Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

This.

Unless you are a population of white men BMI is not helpful.

This is very reversible - he’s lazy not disabled I was thinking my 600 lb life and bed ridden

Ah, perhaps, and most men tend to massage their height upwards 3 inches, so he may only be 5’4” in reality.

My bmi last year was 37 and I was about 1 stone lighter than your Dh and 3” shorter and I was the active parent.

My BMI is significantly higher than that. I am not anywhere near disabled. And I’ve never not been allowed to accompany my child on soft play frames etc.

I’m obviously no athlete but the idea a man with a BMI of 38 is physically disabled I’d laughable.

agree with this tbh. I’m around the same weight as your husband OP only shorter, I do everything with my kids from parks, to theme parks, ice skating etc, I think there is a small amount of things you can’t go on but very minimal and not enough to cause these issues, I’m very active and don’t fall asleep during the day or have sleep apnea.

I think your DH must just be lazy and you’re not at all unreasonable for that irking you a lot, he either shapes up or ships out.

He sounds disgusting, to be perfectly honest.

110kg and 5'7"

I don’t know why people are pointing out that they are fatter than him but can still run after their kids. That’s entirely consistent with what we know about obesity. Being obese increases the chances of you having certain conditions it doesn’t guarantee it. My bmi only has to get to higher end of normal for my cholesterol to go into red zone, someone else’s bmi could be obese but still have healthy cholesterol levels. It’s totally understandable that a possible diabetetic morbidly obese man with sleep apnoea feels like shit and needs lots of naps.

if he gets his sleep apnoea and potentially diabetes treated he might find it easier to lose weight because he won’t feel so exhausted.

oh and bmi is a useful scale if you aren’t an athlete or on the extreme ends of height and weight. The fact that the scale shows athletes as obese is totally irrelevant to ops post unless the drip feed is he’s actually a weight lifter

It’s been really helpful hearing from people who weigh the same and manage to stay active, I maybe will have better luck on the side of asking him to go to the doctors regarding his sleep apnea, diabetes and thyroid.
I feel I have been really supportive of his health needs ie working full time to support the family, taking the lion’s share of childcare on to allow him to rest.

I don't know why some people are acting like he shouldn't be struggling with a bmi of 38. My highest ever bmi was 36, and I struggled with everything! Couldn't run, joints ached, only just reach to tie my shoes. It's not a healthy size to be despite what some people would like to believe.

I don’t know why people are pointing out that they are fatter than him but can still run after their kids

TBH I am not sure why everyone's still talking about the obesity when the thread's moved on to show this is a very troubled relationship with some history of abuse. I suspect that might have much more to do with the OP being tired of him than the extra 4 stone.

BMI is not accurate.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265215

People are pointing out that his weight alone isn't enough to cause these issues and they either something is going on health wise aside from his weight that is causing these issues or he's at it.

He doesn’t need surgery if he’s only 110kg / 17 stone. He needs to shift his backside a bit more. Aside from the fact you’re exhausted, I would tell him you’re no longer attracted to him and this is not what you signed up for. You might aswell be a single parent if you’re doing all the days out and activities on your own. Tell him he needs to have lost 2 stone by April the 1st. Like other posters have said, from what you described, I thought he was going to be 25 stone plus. He just sounds a lazy arse. Days out with the kids would massively help shift some weight.

The nhs website suggests acceptance for gastric surgery at a BMI of 40 or 35 and over with weight related condition. He only weighed 95 kg when he had pre diabetes so I would guess he has it now 5 years on and 10kg heavier.

I have just dropped below the obese category and am loosing a lot of weight now with Dr Michael Mosleys Fast 800 plan. I have lost 5kg and plan to be by 10kg by Xmas. I’m loving the plan and the food. Michael Mosley has a realistic vision for people to maintain their weight too. I had to do this as I have shitty knee and need to drop my weight to improve it and eek out 10 more years walking before my knee Joint op. It’s will power.

It's unlikely he would qualify even if he begged. At the height of my desperation will with a BMI within that range I begged for be referred and was told no. The fact that I'd kept very detailed food diaries and had been diagnosed with PCOS wasn't good enough. They gave me medication with horrendous side effects and sent me on my way. Looking back I'm glad as the risks and side effects of bariatric surgery shouldn't be taken lightly.

At 16 stone and 5'7, that's heavy but not a disabling type of weight. I'm surprised he'd be excluded from fairground rides. Sounds like a matter of attitude rather than weight, and tbh sounds like you just don't like him much.

It's not awful to leave him at all. His selfishness - not getting help, controlling his eating, taking responsibility - is what is awful here. Making you do all the heavy lifting, parenting-wise, is awful. Setting this example to his children is awful.

I wouldn't stay.

I don’t want to minimise your feelings as they are very valid but he really isn’t so big as to be virtually disabled. I suspect very little would change if he lost weight.

I think there are weightless injections available on the nhs to patients over a certain bmi, would be worth him looking into this before surgery.

He may find it easier to change his behaviour when he's lost some weight to start with, either way he probably need clinical support from his gp.

5.7 and over 17 stone is a lot, especially if you put it on all around your middle like the op says he does

That isnt a healthy size...for YOU.

I weigh more than that, am shorter than that and have been a single mum for 13v years (since DC were 5 and 3)

It sounds to me like he's lazy and using his weight as an excuse.

The sleep apnea may be a huge part of this. Chronic exhaustion will make it very hard to combat the overeating and leave him feeling low and lethargic thus more weight goes on, sleep apnea gets worse, ad infinitum. Does he have a cpap machine to help his breathing at night? Also, does he drink at all as people often underestimate the calories there?