Absolutely sick of dh

[partypants22]

My dh is 10 years older than me and until now I've never seen an issue with the age gap. We had a baby this year and I have primary age ds from a previous relationship. He's always been a good stepdad, stepped up and helped out where needed but never overstepped the mark.

Since we've had our own baby life has gotten much more chaotic. I especially find it hard to meet the needs of dc with such different ages. I don't want ds to miss out on things but equally it's not always possible to drag baby along to certain activities either. This is where I'd like dh to step in a bit he doesn't. At a push he will look after dd while I take ds out somewhere for a few hours. He has no interest in 'family days out' to places like theme parks etc where one of us could stay with the baby and the other go on rides with ds. He turns his nose up at family holidays like Butlins. He shows no enthusiasm for my suggestions and makes none of his own. He finds problems about how it won't work or it's not worth it. He just seems to have no interest in family life.

He's good at the day to day stuff, cooking, housework etc but it's almost like since having dd and losing our freedom to go out every other weekend (when ds at his dads) he just can't be arsed with anything. He also does the bare minimum of dd care which after 8 months is wearing thin too. I expected to do the lions share while on maternity but unless I'm going out which is incredibly rare everything gets left to me.

I find it so sad that he has such little interest in our family life. I want our dc to have good times and make good memories. It's hard with the age gap but not impossible if we work together. His lack of interest is making him so unattractive to me. Aibu to expect a bit more? I end up just seeing him as a boring lazy old man.

You seem to have identified that a lot of this pressure is coming from Facebook comparison (which isn’t real anyway) and anxiety.

In your position I would stop expecting enthusiasm for family trips and settle for participation from dp. You must know he isn’t going to set the world on fire, but he does sound like he cares and contributes in other ways. It’s easy to ignore what he is doing well, but a balanced view is that he isn’t life and soul but a stable plodder .

Work with what you have op. Leave dd with dp and go out and enjoy 1-2-1 time with ds. He will much prefer your full attention more than anything else. Use dps lack of get up and go to your advantage. Babies are better with good routines and plenty of Daddy time.

Are you able to do things on your own with ds? Like mini golf? Afternoon out etc? Or does your anxiety limit everything?

The age gap isn't your issue. The issue is that he's not interested in doing things as a family. That's not age related, that's just your DH's personality.

Maybe though, he feels pressured as, due to your anxiety, he feels that he always has to accompany you everywhere? Is it really not possible for you to take your dc out on your own occasionally? Maybe he'd then feel like he was missing out and want to join you.

Ultimately though, you need to have a frank discussion with your DH and tell him to step up. Most people don't want to spend their time doing kid related activities, but they do it for the benefit of the children. That's his job as parent now.

I think he sounds anxious and possibly depressed. When my husband was at his worst going out just didn’t seem like it was worth the energy, he was so anxious that something would go wrong, not always big things, but they just add to the anxiety.

I think age could be an issue, he may be worried he won’t cope, he may be looking at other adults his age whose kids have gone off to Uni.

Staying at home is less stress, it’s easier for an anxious person. Paternal postnatal depression?

I think he will improve in time, but he might need some help. Just have a heart to heart with him.

@Kissingfrogs25 anxiety limits some things but I am able to do local things in places I am familiar with. I feel such a failure writing that. If I had more confidence and less anxiety I could do the things I want with ds and not rely on dh so much. But yes we often do local parks, cinema, bowling, farms that sort of thing. It's just things that involve travel or somewhere new that tend to cause problems for me.

We have a ssimilar age dynamic - he's 15 years older, so wrapping around your ages a bit.

And similar to your dh, he never suggests anything to do, but is great with cooking and housework.

I view it as that we both had our own lives before we got together, and having a child adds to that, but it doesn't change that.
Dd is now 10, so not the same situation as you in that respect, but dh never planned his annual leave around when we were available - mainly because when dd was first born, I was working at the shop so didn't get holidays. He'd take her to the playgroups if it matched his day off.
Generally, we have holidays separately. Once a year, we go together -usually to see my family with a bbit of a break for the 3 of us added on.
But otherwise, dd and I ggo off on our own, a few days here, a week tthere, a day out here and there.
She is now 10 and we have lliterally only just taken our firsr 10-days' holiday as a family at a holiday resort.

It's not a bbad thing if you end up doing that too. It might make life a llot easier and make you dislike him less if you don't wait for him to make a move.

I have massive anxiety too.
I make my dd go up and ask for things if possible, and have always used her as my puppet - if I talk to her in front of the receptionist or cashier, etc, they can't see my anxiety and it looks like I'm involving her rather than hiding behind her

Maybe your DH has the same anxiety you have about doing these big excursions, to London, theme parks, Butlins. But you're calling him boring and lazy. If it's driving

Sorry - if its driving anxiety - driving long distances or to unfamiliar places - it's possible that's an anxiety you both share. If he's similar in how he acts at home - then sure it's reasonable to call him boring and lazy. But to me - it seems you're similar to each other in many ways but yours is 'anxiety' but his is 'boring old man'.

No, she drugged him & stole his sperm 🙄

That’s really quite frustrating that you want exciting things for ds but you can’t do it due to anxiety. I can’t help but feel you have transferred some of this distracting to dp, as you expect him to step in and facilitate.

What treatment/meds are you on? Are you getting proper help? Or just powering through the best you can?

You have been so brave admitting to yourself that your anxiety is holding you and ds back. It is painful to say it out loud. Looking at the obstacles and barriers to having the life you hope for is essential.

Distraction - should read frustration

Btw I am not excusing dh just trying to understand what is preventing you enjoying adventures with ds without him/them.

