Absolutely sick of dh

[partypants22]

My dh is 10 years older than me and until now I've never seen an issue with the age gap. We had a baby this year and I have primary age ds from a previous relationship. He's always been a good stepdad, stepped up and helped out where needed but never overstepped the mark.

Since we've had our own baby life has gotten much more chaotic. I especially find it hard to meet the needs of dc with such different ages. I don't want ds to miss out on things but equally it's not always possible to drag baby along to certain activities either. This is where I'd like dh to step in a bit he doesn't. At a push he will look after dd while I take ds out somewhere for a few hours. He has no interest in 'family days out' to places like theme parks etc where one of us could stay with the baby and the other go on rides with ds. He turns his nose up at family holidays like Butlins. He shows no enthusiasm for my suggestions and makes none of his own. He finds problems about how it won't work or it's not worth it. He just seems to have no interest in family life.

He's good at the day to day stuff, cooking, housework etc but it's almost like since having dd and losing our freedom to go out every other weekend (when ds at his dads) he just can't be arsed with anything. He also does the bare minimum of dd care which after 8 months is wearing thin too. I expected to do the lions share while on maternity but unless I'm going out which is incredibly rare everything gets left to me.

I find it so sad that he has such little interest in our family life. I want our dc to have good times and make good memories. It's hard with the age gap but not impossible if we work together. His lack of interest is making him so unattractive to me. Aibu to expect a bit more? I end up just seeing him as a boring lazy old man.

It sounds like he liked your life when he was a stepdad and could enjoy childfree time with you when your son was at his dad's as well as being part of a family. Was he enthusiastic about having a baby or was it led by you?

I am knackered! And I am fit, energetic and 48 - and have teens. Some weekends I am just knackered and if someone wanted me to entertain a baby all weekend at Butlins I really just couldn’t face it! I am not unsympathetic to his plight.

Frankly, he should have thought about this before agreeing to have a child! He chose to become a father so he owes it to his dc to try and be a good one.

Agreed but as he isn’t here to explain why he thought a newborn baby was a good idea pushing fifty we will have to assume he was keen (ish) but not prepared.

It sounds like his first child, so maybe it’s hit him hard, and he isn’t a spring chicken.

Being a good father is not signing up for butlins!
It is day to day housework, cooking, cleaning, contributing financially, commitment and many other elements. Reading and rocking the baby, baby care and unconditional love. He may do all of these things on a daily basis.

Op it sounds like you feel some guilt with your son and this is more about him than the baby. Why can’t you and ds do some fun things and dp and dd stay at home?

Oh OP, I feel for you. There was a 9 year difference between myself and ex, he's 45 and naturally I am younger. Like a PP has said however, it's not an age thing. It's a selfish thing

Caravans etc he feels are below him. I'm not a fan of them either tbh, however you do these things for your kids. He thought a Disneyworld holiday each year was sufficient to keep a kid entertained, however it doesn't work like that. He wasn't interest in doing anything as a family, even walks etc or going to see family. He worked hard all week (as do I, both FT) so felt he could justify spending his weekends in the pub then doing nothing on a Sunday. Our son even comments that all dad did was lay on the couch

We've been separated a wee while now, and on the weekends he has our son he has been taking him places, which is great for our son. I however will know he's only doing it to show off. He never bothered in the past, and it's only a matter of time before it wears off (I hope not for our son)

I generally think men are just more selfish than women, and their priorities are more self centred. I'd have a serious look at your relationship. I wish I had nipped this in the bud a long time ago, however stayed hoping he'd change. Unfortunately the reality is that they won't

All you can do is talk to him. A first time dad at 48 obviously never really had strong urge to be a dad. You can’t change what’s done though. I’d want him to have baby while you go out alone or with ds.
I’m 47 and feel like I’ve aged years in last year - age does affect you so it might be that in part.
My mum and me to a certain extent just cracked on with stuff. If I want to go somewhere with dd I go.
I have good childhood memories but my dad worked Saturday and went to cricket Sunday so days out and things often did involve him but he always came on holiday.
I’ve been away abroad without dh. He comes to some things other things are not his cup of tea. He’s never be type to say let’s go to the community bonfire etc. Arranging stuff as a group with friends works.

Just a thought - the stuff you are talking about does seem to be more for ds benefit than anyone else. I am a stepmother with an age gap between my stepdaughter and younger daughters.

If when my baby was 8 months old my DH was suggesting we go to butlins and theme parks, I would not see these as family trips for the whole family to enjoy - a baby will have no interest in those things and it would basically be a case of babysitting dd for DS benefit. Those things would only really be a family trip for everyone to enjoy if they were age appropriate for both children - when dd is a toddler and up.

