Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

This. YANBU

"He incidentally is very judgmental of women who gain weight, I always stayed on top on my weight."

Id dump him for the sexism and hypocrisy, never mind the obesity.

there’s an awful lot of people who seem to genuinely believe that being overweight isn’t that bad if they can walk 5 miles etc. Sure it’s better to be overweight and able to walk 5 miles without gasping for air, but it’s still far from ideal and you are putting yourself at higher risk of all kinds of diseases. Losing weight isn’t easy, but it’s achievable. Having the willpower long term though is what’s so difficult, hence why surgery is often what people will seek. That’s far from easy either. Bit late for many but better to stop and take action before buying clothes in the next size as there’s one of the many warning signs

YANBU

I'm obese.

I wasn't ready to lose weight because I wasn't mentally well enough to, so I needed to get myself mentally well. That was step 1.

Now I feel mentally well enough, I am on the path to losing weight. I'm doing this by whatever means necessary whether it's diet, exercise, medication or surgery. I'm ready.

Your partner isn't being a partner. There not being equal.

This isn't a partnership any more.

Sometimes partnerships are more take than give for some time while you get on an even keel, but he's not even trying.

Leave and don't look back.

That’s exactly what I’ve said. He’s had warnings of diabetes and has sleep apnoea. Both conditions that can make you absolutely exhausted. Yes slim people can have diabetes and sleep apnoea but they are strongly correlated with weight gain so if he gets those conditions under control and loses some weight he will feel a lot better. You could be his weight/height and not have sleep apnoea and diabetes if you have lucky genetics and you wouldn’t feel as shit as he must do.

the article you’ve linked states clearly that bmi is not a perfect measure of body fat if someone is muscular, very short or very tall. It doesn’t say it’s totally useless. It shouldn’t be used isolation but the op isn’t going to be giving us his nutrition plan, blood test results and waist to height ratio is she? If his bmi was borderline “normal” say 27 or he was really tall I think I’d question it’s usefulness but he’s not his well into the overweight range and he’s a much higher risk for conditions like the two he’s got as well as heart attacks.

It's not unreasonable to leave him no - you can leave for any reason you choose.

I thought you where going to say he was a lot bigger tho - DH is 23st and 5,11 so a lot bigger then yours ( he's always been big but gained a good 5 stone since covid )

BUT he is still very much an active dad - we spent the summer literally hiking up mountains so for his size he's surprisingly active ... I won't say healthy as it's really not healthy to be his size and I do genuinely fear for his health and I'm desperate for him to have surgery but he's currently trying to lose the weight himself. He has no issues with energy levels and never has a lay in/early night or nap

All that said - the day he checks out of parenting due to his size I wouldn't hesitate to leave if I thought it would improve mine and the kids' lives.

My grandma smoked a pack a day and lived till she was 93. Doesn’t make smoking good for you!

I understand what you're saying Op. You're getting a flaming (as you knew you would) but it isn't easy watching someone you care for getting more and more overweight and knowing it's just going to keep happening. I'm afraid your DH has his head firmly in the sand. He must know he should see a Dr about his sleep problems and to check his diabetes but he doesn't want to face the reality.
I do feel sorry for him, he must be worried, but no one can make this change for him.
I feel sorry for you too, stuck doing all the running around after your DC when he should be helping, and worse still knowing you can't do anything to make him change. If you've really had enough then it's time to make your point of view clear

I think YABU.

Why doesn't anyone take their marriage vows seriously anymore?

For better or for worse?

17 stone isn't that obese. I thought he was going to be about 25stone plus. It's not great admittedly but certainly isn't horrific.

Frankly - I think you need to be more supportive. If this was the other way round, and you were posting saying you were say 15 stone and your husband was thinking of leaving you, there would be uproar.

Maybe he eats because you're difficult to live with?!

No idea of my dad's BMI/ weight but he had a fairly regular middle-aged man belly (by 1990s standards) until his death from a heart attack in his early 50s. Having lost a dad part way through childhood, I don't have much patience for people who persistently ignore the warning signs of their health and fail to act on it to save themselves.

Clearly OP's H is not fit and thriving at a BMI of at least 38 (if he's being honest about his weight as it may be more by denial or deceit). To ignore the toll of your health and lifestyle on your family is as damaging as are other addictions such as excessive drinking, drugs or gambling.

Where there are health conditions that the person has done their best to investigate and manage and does their best to participate in family life to their ability, that's very different and worthy of support and loyalty.

It doesn't sound like this is any kind of "D"H anyway, and his attitude to potential health issues is symptomatic of wider problems in their relationship.

Bullshit. My daughter is an elite athlete - shows as obese. She has a bloody 6 pack for crying out loud it's hilarious!

