Absolutely sick of dh

[partypants22]

My dh is 10 years older than me and until now I've never seen an issue with the age gap. We had a baby this year and I have primary age ds from a previous relationship. He's always been a good stepdad, stepped up and helped out where needed but never overstepped the mark.

Since we've had our own baby life has gotten much more chaotic. I especially find it hard to meet the needs of dc with such different ages. I don't want ds to miss out on things but equally it's not always possible to drag baby along to certain activities either. This is where I'd like dh to step in a bit he doesn't. At a push he will look after dd while I take ds out somewhere for a few hours. He has no interest in 'family days out' to places like theme parks etc where one of us could stay with the baby and the other go on rides with ds. He turns his nose up at family holidays like Butlins. He shows no enthusiasm for my suggestions and makes none of his own. He finds problems about how it won't work or it's not worth it. He just seems to have no interest in family life.

He's good at the day to day stuff, cooking, housework etc but it's almost like since having dd and losing our freedom to go out every other weekend (when ds at his dads) he just can't be arsed with anything. He also does the bare minimum of dd care which after 8 months is wearing thin too. I expected to do the lions share while on maternity but unless I'm going out which is incredibly rare everything gets left to me.

I find it so sad that he has such little interest in our family life. I want our dc to have good times and make good memories. It's hard with the age gap but not impossible if we work together. His lack of interest is making him so unattractive to me. Aibu to expect a bit more? I end up just seeing him as a boring lazy old man.

My exh was very much like this, he showed no interest in our DC and always sucked the joy out of any ideas I had for a fun day out.

I ended up doing things without him, to the extent of taking 3 under 6 on holiday abroad with my parents instead of with him, as he said it would be boring and too restrictive and wouldn't come. He then holidayed alone with his friends because of course he could manage that.

Fast forward to now, we divorced 7 years ago (because his selfish behaviour escalated to abusive behaviour) now I live alone with my 3 DC. He sees them in the school holidays and they do nothing all day. They are with him at the moment, went on Saturday and are coming back this evening.

In that time they have gone for one walk (he was on a call the whole time) and have visited one neighbour for an hour. The rest of the times dc have been on their phones or watching tv whilst he does his own thing.

He won't change. Since leaving I realise just how short life is and how horrendous it is to sit at home and watch life pass you by.

Don't stay at home waiting for him, take your youngest with you and do things anyway, make it work without him somehow. If you have parents/friends/siblings nearby perhaps ask them to have baby for a few hours whilst you do something with your son. I fully recognize that it's not other people's responsibility but anyone is willing to help you out then take it.

Baby will become easier over time, but your DH will not change, I don't think it's worth waiting for something that won't happen.

Gosh the replies here 😳😳😳 He’s 48, not 68! He shouldn’t be “winding down” - unless someone has serious health issues.

My dh tho still keen on holidays etc is very grumpy and patronising at times.

He is definitely worse than ten years ago.

His lack of patience in the road is getting worse. He is high up at work and sometimes I feel like one of his minions. Pisses me off.

He is also 47.

Really?! I think this is crazy! I am 48 too, I have a full time job and do loads with my kids. It's no age to need to be resting etc unless you have health concerns. It really is a state of mind.

And he doesn't have the baby full time, caring for a baby with a partner standing right next to you to get the buggy off the tube, hold her whilst he gets his coat on or whatever should be very, very easily doable at that age if he is healthy.

To be honest I think a lot of people would struggle with a newborn baby at almost 50.

There are lots of threads on here from mums who have had babies young and then have another 10-15 years later and they pretty much all agree it's much harder the second time round.

Completely agree!

He's not old, he's just lazy and/or has no interest in the baby stage. He might perk up later when DD is a bit more exciting.

Mums coping with babies at that age is (sadly) very different to men coping with babies at that age, esp when it sounds like he isn't even trying!

Just to answer some questions - he wasn't always like this. He used to be the one to plan weekends away for us involving pubs, fancy restaurants etc. This was in the early days though, it soon dwindled. He's still got an interest in doing 'adult' stuff. But when you have young dc there has to be some balance doesn't there. We also have very little help in the way of family for babysitting.

I do have a few friends I could away with but they have their own partners and families. If I did it it would likely be alone. I'm not the most confident traveller especially with a baby but I think it I want to do these things I will have to dig deep and get on with it.

I don't expect to do things every weekend btw! We quite often just go to the park or for a nice walk and he's happy to do these things. But anything out of the norm that requires travel or long periods of engagement just seems like too much effort for him. And no Butlins isn't my dream holiday but it's perfect for kids.

I don't think he's depressed and we don't have financial worries, I honestly think he just can't be arsed.

I think you should read him the riot act about what he has signed up for as a parent. It's not just the day to day, he is responsible for growing a person, giving them skills and experience, teaching them what they need to know. Doesn't have to be Butlins etc but children do need to be taken out and about, shown how buses work, play in the park as a poster above said. These aren't additional
extra options, as they might be for an adult, which you can choose to leave out, but critical developmental inputs.

He is simply not doing the job of a father if he doesn't think through the weeks and months and think which days is he going to invest in developing his child. And children, because his DS needs family time with her brother DS as well, the more so if he's not always there with you all.

I think a lot of parents don't want to do many big days out with young children as they cost a lot of money and often end up in tears.

Has he has a bad experience with a big day out that puts him off? If he's happy to go to the park or a café I'd have thought they was okay with children of those ages?

Stop blaming it on his age, he isnt 70.
Leave the baby with him for the day . As a,start.

If you cannot do that
Leave him

Yeah been there, done that 😁 - had my first at 22 and my second at 33 with a lupus diagnosis in between. It wasn’t fun, and yeah I was exhausted. But I think you’re either the kind of person who wants to do stuff with your kids or you’re not. Age doesn’t change that.

