Absolutely sick of dh

[partypants22]

My dh is 10 years older than me and until now I've never seen an issue with the age gap. We had a baby this year and I have primary age ds from a previous relationship. He's always been a good stepdad, stepped up and helped out where needed but never overstepped the mark.

Since we've had our own baby life has gotten much more chaotic. I especially find it hard to meet the needs of dc with such different ages. I don't want ds to miss out on things but equally it's not always possible to drag baby along to certain activities either. This is where I'd like dh to step in a bit he doesn't. At a push he will look after dd while I take ds out somewhere for a few hours. He has no interest in 'family days out' to places like theme parks etc where one of us could stay with the baby and the other go on rides with ds. He turns his nose up at family holidays like Butlins. He shows no enthusiasm for my suggestions and makes none of his own. He finds problems about how it won't work or it's not worth it. He just seems to have no interest in family life.

He's good at the day to day stuff, cooking, housework etc but it's almost like since having dd and losing our freedom to go out every other weekend (when ds at his dads) he just can't be arsed with anything. He also does the bare minimum of dd care which after 8 months is wearing thin too. I expected to do the lions share while on maternity but unless I'm going out which is incredibly rare everything gets left to me.

I find it so sad that he has such little interest in our family life. I want our dc to have good times and make good memories. It's hard with the age gap but not impossible if we work together. His lack of interest is making him so unattractive to me. Aibu to expect a bit more? I end up just seeing him as a boring lazy old man.

Is his work particularly draining or stressful? He may want peace and quiet and to do nothing in free time to decompress, whereas (assuming you're on mat leave) you want fun and (adult) interaction. Either way talk to him.

I don't think the age gap has anything to do with it. My parents are 65 and 67 and foster. They do loads with the kids and take them on holiday.

He sounds a bit depressed. Might be worth sending him to the doctor. Either way neither of you sound very happy. Even if he had the baby to please you it's not fair to just leave you to do everything and not get involved. If he really didn't want a baby he shouldn't have agreed to have one. Saying he didn't understand how hard it would be is just a cop out. What parents really do understand how hard raising kids is before they have them? Doesn't mean you just check out.

Well I think 48 is old to start having babies. At 48 ours were 20 and 17, I can think of nothing worse than having a baby at that age. I’m not saying he’s right to be disinterested at all, just saying that I’m unsurprised by his lack of enthusiasm.

Sorry you’re having this to deal with alone but I don’t think it will improve.

Had he had a long term relationship before you? I know a couple of men who have never really been in a long term relationship and they are now in their mid forties and I couldn’t imagine them having children. They’re too ingrained in their own life.

It sounds like he might have thought him having a child with you would have felt similar to you and your son i.e. you do most of the work and the child isn’t always around. You’re not unreasonable to dislike this, it would grind me down.

I feel for you op.

This won't get better. This is who he is and at pushing 50 he is not going to change.

You are so young. Don't spend the rest of your one life with a boring man who puts in no effort. You talk about staying for the children but you will just be teaching them that marriage is a place where women put in all the effort and the man sits back complaining.

We don't know what type of father our husbands will be until we have their children. I thought my DH would be a great dad and when we had our twins he proved exactly the opposite. I am now a single parent. It is very hard but we survive and they are thriving. I am so grateful that they are not learning how to be useless human beings from their father.

In the meantime have you any family or friends you can rope in to go on days out with you and the DC? There's so many fun places to go with little ones. Don't miss out just because your husband is a boring sod!

It isn’t an age thing. I’m the same sort of age as your dh and my dh is a bit younger than you. (And we have a 10 year age gap between dc - I had a 9 year old when I met my dh and now we have a 10 year old dc). I have disabilities and still want to do stuff as a family - days out, holidays etc etc. That’s what family is about! Your dh just sounds like he still wants to be a single man.

Not old in general, no, but I don't know many people who would want to be starting a family at nearly 50.

I may be wrong, but it reads to me like he was a bit of a "confirmed bachelor" before meeting OP and probably never had plans to have children until they met.

Not saying that means his behaviour is okay, but it reads a bit like he just went along with it as the natural "next step" without maybe thinking about the reality.

I only asked as I am 50 and I would find having a baby tiring at this point in my life.
I certainly don't have the energy that I had 10 years ago.

You want to make memories with your children - don't let this boring fun-stopper get in the way. Book the holidays and go without him.

You'll soon find that you are more than capable of doing most things without him, if that's what you want.

If he wants to sidestep the family life he willingly created (marriage, children, responsibilities) then he can be made redundant just as easily. EOW on his own with a baby he's never bothered to care for might be tricky for the old man.