It seems that you want DH to be enthusiastic about this stuff when it is mainly about you overcompensating for your older DS no longer being an only child. That's not actually his responsibility. When you have a new baby dynamics do change - it isn't all about the first child anymore - you do actually have to adapt to do activities which are suitable for all family members. The fact that he will watch dd while you take ds to activities is fine - that's his baby so he should obviously look after her. But holidays and theme parks centred around ds, while you have a baby, might be a bit much.

I might be wrong and he is a lazy git who will never change. But thought I would mention this as it's more a case of not wanting to do all this stuff while having a small baby, making a lot of effort for no real benefit to the baby - those activities would actually probably be pretty stressful with a baby.

Have you discussed what he would think about doing with the kids when dd is a bit older?

Some people here must have some suoer high energy levels! (And that’s amazing)

I’m 36, absolutely done and tired, and beyond.
And I’ve been exhausted for a long time.
And I don’t have kids.

*super

I don't think it's his age I think it's his personality. My dh is the same age and is the polar opposite of that.
The fact you said him being proactive 'soon dwindled'.
He's lost touch with friends and family cos he makes no effort.
That's a clear pattern. Sounds like this is the real him and the other version you saw was the honeymoon period big effort version.

Discuss the fact that the kids childhood will pass by and they won't have any memories of experiencing the fun times as a family and ask him is that what he wants.
As a genuine question, because that's where this is going.

Your own marriage will suffer as it is hard to be in love with someone who is so flat and disengaged. Likely if he wants to stick to this way of life you'll end up like house mates.

But you can't force him to want it to be different so all you can do is shine a light on the situation and ask him if this is it.

This was me and XH to a tee.

I didn't want to do all the days out, but did so for the kids. He didn't want to do all the days out, so he stayed home while I did family days by myself.

It's not changed since we divorced. He's not taken them on holiday, or done anything with them bar a few cinema trips to films he would have wanted to see.

It gets really wearing @partypants22 doesn't it?

What I was trying to say is that I want to do things more for the benefit of ds. I don't want him to miss out or suddenly not be able to do things just because there's a new baby.

So I think that's a common issue with step-parenting families. Your focus is naturally on both children but he's probably not bothered about days out that are primarily about a child that's not his.

Thank you this is very good advice.

Also the pp who said I feel guilt towards my ds - also very true. I knew there would be challenges with such a big age gap between the dc but I naively had thought the baby would just slot in to our lives. Things are much harder than I expected and I do find myself worrying that I'm not present enough for ds or he isn't getting the opportunities that he should. To the point where I can myself into a real anxious mess during school holidays because I feel like we have to be doing something daily (not dh, he works but I mean I put pressure on myself to get out with the kids). In reality ds would probably be happy to just sit on his PlayStation all day.

I could leave dd to do things with ds and I sometimes do. She still naps a lot and dh is able to do the basics, feeding changing etc. but she is still very clingy to me so I feel guilt leaving her too! It's just mum guilt all round.

I know I'm probably the issue here as much as dh in some ways. I'm putting too much pressure on us all. But I do maintain that it's not too much to ask for the odd day out together and I wish he would be more receptive to my very infrequent requests.

WTF? My DH is 47 and is running his second marathon next year.

We have three kids and the youngest is 5 years old. DH and I do loads of fun things with them - bike rides, holidays, days out, etc.

The problem isn't that your DH is old, it's that he's really boring.

Days out and holidays with a baby can be a big effort but it's not about Butlins or theme parks it's about the attitude you're faced with. Sounds like you've never had a mutual two way conversation that started with something like 'wouldn't it be good if...' Or, 'how about we...' "when little one is older I'm looking forward to...'

Then he’s a very stupid and irresponsible man. But the baby is here now, and it’s not fair on her to be treated like this by her own father.

OP,

You have a big age gap which unless both parents are completely onboard makes things difficult.

I think you know well he had this baby for you and the reality is that he actually doesn't want to be running around with a young family at nearly 50.

Your son is older so he was happy to do a bit, but he really isn't into the full on experience that a young family involves.

Keep your job FT at all cost, its likely the relationship won't last.

In the interim, dial down massively your expectations of him because they will get you nowhere.

Much better to stay well and healthy and live a calm life until you feel independent enough to make some big decisions.

He is very clearly an old man type who is very set in his ways, who only had a baby for you.

Make the best of things until you feel stronger to decide what you want for the future.

