMIs in their 40s were not fit like you. They were the opposite.

If I had a BMI of 43 I would be very fat. My BMI is about 27/28 and I'm not thin.

JOFFCV · 25/10/2022 21:35

Just checked and I'm a BMI of 25.8 and overweight. I need to lose at least 1/2 stone. At BMI of 43 I would struggle.

Blizzardbeach · 25/10/2022 21:36

Um, I think you'll find je has some other health issues.
To be 105kg and feeling the way he is, at the very least I'd say he has sleep apnoea, hence the tiredness etc.
Really 105kg on a males frame shouldn't be interfering with his life that much!
I'm 102kg, and an average heighten woman.
I babywear, do a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, can run, spend hours on my feet each day. I'm up and down all day.

Whilst I appreciate that his obesity is an issue, and I don't blame you for your feelings, this isn't just his weight I shouldn't think

Autumn231 · 25/10/2022 21:36

It sounds like there is something more than weight causing him issues here.

I’m just under 14 stone which I know is obese (think BMI is around 32) but I play netball competitively twice a week and have no issue running after my son. We go trampoline most weeks and soft play no issue. I do find I get pressure on my knees when walking up stairs and I struggle with sitting on the floor for long periods due to do a bad back which I’m sure is weight related, and I do agree that change it still needed (for both me and your DH!) but his behaviour and limitations seem at odds to his actual weight. I definitely wouldn’t be considering weight loss surgery at his weight, losing just a couple of stone could make a big difference.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/10/2022 21:36

user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 19:35

@SleepingStandingUp I have two health conditions which have series of flare ups across the year and are worsening with age. Not the focus of the thread but I think possibly why I’m on my knees caring for him and the children.

So something he should be seriously taking into consideration. That's what I'd focus on, him letting you down and the kids down rather than weight as such

JOFFCV · 25/10/2022 21:40

OP, he needs to lose weight but also look at other reasons he is like this. If he doesn't want to help himself I can understand how you feel.

Snickers94 · 25/10/2022 21:47

Although he's classed as obese he's technically not morbidly obese so should be able to do these things. My bmi has been around the same as his since giving birth (struggling to shift the weight) but I'm still able to run after my toddler and do most things. I would think there is more to it than him being fat & yes it would be unreasonable to leave him just because he's fat and out of breath imo without getting to the bottom of it. Also, if he really was 105kg he hardly needs bariatric surgery. Even at 110kg. He could build up his exercise and manage his portion sizes first.

Latermumfairy · 25/10/2022 21:47

But that is a BMI of 36. That is really big. This thread seems full of denial and defensivenes

@Josette77 what am I in denial about? I know I’m overweight and need to lose weight but my body isn’t that willing. But I also know it doesn’t hinder my day to day existence. It certainly wouldn’t stop me parenting properly. A man at 16 stone isn’t so overweight he can’t live a normal life - that’s the only point.

Octomore · 25/10/2022 21:50

I think that poster is referring to the numerous PPs saying "But he's not that big!" It's quite shocking to see how many posters see it as a relatively normal BMI.

He may not be so big he can't squeeze through doors, but he is very big.

Octomore · 25/10/2022 21:51

Although I agree that his weight shouldn't be stopping him parenting properly

Either he has some other underlying condition, or he's taking the piss.

juice92 · 25/10/2022 21:51

I am short and I weigh more than this, I am definitely fat don't get me wrong (and not saying my weight is healthy at all so noone flame me) but I don't struggle to do things, my Husband is about 5ft 8 and weighs about 103kg and although he isn't thin, he doesn't struggle either

Blizzardbeach · 25/10/2022 21:53

Octomore · 25/10/2022 21:50

I think that poster is referring to the numerous PPs saying "But he's not that big!" It's quite shocking to see how many posters see it as a relatively normal BMI.

He may not be so big he can't squeeze through doors, but he is very big.

He is very big, but he should be able to parent.
I've been 24 stone before, at that weight yes it's flipping hard to move, and life was how op describes her husband, however at 16 stone, either he's got something else going on, or he's using his weight to be lazy and not chip in with the kids.

Josette77 · 25/10/2022 21:58

Latermumfairy · 25/10/2022 21:47

But that is a BMI of 36. That is really big. This thread seems full of denial and defensivenes

@Josette77 what am I in denial about? I know I’m overweight and need to lose weight but my body isn’t that willing. But I also know it doesn’t hinder my day to day existence. It certainly wouldn’t stop me parenting properly. A man at 16 stone isn’t so overweight he can’t live a normal life - that’s the only point.

Like the other poster said I was referring to the comments about not being that big. Being obese is very big. I am surprised so many people consider it "not that big."

Pinkfluff76 · 25/10/2022 22:01

He’s killing himself, he needs to catch a wake up!!!

QueenBeex · 25/10/2022 22:02

I find this hard to believe. My brother is about 5 stone heavier and the same height. Goes on rides, 5 mile walks with the kids and dog, works 6 days a week on a building site, and has not been refused anywhere with the kids.

ComeonoverValerie · 25/10/2022 22:04

Has he got an underactive thyroid? This would explain the tiredness and weight gain. Send him to the doctors for bloods.

Tigofigo · 25/10/2022 22:06

Miklemas · 25/10/2022 20:07

The weight in itself shouldn't be an issue, you can run about and go on rides etc at that 'obese'. He's nowhere near needing surgery either.

However, the lack of parenting is. He shouldn't be exhausted, and tests need to be done to see what's occurring.

Don't focus on the weight, focus on him contributing more to childcare.

This absolutely.

It's not fair he's leaving everything to you.

I have a friend who is bigger and yes does struggle with moving and exhaustion and health issues but still very much contributes a lot even though it's much harder.

Does he work?

Pinkballoon5 · 25/10/2022 22:10

My other half weighs the same and is absolutely fine, does more than his share

JOFFCV · 25/10/2022 22:10

Octomore · 25/10/2022 21:50

I think that poster is referring to the numerous PPs saying "But he's not that big!" It's quite shocking to see how many posters see it as a relatively normal BMI.

He may not be so big he can't squeeze through doors, but he is very big.

I agree. I'm really conscious of the fat around my stomach at 1/2 a stone overweight. I'm getting older so starting to think about it more.

My DH is the same height as OP's and at that weight I would be worried about his health.

OP's DH needs to take a look at himself for his families sake and it is not fair on OP.

Octomore · 25/10/2022 22:10

ComeonoverValerie · 25/10/2022 22:04

Has he got an underactive thyroid? This would explain the tiredness and weight gain. Send him to the doctors for bloods.

He's a grown man who can't even be arsed to go to the GP about his own symptoms. The OP isn't his mum.

JOFFCV · 25/10/2022 22:21

Family's - it is late