We have figured out that you feel some guilt about ds that makes you want to do lots of adventures with him, and this is not for the baby as she is too young to appreciate it and most babies are best left at home for older child activities. DS would probably prefer your sole attention anyway, and to spend time with just you and not his stepfather or baby sister all of the time.

So what is stopping you? You said anxiety.

So I am 10 years older than my DH, I have more energy and motivation than him. He is a couple of years older than your DH but he sounds a lot like him. The mind boggles at the thought of my DH starting a family now, he just couldn't be arsed to step up. We have DGC and that's about his limit.

48 is old to have his first child, how much did you discuss the impact of a baby, had he ever spent any prolonged time with a baby before this one? Your older DC is different, he was never as dependant as a baby when your DH met him and could entertain himself to a certain extent, and you already said the majority of parenting was left to you.

Stop comparing, it will suck the joy from anything you do, and you will see all the negative in your DH and none of the positive. Bridging the gap between those ages is difficult so stop putting pressure on yourself. Leave your DD with her dad and enjoy time with your DS. Work on your anxiety so that you can go further afield if need be.

Maybe start a post about what others do when they have such a big age gap so that you get some good ideas and positive feedback rather than 'your DH is a nob' type of replies?

A lot of men just don't see childcare as their job and are not interested in family life. Did you discuss any of this before you got pregnant?

I feel sorry for the husband in all this. His wife whinges about him not playing happy families according to her playbook, but she won’t organise fun stuff for the kids herself because she gets anxious. The poor chap is expected to parent a baby, a pre-teen and an anxious adult.

Can you get help for your anxiety via Gp or counselling. It’s very limiting if you need an adult with you. It’s great for your ds if you can do stuff together.
If you are worried re him missing out scouts etc will take him on activities.

I'm stunned at the amount of people that think 48 is getting on and they need to be winding down!!

We're mid 50s and have tons of energy. Maybe a trip to the doc is needed.

Reading this thread makes me chuckle, neither DP nor I were taken on endless days out. We awoke, went and played with friends, repeated, and rinse.
You need to talk about expectations, I don't think Butlins or standing around at a theme park with a pram whilst the other enjoys the rides is appealing tbh.

@BadGranny @Kissingfrogs25 @aintnothinbutagstring all make really good points.
Look at the positives you are both bringing to the family, you're both decent people doing your best.
But things could be better and not necessarily by changing yourselves but maybe by adjusting your outlook and expectations to something fairer.
A new thread asking for tips for a big age gap is a good suggestion.

Take yourself off Facebook. Comparison is a complete happiness killer. Me and my dh have been deeply involved in a big project for 5 years now, half my kids life, it completely dominates our 'free' time and our kids have had to take a back seat a lot. We do what we can.
I have had to stop myself looking at what other families get up to, it just makes me feel crap. It isn't for forever, and my own childhood was very dull as we lived in poverty then so they're having a better time than I did and they're thriving actually, though on paper things look a bit boring.

Do you have an 8 month old baby though? I think it's that that's tiring rather than being 48 per se

48 isn't old but having your first ever baby at 48 may be a shock to the system. I'm in my 60's with plenty energy, just got a puppy! My God I'm knackered I had forgotten just how much hard work it was.

I can't think of many of my friends who would start a family at 48.

How many young babies do you have exactly?

It’s very easy to stay very active when you can sleep all night every night!

There is a good reason why nature ensures our eggs and fertility comes to an end in our early forties, and that is because our bodies are preparing for older age and the menopause. We are not equipped to deal with the exhaustion and demands of young babies 247.

You say that he doesn’t have many friends and is estranged from much of his family. He doesn’t sound like someone who’s that good at maintaining relationships and putting the effort in to maintain them, tbh.

I think you’re going to have to teach him how to parent, OP, it does take effort and as the parent of teens, I can attest that sometimes, you really can’t be bothered! But he needs to try abit more. Perhaps organize an easy day out to a park a little further away or a farm with a petting zoo if there’s one close by. Sonething low stress to demonstrate that taking children out doesn’t need to be a big hassle.

London and theme parks might be abit much now…although a baby is easier than an toddler, tbh. Would he be willing to take just your DS put for the day as that would be much easier and perhaps make him realize that days out with kids can be fun?

OP clearly says that she is anxious about going out with the two DC on her own. Her DH isn't expected to do that - she just wants him to come along on family trips with two adults and two DC.

From your update I do think that there might be an issue of you feeling very anxious and worried about ds missing out, vs dh very laid back/disengaged. It could be that there can be a happy medium found. It does sound like you are tiring yourself out trying to do so much, and actually I think a relaxed mum and relaxed half term holiday, with a couple of trips out, would be a perfectly lovely memory for the children.

You can't do everything all the time, especially not with a baby! She will be a toddler soon and there will be stuff you can do with both kids. It won't hurt your son to have a more relaxed holiday without constant entertainment. Being a bit older he may even enjoy a bit more freedom to chill - as long as there are a couple of nice things planned.

I do get the anxiety about baby etc. When I had my first baby I felt awful about not giving all my attention to my stepdaughter, as I always had. And when I had my second baby I felt terrible taking my attention away from my toddler dd, especially as my older stepdaughter had had so much more time as centre of attention!

It is hard! But the reality is you have two children now, and there will be many benefits to having a sibling for your DS. The dynamics do shift, but that is not a bad thing. My stepdaughter actually grew hugely as a person with the experience of having a younger sibling. And she loves it. It really brought out the best in her and taught her empathy and sharing etc. The same might be the case for your older DS.

As others said, I think you need to have an open discussion about the way you and DH see family life being balanced in the future. What would his ideal holiday or year look like as the kids grow up? What would yours look like? You might be able to find common ground or some hope for the future if it turns out he just doesnt want to go mad with activities during the baby stage.