Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Op at that weight he should be completely capable of full-time work and splitting childcare and housework.

I know kids are full on, but if one day after a decent sleep running around after them leaves you feeling this tired, something else is going on. Are YOU sleeping OK? Have you been checked out at the docs recently.

Re your partner, I think it's reasonable to tell him that you don't know if the relationship will work is its all left to you constantly. It isn't his weight per se, I'm having then him and slightly shorter and run around after two toddlers all day. I take them on the bouncy castles and chase them up the stairs and down the slides. I help our at Beavers for my older one and I do my share of the housework. Yes I need to lose weight and is be able to run longer and faster etc but I'm certainly not squished into a chair unable to move. Also no sign of diabetes. So it sounds like it's about his attitude and energy levels. He COULD address that. He's choosing not to.

Id focus on that over the weight.

Meh, I couldn't unhappily live with some fat slob just because I'd uttered some made up vows years before when he was slimmer and me more naive. But to me religious vows may as well be a nursery rhyme as I don't believe in the all powerful sky god.

Has he been checked for diabetes? Wanting to sleep all the time is a symptom.

The key things here are to get a sleep apnoea diagnosis and treatment, and diabetes treatment. The weight itself isn't driving his risks, it's those things, one increases risk of heart attack and strokes and diabetes (if not managed) is increasing his risk of all kinds of things such as foot/leg ulcers. He will not be able to do lifestyle change if he's exhausted from sleep apnoea for starters.

I don't think bariatric surgery is the first port of call here at all. He's eating to tryto keep himself going as he feels shit and exhausted all the time. Solve that with a sleep apnoea machine and he will naturally lose weight and be able to participate in more activities anyway.

@SleepingStandingUp I have two health conditions which have series of flare ups across the year and are worsening with age. Not the focus of the thread but I think possibly why I’m on my knees caring for him and the children.

Are you on crack? That is the most demented post I've read on here for a while, and that's saying something on this site.

I’m 5’6 and 16 stone and he’s either lying about weight, lying about the impact or you’re massively over-reacting. I’m a size 18, it’s hardly huge huge.

Boring 😴

So my husband has similar issues but he has a list of actual conditions including heart failure but looks after the kids, works full time - just and does housework. I can only think there's more going on here.

The weight in itself shouldn't be an issue, you can run about and go on rides etc at that 'obese'. He's nowhere near needing surgery either.

However, the lack of parenting is. He shouldn't be exhausted, and tests need to be done to see what's occurring.

Don't focus on the weight, focus on him contributing more to childcare.

You don’t know if he’s in need of gastric surgery or not!!!

Believe me, I am in NO way playing down how life is post op….im speaking from my own experience and all the research I have done. I was 16 stone when I had my surgery, and I’m now less than 10 stone and never felt healthier. I suffered from various health conditions, 5 back operations and a myriad of medications and this all impacted on my ability to lose weight….despite being a Slimming World member for 4 years and eating exactly like the plan advised.

Sadly, some people cannot shift the weight due to other factors they have no control over!!

I am merely giving my opinion on something that could actually be a resolution for this man and also a burden lifted from his wife, and who knows, it could also improve their marriage and family life, so unless you actually know what you’re talking about, instead of claiming he “can’t be arsed” you’d be as well scrolling on and saying nothing!!!

I am 5ft 4 and I was 14 stone 4 in July and to other people, I would appear to weigh considerably more than that, as the weight was all around my middle, so I looked like I was 20 weeks pregnant! I think the area you put on the weight is important as although my BMI was lower than your DH I struggled with simple tasks like turning over in bed, got out of breath going up stairs etc. I wore size 24 clothes I have now got down to 11 stone (I am 5ft 4) and am in size 14 but still have a big stomach so again if you saw me, you would think I weighed a lot more. My wakeup call was diabetes, high cholesterol and fatty liver.

I am not dieting, just eating what I should have eaten in the first place and losing weight in the process. I could weigh 8 stone and still look fat to others, so weight, height and body composition are very individual to people. I can now take part in life again and hope to continue to do so, but I was incredibly depressed, which caused me to overeat in the first place, a combination of lockdown and my best friend committing suicide and being aware of time passing me by (I am 57) I almost had given up on myself and was eating and smoking myself to death. I wonder if your DH is also struggling with depression.

But that is a BMI of 36. That is really big. This thread seems full of denial and defensiveness.

I suspect that the sleep apnea is probably at the root of the problem. A CPAP machine can be life changing - no more falling asleep during the day, no more craving carbs/sugar for energy.

Defo get him to doctor. I'll echo the others that he is not obese enough to be practically disabled. It could be his heath conditions that are not being treated that's the problem. If he refuses to go then thats a different problem.

The issue on these posts also tends to be that the wife has been pregnant and had children, plus is exhausted doing all the housework and gets no time to herself, but is also expected to maintain her figure/appearance. Not the same as in this situation.

I’ve struggled with my weight for years following a failed back surgery. I’m not far off your DH weight and only 5’3 but I go walking and have joined slimming world. Would he go for a short walk as a family of an evening and then a bit further each day?

Ultimately, you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves so I would say he needs to do this for the sake of your family.
Slimming world is good as you can eat well but healthily.

She must either be extremely muscly, or maybe a child still? (BMI for children can be off)

Even someone like Serena Williams (who has serious muscle for a woman) has a normal healthy BMI.

Op I've only read page one.

I'm not at such an extreme weight However I am over weight and it's sad for me to read this because this is me and DH.
He's the active one but I do soo much else with them.

105kg is obese at any height below 6'2"

If you're taller than 6'2", it's just plain overweight.

Yes but not the way you describe at all ! Most people on that weight range can run lots , play with the kids and do anything as normal

@Josette77 I don't think people are saying oh it's not overweight, just that it's not overweight enough to account for the issues
My BMI is 34 at the min and makes me a size 16 which while overweight, doesn't stop me from doing anything exercise wise

I expected your husband to be a lot more than 110kg by the way you were talking. Yes it’s fat, especially for his height, but he is hardly a weight that should be ‘disabling’ and I’m surprised that he’s so unable to do anything.

Either there is something else medically wrong with him, or he’s a lazy bastard and he’s simply unwilling.

He’s not that big. My ex weighs about 25 stones and is the same height as your DH. My sons soon won’t have a dad and I’m scared.