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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you don't share your good news with someone on their day?

123 replies

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:31

It was my 40th birthday on Friday and I had a big party that evening to celebrate with friends and family.

A friend texted me during the day to say they wouldn't be able to make the party after all which was a shame as they'd had something to tell me. Cue an announcement they're pregnant and a scan photo. They didn't even say happy birthday.

AIBU to think this is rude?

Unbeknownst to them I've just completed a second round of failed IVF and was really looking forward to celebrating all the GOOD things in my life with everyone that evening so maybe we that's why I felt a bit sore.

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't come and tell me to my face at the party.

Ok go on then tell me I'm pathetic and it's not like someone got engaged at my wedding - I can take it.

OP posts:
whereeverilaymycat · 24/10/2022 19:34

I can understand why you're upset. They could have waited a day to announce and made another excuse for the party. Plus you should have had a happy birthday.
I'm sorry to hear about your IVF, it's really tough.

LBFseBrom · 24/10/2022 19:34

No I don't think it was rude, she was excited and wanted to share with her good friend.

WooWoox2 · 24/10/2022 19:35

YABU

I thought you were going to say they announced their news at your party which would be unreasonable

But telling you privately over message isn’t unreasonable at all.

her not saying happy birthday is rude but a separate issue

bridgetreilly · 24/10/2022 19:36

It was rude not to wish you happy birthday, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the pregnancy announcement.

twoandone · 24/10/2022 19:37

Not saying happy birthday is a bit rude but I'm guessing they're just distracted. You sound very precious about your birthday for a 40 year old.

ZoeCM · 24/10/2022 19:37

They should have said "happy birthday", but other than that I don't think they did anything wrong? Aren't you happy for them?

Begoniasforever · 24/10/2022 19:38

I think if they’d known about the ivf it would be different, but I don’t see how they can’t tell you she is pregnant on your birthday.

GodInventedAmazon · 24/10/2022 19:38

I think under the circumstances, I'd be chuffed for them and understand why they couldn't come . They are excited and didn't want to steal your thunder . I think it's really considerate of them

RisingSunn · 24/10/2022 19:38

Apart from forgetting to say Happy Birthday they have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Luana1 · 24/10/2022 19:39

If she had announced it at your party that would have been terrible behaviour, I do see where you are coming from about telling you another day - but does she know about your fertility struggles? If so she was pretty insensitive but if not then you can't blame her for sharing her news. Good luck going forward, I really hope your next round is successful x

Original poster
Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:39

I am happy for them of course. Others there knew already so for whatever reason they waited to tell me then.

Maybe I am a bit precious!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2022 19:41

She should have said happy birthday and it doesn’t sound like they had a good excuse for not coming to the party. Are they usually flaky and self centred?

If you weren’t dealing with ivf I don’t think telling you she was pregnant at your birthday would have been bad, if you don’t see each often and she’s in the dark about your struggles it’s nice to do these things face to face. And she doesn’t know so I don’t think she’s being insensitive - she doesn’t have a clue she should be being extra sensitive.

I’m against sending scan pictures unless specifically asked for them but we’re all different. I can see why you were hurt but she hasn’t done it on purpose.

Proteinpudding · 24/10/2022 19:41

I think cancelling on the day is a bit rude tbh - so doing that and following up with the pregnancy news feels a bit rude to me. Assuming that the reason for cancelling wasn't due to severe pregnancy related illness/that your birthday party didn't involve clubbing till 3am.

GodInventedAmazon · 24/10/2022 19:42

Sorry @Stripeyrug , I meant to add I hope it all works out for you too

lannistunut · 24/10/2022 19:42

I understand why you are upset about your IVF, but I think you are being precious about your birthday, it is just a birthday. Did they say happy birthday to you at any point, send a card or anything? If not that is a bit rude, but if they have they have despatched their birthday duties IMO.

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/10/2022 19:43

To be honest I don't think they've done anything wrong aside from forgetting to say Happy Birthday (and sending an unsolicited scan photo but maybe that's just me 🤷🏻‍♀️).

If they'd announced it to all at your party that would be another story entirely.

Piffle11 · 24/10/2022 19:43

I think she could have wished you a happy birthday.

BUT ... she didn't know about your IVF treatment. And I really do think that a 40th birthday, and someone telling you privately, isn't the same as someone announcing it at your event/party.

jewishmum · 24/10/2022 19:43

You are deeply hurting from your unfulfilled desire to have children.

They didn't know that.

I think I would be happy and try to involve myself with their pregnancy as much as a friend can, like getting them a gift for the baby, maybe knitting for them and chatting about the pregnancy.

But I don't have your trauma. What happened to you is unfair and can be soul-destroying. You're just trying to stay positive and accepting your life now. It would be great if you could talk about it with a therapist, but it's not always that easy to start therapy. (Cost, time, pain, etc).

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2022 19:43

GodInventedAmazon · 24/10/2022 19:38

I think under the circumstances, I'd be chuffed for them and understand why they couldn't come . They are excited and didn't want to steal your thunder . I think it's really considerate of them

She didn’t say why they couldn’t come? Being pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t go to parties.

tortiecat · 24/10/2022 19:44

You're not pathetic. People are so wrapped up in their own lives sometimes it can make them thoughtless - she should have wished you a happy birthday.

I think you'd have minded your friend's message a lot less had your IVF been successful, though. I have some experience of baby loss and difficulty TTC and the desparation and pain is hard for others to understand, so I really feel for you.

Happy 40th birthday to you and I hope this year brings you joy Flowers

twoastars · 24/10/2022 19:45

YANBU. I would not have felt comfortable sharing my news on a good friend's special day.

However she may have just told you then as she knew others at the party would have mentioned it and you might be upset not to have been told already. I'm sure she would rather have told you in person at the party so I wouldn't hold it against her.

Butterlover1 · 24/10/2022 19:45

I thought you were going to say they made a big public pregnancy announcement at your wedding.

This seems pretty trivial, you seem like a bad friend tbh.

Sleepyquest · 24/10/2022 19:45

I think the fact it was your birthday isn't what is upsetting you. I think it hurts that your friend is pregnant and your IVF sadly did not work this time around. I think this is very understandable and it's hard to be happy for someone given these circumstances. However, hopefully you can get over this so as not to ruin your friendship and I hope you are able to have a baby soon. Happy Birthday x

NumberTheory · 24/10/2022 19:46

I see why you’re upset, but I think this is just unfortunate, not rude. (Though she could have said Happy Birthday).

Anyway - Happy Birthday for Friday CakeGlitterballWine

Hope the party was good and your next year brings you everything you want.

Octomore · 24/10/2022 19:46

Once you're a grown adult, you don't get to claim that your birthday is "your special day".

Your friend didn't know about your IVF and was excited to share her news. Your 40th doesn't trump that, and it's not like she announced it at your party.