Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Unless you are an elite athlete with a huge percentage of muscle, it's not a healthy bmi for anyone. Even if someone currently feels fine at that size it increases the risks for an endless list of illnesses over time.

I'm slightly taller and not far off that weight - I've never come across a ride I can't go on, ever. So that part seems to be absolute total bollocks.
There's no way he should be having any of those issues, you've made it sound like he is about 35 stone!!
Bariatric surgery?! It's such a risky op I'm not surprised he doesn't want to! Not for 17 stone for Christ's sake.
If he doesn't want to change, he doesn't have to, you don't have to stay if you're unhappy - so leave if you feel you need to.
It's that simple really.
You certainly don't need to be attempting to talk him into bloody surgery.

He doesn’t really drink alcohol anymore, he just like big portions of food and snacking.

It’s absolutely unhealthy but it’s not a reason to check out of parenting. That’s a personality issue.

But reading this thread you can see numerous examples, myself included, who are heavier weights and do not struggle physically. You cant tie your shoe with a BMI of 36? At a BMI of 43 I do twice weekly 10 mile hilly bike rides, swimming as well as being active every day with a toddler.

What isnt healthy or fit for you isnt the same for everyone else. Weight and fitness are two different things.

You can do it! The thing with him was he didn’t set any timescales and he didn’t stop living. If there was a meal out he went and he enjoyed it but he recorded every single item he ate. If he ate 5000 calories he put them in the APP. And then spent the next few days upping his steps (mainly on the golf course 😃) to put it right. It took two years because he wasn’t restrictive and said it will take as long as it takes.

I admire him for it, but god he was boring for a bit 🤣

Obese or not, he is lazy sexist pig.

There's no fixing that.

Life is too short op. Get yourself free.

This is a myth. Athletes still don't show in morbidly obese or obese cathegory.

Everyone likes to say so though.

Me neither.

Sure, it's an illness, but so is alcoholism. He isn't seeking help or doing anything to change things. Adults need to seek help for their illnesses, and it's not their spouse's responsibility to pick up the slack if they fail to do so.

Yep, a total myth. With very few exceptions (mostly weightlifters or similar), fit strong athletes are in the healthy weight range.

People can be heavier weights and be fit and healthy with it. He, obviously, isn't one of them.
Yes, he is obese in terms of BMI. His health conditions would massively improve were he to lose weight. You can bet he is back in pre-diabetic (if not diabetic) range again.
I'd push him to make a GP appt so he can get referred for a weight management course or go on medication. He certainly needs his blood rechecked.

Weight is an indicator of long term health though. It's why you don't see any obese 90 year olds and is part of the reason life expectancy is falling.

@Cherrytree77
At a BMI of 43 I do twice weekly 10 mile hilly bike rides, swimming as well as being active every day with a toddler.

You are the exception, not the rule. Most folks I've encountered working in healthcare with BMIs in their 40s were not fit like you. They were the opposite.

My 90 year old grandmother is very much obese, she’s wider than she is tall! She still walks to the local village every day to get her paper and a caramel doughnut from Birds!

This. Overweight yes but not ridiculous. At my heaviest I was 12.5 stone and I’m 5ft 2 and still did all the normal parenting things. I bet he could lose weight pretty quickly if he tried.

I dont think any of his issues are weight related....I think they are related to him being a lazy shite who doesnt want to participate in family life

Well I was going to sympathise with you until I read this. My DH was 200kg at the point he got his bariatric surgery and he was at the point you mention your DH is. I questioned whether I would wake up with him dead next to me and whether to leave him just at the point he decided to go for the surgery.

I think you are over exaggerating how much it’s affecting him or severely underestimating his actual weight.

At 105kg, he would need to be taller than 6'2" to not be obese.

I'm quite shocked at some of the weights Im seeing described here as 'healthy' or 'normal'. They're really not!

I was in exactly this position too. When I met my exP he had just lost about 1/3 of his previous body weight and was still sturdy but not obese. I had no idea of his previous weight problems. Whereas I thought it was a bit unfair that he didn’t tell me about them, I could also understand that this could not have been easy. His weight crept back up and within a couple of years he weighed over 200kg which caused a lot of problems, not only logistically, but also financially (food bill!!!) and of course he was never able to help with childcare. Nor go on a ride, air balloon, boat etc. Also went to sleep wherever he went, including cinema and when driving. Consequently we did not go anywhere and I always had to drive (obv).
He was also an abusive and I eventually left him.
I completely understand the stress on the family.

Here is a lot of help out there and treatment for obesity.

But he shouldn’t be resting, he should be doing more physically. Thats part of the reason he is so overweight plus his diet

My other half had a higher bmi in the 40s. He had lacked energy for a long time, was always grumpy and he would always find the nearest seat while I ran round after small children. He would diet, loose a stone or two, and gain it again. I was never bothered about looks but I began to notice him walking differently and my family began to mention things which brought me out of denial. I told him he was only going to get bigger and have health problems.
I was shocked a few weeks later to open a letter in error from a private hospital for him, for a gastric band. The risks were high and I was shocked and against it. But he told me the risks were based on the population that have it done, most of them far heavier than him, unable to move and disabled. His actual risk was lower. We can all preach about good diet and exercise and he knew how to do those things to good effect.
But he said at the end of the day, I'm weak with food, it may not change my eating habits, but it will change my life and let me live longer with my kids. He went ahead and did it, we told no one and I was so worried if something happened to him I'd be blamed.
It went well and it changed everything for us, he is a different person. Motivated, full of energy, closer to our children, better lovelife, his mood is so much better
It's hard to argue it was for the best now we are a couple of years down the road. It did cost a few thousand and the nhs won't do it for your partner as he isn't big enough. My partner pays for the odd band tighten every now and then.
Of course it doesn't cure the psychological need to eat in the first place, but it does stop him being able to have huge quamtities and makes exercise possible.
His blood pressure and cholesterol have come down to normal limits.

Dunno why people are saying a 5ft 7 man of 110kg isn't that overweight.... of course it is!

If it's effecting family life and he's not proactive about it and you're burning yourself out because of it, then of course it's a legit reason to leave.

I had a mini gastric bypass this year when I weighed 16 stone and I'm 5ft 3 which I paid for privately.

I didn't have any related medical issues due to my weight and still worked full time and parented my 6 year old alone. Weigh 10st 5lb now.

The rides thing is so odd

i never did rides with my kids as I have really bad motion sickness. I just took them with friends or let them do rides without me. They’d wave at me.

I also never played football with my kids

dunno, there are many ways to be an involved good parent without the “rides” and football etc

I also can’t imagine falling out of love with someone for putting on 2 stone

He just sounds lazy honestly, and it sounds like he’s taking advantage of you giving him this fat excuse. ‘She thinks I’m exhausted from being fat but really I just fancy a nap’ Etc. I was 105kg last time I weighed myself and have no problem running around after 3 kids, going hiking etc. Can’t remember the last time I needed a nap.