to think you don't share your good news with someone on their day?

[Stripeyrug]

It was my 40th birthday on Friday and I had a big party that evening to celebrate with friends and family.

A friend texted me during the day to say they wouldn't be able to make the party after all which was a shame as they'd had something to tell me. Cue an announcement they're pregnant and a scan photo. They didn't even say happy birthday.

AIBU to think this is rude?

Unbeknownst to them I've just completed a second round of failed IVF and was really looking forward to celebrating all the GOOD things in my life with everyone that evening so maybe we that's why I felt a bit sore.

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't come and tell me to my face at the party.

Ok go on then tell me I'm pathetic and it's not like someone got engaged at my wedding - I can take it.

I'd be over the moon if a close friend told me they were pregnant, either by text, at my 40th party or even at my wedding. If they were a good friend then of course I'd be happy. Obviously if they didn't know about your IVF then they would have assumed you would be happy I guess, my close friends have always shared their IVF treatment with me as I was always their to support them so maybe they didn't consider this at all?

However it was a bit weird to tell you in the same message saying they couldn't come to the party and also totally off not to say happy birthday etc.

Rude not to say happy birthday but not rude to tell you her news

Sent this thread to a good friend who has said I am mad to post on Mumsnet and to get off this 'toxic platform '! 🤣

She made a point though - by sending a scan pic all I could say in return was congratulations. Rather than asking anything about why they couldn't come or whatever or expressing awkward disappointment about them not coming.

But thank you for the answers. I am being unreasonably precious especially as they don't know all my circumstances, but I am not being unreasonable thinking it's rude to not say happy birthday and rude to cancel on the day.

And to the pp who said to look at the fertility boards - thank you, yes, I've been on there before and the women are wonderful.

I completely get it, OP.

You're not being precious at all. And I'm eye rolling at the tantrum comment! Some comments here are so harsh.

Your friend sounds self absorbed, and very rude to not at least wish you happy birthday. I think it's cringey to send scan photos when they haven't been asked for, too.

When she gives birth, don't congratulate her but tell her some of your news instead! (Joking, of course...)

I don't think it's rude, I think they were over excited and wanted to share their news with you (privaledged)

I think perhaps they were worrying about coming to the party and having to avoid drinks/people guessing although they haven't said that, could be a possibility.

As for not wishing you happy birthday - an oversight on their part.

Also they don't know you have just been through a failed round of IVF so unfair to judge them on that.

Maybe you are feeling a slightly envious of their news (understandable) I would reach out and organise a coffee date to catch up and maybe give them a chance to speak to you, you can congratulate them in person (as you obv mean a lot to them for them to tell you) and you can also share your journey if you feel you want to.

I think she's got wrapped up in her pregnancy. She should have said happy birthday and offered apologies for not going.

If she didn't know about the ivf then she didn't do anything wrong announcing it via text on your birthday. I'm sure it felt like a punch in the gut though. I've had many failed ivf attempts and miscarriages so pregnancy announcements can be incredibly painful. Good luck for the next try, if you do go again.

Sorry OP, it’s so difficult hearing about other peoples pregnancy’s when you are struggling. Those on here that are saying you are precious or in the wrong have probably not experienced infertility or loss. I would tell your friend you are happy for her but have just had another failed ivf round and might not want to discuss her pregnancy in detail. I suspect your upset is less to do with your friend not saying happy birthday but to do with the fact she’s just happily told you she has the thing you want most and don’t have. Sending hugs, there are plenty of people who understand everything you are feeling

@lentilly 100% this! I wish more people understood this, although I think it’s something you only realise from either going through it yourself or being very close to someone who has gone through it.

I don't think it's rude to share good news on someone else's birthday but I understand why you're upset because of the failed IVF.

Obviously they don't know about that so it wasn't intentional but you have my sympathies as dealing with pregnancy announcements when trying to conceive can be very emotionally challenging ❤️

Agreed. I didn't send any, nor did I post scans on social media.

OP your friend was rude, hope you had a good party regardless.

As many others have said she was rude not to wish you HB and to cancel on the day unless she was ill, but not rude to tell you she was pregnant. The way she did it was very insensitive though. Does she not have an inkling at all that you want children? I have 2 friends who never did, but I was always sensitive around then in case maybe they couldn’t and were lying.

I had fertility problems myself and it sends your emotions all over the place. I would’ve been in floods of tears if a friend had sent me a scan photo, let alone on my birthday. I was desperately jealous of friends having babies, especially if had been easy for them. It’s a really difficult time. I hope it works out for you, and happy birthday!

@Stripeyrug happy birthday and good luck

NEVER post in AIBU again about anything that matters. Now go about your day in love and peace ✌️

Best advice on the thread @Stripeyrug

I understand why you were upset about her news, but as she had no idea you were undergoing ivf YABU.

I understand OP. My sister in law announced her pregnancy at my wedding. We had been told we may have trouble conceiving due to a medical condition I have. Luckily this wasn't the case but I remember feeling crushed on my wedding day.

I don’t think the issue is really that she told you on your birthday.

Its that she cancelled last minute. She didn’t say happy birthday. That she announced a pregnancy, when you are struggling with infertility.

Obviously the 1st on that list is rude. The last it’s more purring her foot in it, since you said she didn’t know.

Understandably, the whole situation is upsetting. There’s a lot of different emotions there.

I don’t think she was unreasonable to tell you on your birthday. And obviously, she isn’t aware of your ivf. I do think she was unreasonable to not wish you happy birthday and cancel. Also sounds like she planned on telling you and others at your party, which I think would be unreasonable.

You’re not allowed to care about your birthday on MN!

Sorry OP, this was not a good way to share the news and neither would it have been reasonable to come to your party and share it there. YANBU. At all.

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Apart from the fact you've struggled with your own infertility (which your friend doesn't know about), news of a new baby coming to a dear friend would be exactly the kind of news which should make your birthday extra-special. I think YABU.

I don't think you're being precious, and I think she should have thought twice about dropping that news on a childless woman on her 40th birthday.

You're being very sensitive understandably but she didn't do anything wrong besides forget to wish you a happy birthday.

I'm sorry about the IVF, OP.

She was rude to cancel with no explanation and to not wish you happy birthday.

The pregnancy announcement was shit timing but just selfish because of the other issues aside from the IVF.

Other than not saying happy birthday I don't think she's done wrong because she didn't know your situation, but YANBU to feel hurt and cross at all. Fertility issues are a rollercoaster of emotion.

I remember the first day I got through without crying after my miscarriage, my best friend told me she was pregnant with a much longed for baby. She was very sensitive and I was definitely really happy for her somewhere inside but it hurt like hell and I spent that night weeping again. From feeling almost healed I was totally raw again and I was cross that I wasn't just purely happy for someone I love so much. I didn't want to be around babies and kids at that time. I see how her message would feel intrusive to the happy bubble you'd created for your celebration. I hope you still managed to have a good time.

I completely understand. It's not fair and could have waited another day

My sister and her fiancee announced their engagement at my wedding. The best part? They had already been engaged 3 years and have two children.

But they were so jealous of our special day her fiancee took my dad to one side and asked for my sister's hand in marriage at my wedding reception. (She had already been wearing a ring for 3 years!!) Then they announced to everyone both in person and on a facebook post that they would be getting married this May coming up.

Nothing is booked, there is no wedding coming up. They just did it to steal my thunder.

My exact argument is, couldnt you have waited until the day after?

Coincidentally im now pregnant and due in May. So if there is a wedding it'll be interesting.