I don't understand, are you sure it's his weight stopping him doing things as opposed to he can't be bothered or he's severely depressed? I'm 5'8" and used to weigh 115kg (and was prediabetic) and I could still run 5k, get around fine etc. I've lost a lot of weight back to normal BMI but it's not night and day energy difference
I thought you were going to say he was 130kg+

Jesus Christ, maybe he eats because Op is difficult to live with ?!
why is literally everything women’s faults 😂😂
sound like my OP, who when my DH lost his bank card and was moaning to her, said maybe I had thrown it away because I didn’t know how important it was. It’s a bank card ffs

My MIL that should say !

He needs to be checked again for diabetes NOW. And sleep apnea. The massive tiredness and napping may well be from one of those (or both).

Stop accusing him of being lazy and unattractive and push him to get medical help.

I don’t know how I’m difficult to live with. I do the vast majority of everything. He’s never been to a parents evening, or cleaned the house or done any gardening. I do almost everything and enable him to work very little to accommodate his tiredness. I’m now exhausted. I really tried to keep us together as I truly wanted the kids to have parents who are together but today I’m exhausted. It’s not their fault they are active but I’m just exhausted. I didn’t know anyone could survive being this tired.

Is he very short ? 105 kg is not that overweight unless he is very short . My own partner weights 96 kg and nothing as you describe . Are you sure he is not just lazy ?

Sure she does.
Unless she does strong man or similar she simply won't.

Fascinating how MN always haa someone who knows has someone to prove some myths

This is true. BMI is a guideline, not a rule. If someone is fit, muscular and, clearly doesn't have a lot of body fat, then they are not obese.
However, in terms of this OP, if a person has a lot of body fat, is unfit and unhealthy, yeah, likely overweight/obese.
It's the fat around the middle that does the most harm in terms of diabetes and cardiovascular disease also.

It sounds like he needs to work on his fitness more than his weight tbh, although hopefully one will follow the other.

I am 5ft 7 and around 16 stone. I hate it - I got divorced during covid and it was a disastrous combination that put 3.5st on me. I’m also perimenopausal.
My weight has been stable for 2 years but I go to the gym every morning and swim 2-3 times a week. A recent health check showed my blood pressure is spot on, I’m at low risk of pre-diabetes and heart disease (according to their tools). I’ve never not been able to get on a ride or plane. My kids are older and my oldest loves a dance. You can’t keep me off the dance floor with him!

However, my self confidence is at a massive low which affects many areas of my life. I hide at the back of photos and don’t feel ok about dating again the way I am. I used to love clothes and fashion, but now I use them as a disguise.
And I always feel like I’m on borrowed time before those low risk things start to creep - albeit my general fitness massively mitigates.

Im a size 18 for context, so big, a good two sizes more than my comfort zone, but not enormous.

It sounds like your DH is hugely unfit, and that is the issue. Although of course he (and I) need to lose weight too.

Didn’t say it does. It was a direct reply to someone saying ‘that’s why you never see an obese 90 year old’.

Would your hubby not consider going abroad for gastric surgery?
I went to Istanbul in January and I’ve already lost over 84lbs with just a few more to be at my target weight. After a lot of research etc before deciding on this route, I was overly impressed with how thorough the surgeons are in comparison to the NHS. Since I’ve been, through friends and family asking me about it, there’s been another 7 people been and had it done since March and we all have the one regret….that we didn’t do it years ago. My cost was only £3000 and I can honestly say it was the best money I’ve ever spent.
your husband would be able to eat anything he likes after the sleeve surgery…he just won’t eat huge amounts as he’ll be full up after a small amount. People that had the surgery and previously suffered from diabetes and sleep apnea, now have no issues since losing the weight as it it seems to have eradicated these illnesses as well.

OP I'm really surprised how physically affected he is. I'm 5'3" and I've been 16 stone. I didn't need sleeps, or was ever refused on rides

There's a lot of second guessing in this thread.... op has made it clear how debilitating his weight is. I'm 5'3 as well as poster above and at my heaviest I was 12 stone. I looked heavily pregnant, couldn't bend down to pick things up or tie my laces. Very out of breath a lot of the time and constant indigestion stopping me sleeping and generally making life miserable. My ideal is between 7.5 and 8 stone, but others my height might look skeletal at this weight. We're all different

Firstly, he is in no way in need of gastric surgery.

Secondly, gastric surgery comes with a raft of post op issues, many of which stay for life. It isn't just 'you eat a bit less', you're really playing down how life is, post op.

None of this is because he's fat. It's because he can't be arsed. I do all that stuff and I'm way fatter than your husband.