My first and now ex dh was a miserable sod just like the ops dh. I remember dragging him along to a family break at Haven when dd was little - I mean yes Haven isn’t everyone’s idea of fun, I understand that but when you’re on a budget it’s a cheap way of having a holiday - and he took himself off to bed for the 3 days we were there and grunted and groaned his way through every meal. He was 26! We split up not long after that.

I actually think a lot of men are just selfish arseholes who expect their lives to carry on exactly the same as before once a baby arrives.

Sounds to me like he only had a baby because you wanted one tbh.

I'm the same age as the op's Dh, my kids are teenagers now, and yes, at his age I'd not want to have to deal with a newborn, but if it happened I'd get on with it, with a smile, id make the most of it and enjoy the time I had with the dc. Id still want to go on holiday, i'd not want to go to butlins, but I'd make the most of it as the dc would enjoy it.

His age has nothing to do with this, his attitude is everything to do with it.

As a family we've never done theme parks or Butlins but we go out a lot - I suppose we're more in to outdoorsy stuff like walks in the countryside, trips to the beach, National Trust places. Or just going to the park to kick a ball around. Could it just be that your DH is more in to this sort of stuff than theme parks? If my DH suggested a theme park I'd be very unenthusiastic because of the expense, queues and just knowing I wouldn't enjoy being surrounded by hundreds of kids and families. But if DH suggested making a nice picnic and going for a walk somewhere scenic, I'd be well up for it! Maybe you need to find different activities that your DH would enjoy. If he really doesn't want to do ANYTHING then I think he could be depressed.
By the way, I'm about to turn 48 and love going out and about so I don't think this is age related.

Many men pushing 50 do struggle with babies. The lack of sleep and energy required. Winding down I meant as in taking it easy, they tend to know what they enjoy and what they don’t, and become less nimble and flexible with new ideas etc. Our friends range from 48 to 60 and all of the men are pretty much the same. Enjoy more down time, nice holidays and all describe having less energy.

Babies are exhausting. Sorry but they are. He sounds very unprepared for the reality.

Given he sounds like a decent enough man, I suspect he doesn't want the stress anxiety and sheer labour of travelling anywhere with a partner who is "not a confident traveller especially with a baby" as you describe yourself

we went pumpkin picking at the weekend, saw someone with a baby who must have been 6 months old, what was the point? maybe when the child can appreciate it a bit he'll go with it more?

I was going to say something like this.

I've never been to Butlins and don't see why having a baby means you would need to do that sort of holiday rather than say a cottage beside a beach.

Have you tried compromise suggestions? Center Parks rather than Butlins or say Forest holidays. I can see why he wouldn't want to go to a theme park for a day, but if he's prepared to do something else instead then that's ok surely.

Just read your other post. It seems like he is happy to go out for walks and to the park so I'd stick to that. Team up with other families for theme parks. To be honest, I can't think of anything worse than going to a theme park with an 8 month old baby in tow! What a lot of hassle for little reward and the 8 month won't get anything out of it! My children are 12 and 9 and like I've said we've never been to a theme park and they've never asked to go. Their aunt took them to Euro Disney once because she really wanted to go. My kids have very rich lives full of interesting experiences so I'm sure you can find other things to do that DH will enjoy. Also I wonder if he'll be more willing once your DD is older? My DH enjoyed doing fun things with our DC once they got to toddler age.

lol that's nice. I'm not confident doing it alone. It's hard. I'm not ashamed to admit it. You're right though, he is a decent man. Just grumpy and boring at times.

You have just confirmed he is still interested in adult stuff. Like most people at his age he will have established interests, hobbies and cultural holidays. I am sorry to say but his life stage doesn’t seem to match the needs of little babies.
Whilst he can certainly find the energy for a trip to Venice he is less keen on trudging around a Disney holiday.

There is a middle ground.

Make a short list of where he will consider going that will combine both child oriented activities and adult interest. We have never really done the whole kiddy holiday or weekends, we would add in treasure trails to NT days out, or Rome but made sure we had an outdoor pool and plenty of fun. I rarely could face centre parcs but cycled around France instead. Beach holidays can be a good mix with young children. There is a compromise to be found but it starts with communicating honestly and then insisting he gets behind the ideas suggested.

What I was trying to say is that I want to do things more for the benefit of ds. I don't want him to miss out or suddenly not be able to do things just because there's a new baby. Sometimes I think I overthink and over compensate for this. I know the baby won't get much from the activities suitable for an 11 year old but leaving her is hard too. So it's about working together to try and do things that ds will enjoy and baby can be brought along for the ride. As she gets older we will do things for her. By then ds will be a teenager and doing his own thing.

You have my sympathies, my exh (hardly did anything round the house and never looked after the dc), would not go on kids geared family days out such as farm parks and the zoo etc. When we went on holiday was reluctant to do any kids days out although would do one begrudgingly and hated the beach so I never really enjoyed them as I like walking on the beach and engaging with the dc looking in rock-pools, jumping waves and helping with sandcastles or admiring their handiwork making done.

(Thinking about it my exh hasnt got many interests other than his phone, impressing people, and chatting to women).

However, he was more inclined to go out with us if we went to a NT place.

They are family friendly and have kids trails and stuff and many have a den area or playground of some sort but you can also do the adult bits like walk round the garden or house etc.

Kids can also run about on the grass and some of the places also have woodland or country walks.

If you are members it works out good value for money.

Mostly my exh would go to these types of family days out. If not he would be 'busy' on his phone all day sat on the sofa. Too 'busy' to run the hoover round as well.