He'd had long term relationships before me but not ones that involved young kids. As I said though, he's always been great with ds. He was 6 when we met so still young. I knew dh was nervous about dealing with a baby as he's had no experience with them whatsoever but I thought it was something he'd overcome once he got used to her. He just hasn't put much effort in to learn about her. I'm holding out hope that when she's a big bigger he will feel more at ease but in the meantime it's miserable going through life with someone who just doesn't want to enjoy things. We can't go on holiday because how can you possibly take a baby on a plane. We can't go to London for the weekend because how stressful it would be getting a buggy on and off the tube (I'm not saying he doesn't have a point and it would be tricky but does that mean we just do nothing until she starts school?!)

I don't know, it just frustrates me that he's so happy to do nothing. I feel like I only have a precious few years left with ds before he's a teenager and doing his own thing so I want to enjoy them.

It doesn't really matter whether people think 48 is old to be dealing with young children or not - the point is that this is what he's like, and he's very unlikely to change. Even if he could be persuaded to up his game a bit wrt family life, it's unlikely to last and won't change his underlying attitude. It sounds as if he already had a tendency to be unsociable and low-effort. It would be hard enough for a partner to put up with, but it's really not fair on your children. I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Wild horses couldn't drag me to Butlins, mind you - why on earth would you feel the need to do that kind of holiday just because you have children, unless you yourself actively like that kind of thing?!

Was he happy doing nothing before the baby came along, though?

As in, is it your expectations that have changed rather than his personality?

We can't go to London for the weekend because how stressful it would be getting a buggy on and off the tube

That's just daft. How does he think the millions of people manage who have babies and live in big cities?

Who says he gets to decide and veto ideas?? Go to London without him. People will always help you with the pushchair on the tube. Don’t let him set the pace for everyone else.

My friend could be married to your dh, but she has 2 dc. She booked a few nights away over half term and he made such a fuss about it, she cancelled his room (yes she had to book him a separate room), and went on her own.

She holidays with me and another friend, we all have dc of a similar age and she always says what a delight it is to go with one of us. Even with doubt the amount of children, as we all pitch in and get on with it. We have fun, laugh and smile and make the most of family time.

It really is no way to live, try talking to him op. But tbh it doesn't look good, everyone knows holidays with small children can be difficult, butlins isn't everyone's cup of tea, but we do it because the children enjoy it.

Were you his midlife crisis?

How long did you date before marriage / kids?

How are your finances? Could he be worried about this hence him not wanting to go on days out/holidays?

Whilst I totally understand and agree wholeheartedly with you op, enjoying your children and making the most of this precious time.

I am a similar age to your dh and I could not cope with a baby, assuming he has a full time job. At his age he will be winding down, wanting to take his foot off the gas, look after his health, early nights and relaxed weekends.

You are ten years younger. It is a big difference and may even widen as he hits his late 50s/60s.

You are in completely different places. He is coming up with excuses for your plans because he can’t tell you he doesn’t have the energy.

If you want to stay together then you are going to need to plan your own life. With friends and enjoy theme parks etc independently. Girls nights out etc. That’s the reality now. Choose family holidays carefully to meet everyone’s needs. I am not sure he has it in him anymore.

What @Kissingfrogs25 says.

I don’t think he is depressed just tired.

Honestly I think a short sharp shock, like you saying you want to move out with for a few weeks, or ask him to move out/ go home to his parents to give you both some space. I think he’s got to decide whether this is the life he wants or not and better for the both of you the sooner he decides this. An empty house with no one around might do this for him- he’ll
either miss you and the kids horribly or he’ll love it- decision made.

I have a friend who has an older dad for a partner who is nothing like this- he is lively and positive. No one wants to spend all their time on family days out but people do it some of the time for the kids. There’s no excuse for such a miserable attitude and it’d kill me to live with it long term.

I lived in London when I had a baby. Getting a buggy on and off the tube is easy! Maybe you need to push ahead and do these things anyway, to show him it's not as hard as he thought?

Do you have any couple friends with young DC? As a pp mentioned, could you try meeting up with them so that you have more adult interaction as well as wrangling the DC?

You could try being in charge of alternate weekends (when DS isn't at his dad's). The rule is that you take it in turns to choose what to do each weekend. If he chooses to stay at home and do nothing on his weekends that's fine - but he must participate in the plans you make (without moaning) when it's your turn.

If you try all of the above and he's still a fun sponge.... maybe time to start thinking if this is the life you want.

I mean he sounds a bit dreary so you'll have to decide whether you can stick that out or not. But I don't understand why people have kids and think they have to do big family days out the whole time. We've never taken our primary age kids to a theme park or Butlins. Things like that get expensive really quickly and a theme park is a pain to take a baby.

With our two we're more likely to go up the park with a football or frisbee or whatever for the afternoon. Why can't you both do that with DS and then leave the baby in the pram next to where you're playing? Would DH refuse to do that?
On the weekends where DS is with his other parent you've only got an 8 month old so just do things you would've done pre kids and take her along. She's way too young for specific days out just for her.