Arguing will only stress you and the children and I suspect will change nothing.

Walks are enough for the baby at this age.

Focus on keeping things as normal for your son as is possible.

Get into the habit of leaving the baby with him so you can do things with your son.

Goid luck.

Good God the outraged snobbery around Butlins on this thread is hilarious.....many kids love the place. In fact my ds has Autism, he didn't even speak until he was 5 and yet he remembers and can recount aspects of Butlins holidays he'd been on as a.toddler with absolute joy. He is now 21 and still talks about those holidays. The reason we took him was because as a child id loved those holidays too and still remember them......The miserable twat of a husbands world won't implode if his kids are enjoying themselves in a place designed for kids.

Can you get him to agree to say, a day out a month? Are there any places he would enjoy going to like historical places or a zoo?
My dh wasn't too enthusiastic about days out but I took that tactic and booked some cheap events in silverstone, airshow and some castles, as he likes history.
Then add snacks and a playground or a ball game for a bit for the dcs.

Completely different situation, assuming your dh actually now has a good nights sleep! Youngest being five is a breeze for most parents. The half a decade of sleep deprivation and intensity is over. Hardly the same comparison!

I sense you are now getting to the real issue here op.
You are describing a lot of ‘mum’ guilt. Dp doesn’t feel this way as it isn’t his child. The baby has been far more tiring and demanding than you imagined and naturally you are aware of the big changes that impact ds. To the point that you were so stressed about the school holidays and going out every day. Even when you really didn’t want to. This is not really about dp is it, you want him to help relieve the terrible guilt you feel.

Why are you feeling guilt?
Is ds sad?
Is he upset?
Neglected?
Why is having a baby sibling a negative thing there needs making up for?

I don’t doubt dp is tired and a bit boring but you seem very riddled by guilt and I am wondering why. Babies are an adjustment but a usually a blessing too. So why do you feel so bad?

Does sound like your awareness you are putting extra pressure on is accurate though (which won't help you let this opposite extreme roll off you).
My dc are 10 and 13 and this summer holidays the first 2 weeks were daily plans for various reasons, at which point they were saying themselves, can we have a relaxed day at home.

Kids need 1-2-1 attention regularly, they don't need days out every day in the holidays.

If you're feeling guilty the big age gap is stretch to make work logistically comfortably, how about focusing on making dd and ds able to build a good bond. If dd brings light and happiness to your ds life, he will value her more than days out. If you centre that it might help your family as a whole.

Can you involve your ds in her life in a way that helps him (and her) have a good relationship. Your dd could help him feel important as a big brother. Do you laugh at the funny things she does with him so he can see past the crying and nappies. Can you help him notice the little skills she is starting to grow and show how he can be a big part of that as she gets older.

Obviously it doesn't take the age gap away but if you are having fun and enjoying each other wherever you are the pressure can come off and you're fully can calm down.

@Kissingfrogs25 I don't know. I really don't. Maybe because I have been used to being a mum of one for over a decade and I'm now finding that splitting my time and energy is creating guilt? I suffer from anxiety quite badly as I mentioned which makes travelling alone hard for me. I rely on dh because without another adult there I tend to feel overwhelmed and panicky. This restricts where I can go with dc on my own so there is guilt there too regarding my own inability to conquer this anxiety. I have no idea where the root of that comes from. Ds isn't unhappy or neglected at all. I maybe compare too much to what his peers and their families are doing on the dreaded Facebook but he isn't unhappy.

But it doesn't detract from the fact that dh is boring and unenthusiastic about family stuff. And life in general. He isn't proactive with much. He gets things done at his own pace (painfully slowly) and needs geeing up constantly. I'm not perfect and I know I create a lot of these issues myself but he could definitely do more to make life more enjoyable.

I had a father like that. He was in his 40s when I was born.

We hardly did anything as a family when I was a child and if we did do something he almost always spoiled it by being negative, saying he was tired or purposely causing arguments.

I think we only ever went on one holiday only during my childhood and teenage years, although money was not an issue.

It got worse when I became a teenager, although I was a really quiet kid who did well at school, and he became abusive towards me at that stage.

The generation gap was a real issue and he also had some very sexist views about women.

I think he was the type of man who simply had no skills or interest in being a father. Many people have kids simply because they think that's what they should do to conform but in reality are just not cut out to be parents.

Anyway back to your partner he really needs to step up if he wants a good relationship with his child. He is 48, not 78 and he should have more than enough energy to actively get involved in family life.

Personally I could not live with someone who is negative like that all the time.